5 Celebrity Beauty Tricks

As we all know, Joan Rivers is a classic, she is a go-getter and a savvy business woman. She peddles her Joan Rivers Collection of jewelry on QVC and probably from hot dog wagons on the Lower East Side. She is a businesswoman who knows how to get things done. She shocked everyone by agreeing to be one of the chosen few on "The Apprentice". She then went on to totally surprise everyone by winning the show.

Joan has been around the block a few times, and if you have not been to Manhattan - those blocks are long! Joan was left a widow with a young daughter and she has made a wonderful life for herself. I think she is a little too "attached at the hip" to Melissa, but I don't get invited to many of their dinner parties so I'm allowed to say that.

She dresses to the 9's for every occasion. It is rumored that she puts on make up just to take a walk to the living room. She is also very impressed with herself, overly confident and I'm forgetting something, oh yes, she has the biggest loudest mouth East of the Mississippi River. And her voice is the type that sounds like nails on a blackboard...it sends shivers up and down my spine.

There are days I feel sorry for Melissa, it must be hard to deal with Joan on a daily basis. Then again, there are days when I feel sorry for Joan having to put up with Melissa. Wait a minute, they are a mother-daughter match made in Sacks Fifth Avenue. They put up with each other because no one else will.

A few people have been asking how they too can look as well 'preserved' as Joan Rivers. It's not all that hard, it takes money, lots and lots of money. So, grab a coffee, put your feet up and lean how you too can look like Joan Rivers by using the Joan Rivers Collection of Celebrity Beauty Tricks.

Joan Rivers Collection of Celebrity Beauty Tricks - Her Book

I heard that Joan Rivers is coming out with a new book entitled, "Joan Rivers Beauty Handbook". She had an alternate title but McGraw-Hill didn't think, "Why my nostrils are now on my forehead" would sell. The book is a guide to help the average woman become as beautiful as Joan thinks Joan is.

Joan Rivers Collection of Celebrity Beauty Tricks - The Face Lift(s)

The face says it all and hers has been written on frequently with a Bic Fine Point. The woman had wrinkles inside her cheeks. Frown lines, I thought she had fault lines on her forehead. That was before the miracle happened. No, she didn't get a date, she got plastic surgery. She liked it so much she got it again, then again and 3 or 4 more times just for laughs. Oh wait, she can't laugh, there is no elasticity in her skin any longer.

When Joan is happy, the smile stays on her face until her Botox wears off. Her skin is stretched tighter than soldier's bunk. She has that wide-eyes look of surprise all the time because her forehead is stitched to the back of her neck in 4 places.

Joan Rivers Collection of Celebrity Beauty Tricks - Permanent Make-Up

She can't stand to be without make-up so she advises everyone to get permanent tattooed eyebrows, eyeliner and lips. This will give much more of a 'natural' look to your artificial looking face following the 5 face lifts.

Joan Rivers Collection of Celebrity Beauty Tricks - Hair Color

Her secret? Bleach, bleach and more bleach. She probably has a team of beauticians on standby with Platinum #45239-JR #1392. I saw that number written on the wall in the ladies' restroom at Tavern on the Green. It is either her hair color number or her shrink's unlisted blackberry.

Joan Rivers Collection of Celebrity Beauty Tricks - Say What you Feel

Joan recommends always telling it like it is whether you get folks mad or not. If you happen to run into Clint Black just tell him off and he won't care - Joan already has him numb. Holding back your thoughts and feelings will make your skin sag so be sure to shoot off your mouth whenever you feel like it - it's good for your looks.

There you have it. If you follow the Joan Rivers Collection of Celebrity Beauty Tricks you will, you will, hum - I'm not sure what will actually happen but it can't be good!

PS: Please don't let Joan Rivers read this I would hate to have her come after me for giving away her secrets. That woman scares me!