5 Parenting Tips for Parents in Crisis

We often seek advice only when we have reached a moment of crisis in our lives. Perfectly normal and well-intentioned parents frequently let things go until they find out that the parenting they have been doing up to now has backfired. They usually notice something is amiss when a crisis has already gotten out of hand: Their teen daughter ends up in a compromising situation or their son is starting to fail miserably in school and get in fights.

Any number of situations can arise to throw the family into chaos. The important thing to remember is that you can address these issues calmly if you add some basic skills to your existing parenting style. Here are five ways you can parent more effectively, even in the middle of a crisis.

Stay Calm

Nothing derails your chances of defusing a crisis than jumping into the fray screaming and shouting. Our kids look to us as models of behavior. If they see us going nuts they will likely do the same thing. Practice deep breathing, removing yourself from the situation or any other calming behavior that works for you. Only you know what calms you down so you have a lot of power as to whether you explode or not. Even in the face of a huge crisis, if you remain calm you will be able to assess the situation better and make more effective decisions.

Don't Personalize

Many normal parents get angry or hurt when something goes off kilter in their families because they think it is a reflection on their parenting. Parents think that when kids are struggling or being disruptive that it is about them. We then get into power struggles or epic battles to "be right" or "get our point across." If you re-focus and realize that every situation is primarily a manifestation of what your kids are going through you can begin to let go of the personal baggage you bring to the table. Remember that your kids are struggling for a reason and that it usually has to do with something about their personal experience, not yours. Even if they tell you that they are acting out because of you, don't fall into the trap of arguing or trying to be right. Fixing problems in a family is about examining what is really going on and making calm decisions rather than getting hurt or angry every time our kids say something negative.

Listen

The single most overlooked skill that saves families is listening. Parents get so caught up in being the expert or the authority figure that they forget that kids also have points of view. During a crisis it's especially important to listen well to your children because they may have very important things to say to you. The very act of listening without rebutting or advice-giving shows your kids that you value what they have to say. Do some research online on active listening and learn the basic skills of how to simply give your child a voice. In general, when people are allowed to tell their story, they will give you a wealth of information and tell you things you never even knew existed. All you have to do is be open and listen.

Problem Solving Together

Parents often forget that kids can think. They can be a big part of the crisis management process if we respect their intellect and work with them to fix things. The difficulty is that we sometimes don't practice collaborating with our kids to arrive at solutions. Many parents get stuck trying to discipline or punish kids when it's often far more effective to have an open dialogue (using your listening skills) to have the child determine what can be done about the situation. Be open to ideas and follow your kid's leads. If you get incredibly unsatisfactory answers like, "I don't know," or "I don't want to do anything to solve it," simply give your kid some time to think about it and come back to you. Treat your son or daughter with respect and genuinely work with them in the spirit of fixing things where both parties can win. This is different from the, "Go out back and get a branch," or "You will do this because I said so," approach to parenting because it requires finding a joint solution. Many parents run into problems because they don't give their child any options or input. Joint problem solving is about both people talking calmly and arriving at a resolution that works for parties.

Change Your Default Mode

Conflict and crisis often makes us shift into default mode. We automatically go back to the parenting we saw in our families. Often these styles make the behavior go on longer or get worse. The proof that something isn't working is that the undesirable behavior doesn't go away. You're the parent and, as such, you have the responsibility of setting a positive example for your children. You literally show your child how to deal with crisis with every one of your actions. Make sure you become the most effective parent possible by being open to outside information and gathering as much knowledge as possible. The more knowledge you have the better decisions you will make as a parent. You're not alone in the world and there are many resources to help you. Reach out and connect with effective parents, attend many parenting classes, get professional advice or read books by experts. There is a wealth of resources online and as close as your local library.

Parenting during a crisis doesn't have to be difficult if you don't let it get out of hand. The next time you find yourself flailing away in the middle of a disaster take a moment to remember these steps and put them into practice so that you can become an even better parent. Nobody becomes an effective parent overnight, it takes constant practice, consistency and flexibility. Changing your parenting style doesn't require cataclysmic change or being wrong, it's just about acquiring additional skills so you and your family can enjoy life more.