5 Mistakes I Made with My New Baby

It wasn't until I held my new baby in my arms that I realized I knew nothing about caring for an infant. Sure, I knew to feed her and wipe her little butt. However, I didn't know anything about swaddling, breastfeeding, or calming a crying baby.

As all new parents, I fumbled my way through. My daughter is now two years old and is a relatively well-adjusted child (in spite of my early parenting attempts). I gave birth to my second baby eight weeks ago. I'd like to think she has benefited from my earlier mistakes.

Mistake #1: Not Swaddling

I did not swaddle my newborn. I thought it was restrictive and she would be uncomfortable. If I had done my research, I would have learned that swaddling actually comforts infants. They are used to being confined in the womb. Swaddling reminds an infant of being safe and secure back within their mother. Dr. Karp, the author of The Happiest Baby on the Block, states that swaddling even helps a baby sleep longer.

It would have been heaven to sleep for more than an hour at a time. Swaddling my newborn would have inhibited the startle reflex that all babies have. I would rock or nurse my infant to sleep and then ever so gently and slowly lower her into her bassinet. As soon as she touched the bassinet she would do this spastic jerk and wake up crying. I later learned this was the "startle reflex" in action. If I had swaddled my baby, she would not have been startled by her arms falling to her side as I placed her into her bassinet.

As Dr. Karp also suggests, swaddling may even help to prevent SIDS because a tightly swaddled newborn can not accidentally roll onto his or her stomach. If an infant is swaddled properly, the blanket will not come loose and cover the baby's face.

I swaddled my second baby after arriving home from the hospital. I could not believe how much more sleep everyone in my house got! Being better rested enabled me to better care for my newborn and toddler during the day.

Mistake #2: Breastfeeding

Obviously, breastfeeding is absolutely the best way to nourish your baby. However, it isn't for everyone. It certainly wasn't for me. My daughter was born four weeks premature. She was not at all interested in breastfeeding. This was only part of the problem.

While I am no prude, I am also not comfortable exposing my breasts in public. No amount of Mardi Gras beads would ever convince me. Yes, breastfeeding is natural. No, there is nothing sexual about breastfeeding. Even knowing that, I could never bring myself to do it in public.

This meant that I was trapped inside my home. Unfortunately, I was on bed rest for a month prior to my daughter's birth. I was craving socialization by the time my baby arrived. However, being a closeted breastfeeding mother kept me from being able to travel even 25 miles to the nearest grocery store.

I was never actually all that interested in breastfeeding to begin with. My husband and I were registering for baby items when he mentioned breastfeeding. I said, "I haven't decided if I'm going to breastfeed or not." His reply was, "Why wouldn't you?"

I allowed myself to be influenced by what everyone else thought was best for my baby. In the end, what was best for my daughter was a happy mother who would be able to joyfully care for her. Instead, she received a mother who resented feeding her own baby.

I kept breastfeeding until after I returned to work and my then four month old baby decided she preferred bottles. Once she made her wishes known, I decided I preferred bottles as well.

When my new daughter came along, I figured I would try breastfeeding again. A nurse at my OBGYN's office told me breastfeeding a full-term infant would be much easier than breastfeeding a preterm infant. She was wrong. While I did not experience exactly the same problems (other than my aversion to partial public nudity), I did experience difficulties. I decided I was not going to repeat the trauma of breastfeeding again and quit after three days. I did not allow the opinions of anyone else influence my decision to formula feed my new baby.

Mistake #3: Not Sleeping

I did not sleep the first night after having my first baby. I did not sleep the second night after my baby was born. In fact, I don't believe I slept more than a few hours in total that entire first week. I was convinced my newborn daughter would stop breathing during the night. If only I could stay awake I would somehow sense that my infant was in distress.

Once I finally passed out from exhaustion, I realized that my baby would not suffocate just because I dozed off. SIDS is a very real danger. It is important to educate all new mothers about SIDS and how they can minimize the risk for their baby. However, giving SIDS so much attention has also put it into the forefront of sleep-deprived, hormone crazed new mothers' minds.

I was doing everything I could to make sure my baby was safe. She slept on her back. We had no blankets in her bassinet. She shared a room with us. We gave her a pacifier. We did everything exactly right. Yet, I still jerked myself awake as soon as I had fallen asleep.

My lack of sleep translated into a very grumpy wife and mother. As a result of my nightly vigils over my newborn daughter's bassinet, I was too tired to play with her during the day. I was a zombie robot. Feed baby. Change diaper. Rock baby. Feed baby. Rock baby.

When baby #2 arrived, I laid her in her bassinet the first night home and started dreaming about being back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I knew that if my premature first born had survived me, there was a pretty good chance this one would too.

Mistake #4: Refusing Help

I am blessed with a helpful family. They are more than willing to help. However, I am usually less than willing to accept any help. I am a proud and independent woman who loves to brag about "doing it all myself".

I refused help because I was afraid that needing help meant I was not doing my job as a mother. What on earth would my mother-in-law think of me if I allowed her to hold my infant for two hours while I caught up on some much-needed sleep?! In reality, she probably would have thought I was doing her a favor by letting her get some one-on-one time with her first grandchild.

Accepting (or even out right asking for) help does not make me any less of a mother. It makes me a better mother. Not only am I recharging my batteries, I am exposing my child to another person who loves her and can enrich her life in different ways than I can.

This time around, I am still hesitant to ask for help, but I am much more willing to accept it when it is freely offered. My mother-in-law offered to feed the new baby? Go for it, Grammy!

Mistake #5: Believing Every Mistake I Made Would Ruin Her Life

I have a freakishly good memory. I have many memories of myself and my family that begin around the age of three. As a result of this, I know how much of an impact early experiences can have on the development of a child. For a good part of my oldest child's life, I have beaten myself up over every tiny mistake I've made.

A diaper was put on incorrectly and she pee'd all over her sleeper? Oh, how will she ever recover?

I've learned that babies don't mind the little things. I don't think she'll be lying on a therapist's sofa twenty years from now recounting the "Mom dropped my pacifier in the dirt and didn't have an extra" incident.

Her personality will instead be influenced by the crafts we've made, the pictures we've drawn, the books we've read, and the silly games we've played. These are the times that we will remember. These are the times that will shape my daughters into the beautiful women they will grow up to be.

In the end, we can only do the best we can with the resources and information available to us. I don't see many mother's from earlier generations beating themselves up for putting their babies to sleep on their stomachs. That was the best information they had at the time and they were doing what they thought was best for their babies.

The most I can hope for is that I continue to grow as a mother. I will make more mistakes, but I will make many, many more happy memories for my girls. The things I've done right far outweigh the things I've done wrong.

Sources:

Dr. Harvey Karp, The Happiest Baby on the Block FAQ, http://www.thehappiestbaby.com/faq.html