5 Characteristics of Overly Competitive Children

I have four children and only one is competitive to the extreme. To make it more obvious, this child is a twin. (Luckily, the other twin is not competitive at all.) But still, we repeat the same lessons over and over as she grows - fighting against a nature that I am sure was hardwired. Yes, I believe she was born competitive. In so many ways, I think this quality will make her a success. But there are times when I realize this unrelenting spirit must be molded. Let's take a quick look at 5 ways you know you have a competitor on your hands.

But more, what can you do when your natural competitor takes the game or loss too seriously? What do you do when they bring competition to a level that just isn't healthy or nice? Though there in no "one size fits all" for parents, there are plenty of places to start to foster good sportsmanship. We can certainly try to foster the good side of competition while breaking the fall of being too competitive. Here are five common things I have seen as a parent and ways I have found that work. Maybe they will be the trick that works for your little winner, too!

Gloating: "I won! You're a Loser!"
Though many children, especially at a young age, really like to win, the competitive child is often a doting gloater. They not only want to win, but also let everyone know they have won and perhaps remind everyone else of their loss (repeatedly.) This is a sure sign you have someone on your hands who values the victory, more than feelings of others. This is clearly not nice and we need to let our kids know, to the point of apologizing. Make sure your lesson has impact. We should not tippy toe around this lesson. I totally believe in holding the esteem of your child most high, but this lesson isn't one of those times. This attribute of poor sportsmanship simply needs firm correction.

If we do not correct this behavior and it continues, we risk other children not liking our child. That can be more damaging to their esteem than a loss, in the long run. In addition, other parents won't appreciate your child hurting the feelings of their own child. It is common courtesy and as parents, we should insist upon it.

"I Quit!
You may think competitors never quit. But when the child is young, they just might take on the attitude of "If I can't win, I won't play." They are conveying they want no part in a game that doesn't involve victory. In this, we see a child who doesn't want to PLAY...because they face loss. That illustrates just how much they value the win. Yes, this little competitor need guidance. They may never win anything in life if they are always afraid to play because of loss. That sounds extreme, but it is a lesson we should start pounding in very early. We shouldn't accept "opting out" for fear of loss. We need to equip our children to face fears, even if they know their opponent is stronger.

Persistence in loss is perhaps the best testament to character. Winston Churchill once said, "Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm." He was right. We cannot give up nor should we allow are children to. Make it a point to recognize how your child feels but encourage them to play for the practice. Encourage them to learn from someone who is more skilled, rather than miss the chance to get better themselves.

Sore Losers
Perhaps your child doesn't quit, but their attitude toward loss is so poor, that you might find yourself wishing they hadn't played, because now you have a monster on your hands. This is the child that firmly believes someone cheated, or says, "It's not fair!" After all, it so much easier to say that, than to suck up a loss. This child stuck the game out, but now, they are confronting their own demon, the loser.

One of the best things you can do for your child when they are blowing their top is to change their setting. Remove them from the situation until they can calm down. It might even be a good idea to give them space and let them have time to regroup. After they are at more of a place of reasoning, ask them how they feel. Ask them if they could have shown a better attitude. Point out their unsportsmanlike conduct and brainstorm new ways to respond. Offer one or two age appropriate ideas. Let them soak the information in.

The next time a loss occurs, see if they can put into action what you discussed. If not, repeat this same process until they can. It is important that kids aren't allowed to act like losers just because they lost. Blowing a gasket or mouthing off should be pointed out as bad behavior. But don't leave it there. Give them the tools it takes to overcome it next time. Help them prepare an arsenal of tricks. In all of that, be very mindful to consider their feelings so they feel valued along with the correction.

Obsessive Concerning Loss
My competitive child can carry a loss so long, it is as if it is the first thing on her mind when she wakes up in the morning. Having a hard time recovering from loss is a sign that your child is too caught up in the game.

It is important to point out to a child that you can't cry over spilt milk. Basically, negative energy such as lamenting must be turned into action. If you want to win, practice harder or longer...but do not waste time loathing the loss. There is no value in that. To an adult, this seems like a given, but to a child...they may never know if you don't say it.

Reminding a child of their victories goes a long way. It is a great thing to remember the good times. Make a video of all your child's "wins." Or line up their trophies on a new shelf. Ask them, "what did you have to do to win these?" Surely the child will admit to practice. Turn that lesson around to encouraging action instead of hanging on to loss.

Feeling no Value without Victory
Deeper still, is the core of the problem of many competitors; placing their own value in a victory. All of these signs of competition should be red flags to us, as parents. Perhaps this child has trouble drawing a line between self worth and self achievement. If this is true, we need to be careful that we are making our children feel wholly valued, especially in loss.

Children need to know that we love them despite how much they achieve, or how bad they lose. They need to understand that a team loss, is a team effort. Teach your child to focus on solutions, not the problem. Ask them, "What could the team have done better?" That statement is still focusing on the loss, yes, but move on to say, "What could you/they have done differently?" and "What can you do this week to help yourself/them?" Your goal is to take the child from blaming others or themselves to blaming action - taking it off of a person. Next, you move to correcting the action with a solution.

Be sure to point out that the child can only control themselves...which includes being a good sport. Take the burden off of your child and focus on solutions. Praise the solutions they offer, too. This practice will help point toward two things: things within their control and action. Action has a way of making a child feel worth...just as a victory. Take steps to help them get there through solution based conversation.

In all of these things, we want to also make sure we are not contributing to the problem by getting mad at a child when they lose, or demonstrating poor sportsmanship ourselves. I am sure we have all seen the out of control dad on the ball-field. That mans son will likely be the out of control dad in 30 years. Leading by example is one of the surest things we can do for our children. We just need to take care to lead in the right direction.

Ultimately, being competitive is a great thing. And I do not wish to take that out of my child. Shoot, I love a winner! But I also love in loss, too and I hope my kids see that. We just have to plug away and take each opportunity, one at a time to make sure we are raising good sports who respect others and value the game. When our kids can do that, then I we will have won.