5 Most Essential Condiments to Have in Your Fridge

Condiments might not be the spices of life, but, oh wait... yes, they actually are. Allow me to start again. Condiments are the literal spices of life, so you don't want to make a hasty decision at the grocery store and ruin your lunches for the next month. There are thousands of choices out there but only a few condiments are essential. Here are the 5 most essential condiments to keep stocked in your fridge:

Heinz Ketchup: Ketchup is the original, the tried and true, the been there done that vintage classic masterpiece extravaganza. Steer clear of green ketchup and other gimmicks as well as house brands and anything that says "Catsup" on it; Heinz Ketchup is the way to go. From burgers and fries to eggs and more, ketchup is an absolutely necessary item. Some people have been known to order food just to be able to eat the ketchup that they'll dose it in- you know who you are.

Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard: Mustard can be just as important and versatile as ketchup is, although not everyone realizes this. If I wanted some bright yellow, sour, travesty of a condiment, I'd go to my elementary school cafeteria or I'd catch a game at a ballpark. When I want the good stuff to complete a sandwich, spice up a tuna salad, top off a knish or go on a hot dog, it's Gulden's Spicy Brown all the way.

Sour Kosher Pickles: There are many kinds of pickles out there, but I'm not interested in anything that glows green like it's been radiated or tastes like I haphazardly shoved a cucumber in a jar filled with water and kept it in the fridge for a week. Sour kosher pickles are the way to go. They're great for topping off sandwiches or burgers, as a compliment to all kinds of meals or as a quick snack.

Frank's RedHot Sauce: If I didn't know and love Frank's RedHot Sauce, I'd be concerned with my girlfriend's perpetual adoring proclamations for Frank and his sauce. As the commercial says, "I put that sh*t on everything". Sandwiches, eggs, snacks, chicken, beef, tuna... whatever, it's all good with some Frank's on top. I urge buying in the largest size possible, as smaller bottles have been known to be crushed in just a few day's time.

Grated Parmesan Cheese: "Whoa, whoa, whoa Jake, this is a preposterous assertion" I can hear you exclaiming. "This is a cheese, not a condiment! I'm done with you and your condiment recommendations and quite frankly I'm disappointed in your behavior and lifestyle choices." Easy there, ladies and gentlemen, there's no need to get all riled up. For you see, parmesan cheese is actually the ultimate in condiments.

It goes on everything, eclipsing even Frank's RedHot in the three F's that all condiments are judged on: flexibility, functionality and f****** awesomeness! Let's see here... pasta, pizza, salads, eggs, sandwiches, wraps, soup, bread... the list goes on folks, parm is the wonderful Energizer Bunny of condiments. There's no limit to its uses.

Now please go stock up your fridge with these 5 essential condiments, before another poor, helpless meal has been sacrificed by misguided topping and accessory selection.