5 Celebrities that Simply Must Be Cloned
Please Science, Help Us Out!
5. Keanu Reeves - If we don't preserve this legend of cinema as he is now, future generations will only have his older movies to watch and appreciate. We need Keanu to be in new movies from here to eternity. It's the only way to make sure the future humans that inhabit this or other planets feel the same pain we all did while watching the "The Matrix Reloaded".
4. Jan-Michael Vincent - There is no possible way to have a re-make of Airwolf without Jan Michael. I know he's a hot mess right now. But folks, I cannot leave this life of mine without a shitty reboot of the show whose star was a fucking helicopter.
The thought just occurred to me that I need to tack Mr. Ernest Borgnine into this one. One half of Airwolf will simply NOT do.
3. Velma from Scooby Doo - She's certainly sexier than Daphne, serisouly. She's the smart one of the bunch. It's a no-brainer. Sure, you could say "James, you can't make clones of fictional characters." And to that I say, "That's what VCRs are for, sir and/or maddam!"
2. Heidi Montag - C'mon people. You know you want this. She's like a human-train-wreck-meets-Frankenstein. She's saying she doesn't want to have her sex tape released because it was before her plastic surgery. Forget dignity Heidi, you should be pissed that your tits don't look perfect or that your nose isn't a button! You have priorities girl, and I applaudthat.
1. Sisqo - I know it's been a decade since he gave us musical opus The Thong Song. And maybe it's the myopic optimist in me saying this, but I just know he's got another smash-hit song about undergarments in him. We need to make damn sure that no matter how long it takes, Sisqo gets his shot at it. Do you want to be the one to rob humanity of the genius that is "The Underwire Bra Song" or "The Regular Cotton Panties Song"? I think not. Please folks, let us all preserve this man for ages, and in doing so give us all one more chance to dance erotically while a guy with silver hair sings about what girls are wearing over their vaginae.
Published by James Schlarmann - Featured Contributor in Arts & Entertainment
Writer, musician, comedian and social commentator. James started performing stand-up and sketch comedy in 1998, and has since also branched out into writing movie reviews and social commentary on social and... View profile
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5 Comments
Post a CommentYou totally forgot Chuck Norris!
If for no other reason they need to understand exactly why we chemically castrated him in 2025.
Yes, future generations NEED another Keanu Reeves. I love Donna's suggestions, too. :)
I like all your additions, except Robertson. Even comedy can't save that man from being a disgusting pock-mark on humanity. ;)
But I couldn't agree more about Ms. Eden. She's old enough to be my grandmother and I'd still make out with her.
Very good! Who would have thought that Jan Michael Vincent would be in the running for anything? Poor Keanu, he has great pretty boy looks but his acting is sub-par but I will watch anything with him just the same. Can I suggest a few; David Hasselhoff because Germany is going to need a new one when he kicks the bucket; Pat Robertson because the world can't have enough bigotry and hypocrisy and on that note, throw in the pope there too, and Barbara Eden of I Dream of Jeannie fame because that woman just does not age and she deserves to live forever. ;