5 Questions to Ask Before Marrying Someone with Children

You find yourself experiencing a giddy high when around this person. Everything about them is simply exciting for you. So, you have come to terms that you are ready to be with this person for the rest of your life. You are fairly confident that you are in love. Now, you are wondering, what is the next step for me?

Do you know that by 2010, blended families are projected to be the largest family form in the U.S? The most shocking fact is that we have produced 25 million step-parents. Thus, it is not uncommon these days to find many single people with children from previous marriages falling in love.

A few couples have their head above their shoulders. Many are too engrossed with their romantic feelings to face the harsh realities. The result is an overwhelming rise in the number of dysfunctional families.

Myths

There are many wishful thoughts prior to marrying someone with children. Many believe that it is not at all hard to establish authority with your stepchildren after the blended family forms. Other couples assume that bonding with stepchildren will instantly happen or that love would grow quickly between the stepparent and the child.

Many couples feel that adjustments are normal and soon thereafter feelings of contentment will reign. Most couples in love are definitely assured that their future home will be no doubt "harmonious".

What Do Statistics Reveal?

The sad truth is that 66% of remarried couples with children will break up. What does this mean for blended families? It simply means that statistically, blended families are predicted to fail.

Before you take the actual plunge, there are 5 critical questions that you need to discuss with your future spouse. Like any brave soul, adding to the statistics of success stories will be your goal.

THE FIVE QUESTIONS

1. Do you clearly understand the expectations of your future spouse with regards to your role as a stepparent?

In your quiet times with your future spouse, talk about your future life together. Find out how your partner sees you as the parent of their child. Come to a clear understanding on how you or your future spouse will deal with the following common issues with stepchildren: slipping or falling grades, choice of friends, fighting between siblings and stepchildren, angry outbursts, rejection of stepsiblings, talking back, disregard of house rules, lying, breaking curfews, whining or pouting, use of drugs, alcohol or tobacco, chores, and arguing about rules, daily routines and relationship with biological parents.

2. What was your own experience with common family conflicts?

Your way to deal with common conflicts in your own family is a learned behavior. One either models a parent or makes a drastic effort to be different from a parent. So it is important to be honest with your future spouse and talk about your own experiences with your own father, mother and siblings.

Is raising one's voice and yelling when frustrated normal in your family? Are you able to speak calmly when you are upset or do you become edgy and spiteful? When you get upset do you let your siblings or parents see your frustration? Are you able to discuss issues with your parents or siblings and engage in long arguments? Or do your resort to threats to get the attention of your family?

You can also ask your future spouse if their child misbehaves, do they tend to let go or deal with it immediately? Do you carry out what you threaten to do when in arguments?

3. Do you have a family rule that you can model?

Every healthy family has a set of family rules to live by. These family rules will be the framework to shape the character of your children. You will find it very useful to start discussing family rules in advance. Mull over all possible misbehaviors that a child can do. Think about the appropriate consequences. Analyze if you are the type of person that is good in following up consequences or are you the person that easily forgives and forgets.

It is also useful to understand your own and your future spouse's parenting and discipline styles. Begin discussing how to enforce rules. Remember, enforcing a rule is most effective when parents practice the rules themselves. Whatever your children will practice everyday is how they will live their life in the future.

4. How do you deal with stress?

It is important to let your partner know what triggers the worse in you. Do you get sad and depressed for a day, more than day, for several days? Or are you the eternal optimist?

Can you easily admit to your mistakes in disagreements to avoid a serious fight? Can you easily put aside resentful feelings when having a fight? When you are angry at another person, can you easily understand the other person's point of view? Do you explode when you are misunderstood?

Children are sensitive when parents are under stress. Children cannot process stress like adults and react by misbehaving. It is important to discuss stress-relieving activities that may help your relationship like an exercise regimen and an active spiritual life.

5. Are you capable of showing genuine compassion for your spouse?

What has our attitude towards our spouse have to do with handling our stepchildren? Our genuine compassion for our spouse, support and loyalty speaks volumes of how our stepchildren will respect us as parents. It is important that stepchildren witness the deep love couples have for each other. Seeing and hearing the strong bond between their parents help them internalize the desirable quality of a strong family. Good role models are probably one of the things they missed out.

Conclusion

The 5 questions are a reality check for couples contemplating to marry a person with children from previous relationships. Step back and visualize your life with 24/7 responsibility for children not of your own. These children are most of the time a source of delight, sometimes frustration.

Your role as a stepparent cannot be taken lightly. Clear expectations, the ability to handle stress, unconditional love for your spouse, family rules, attitude towards family conflicts will ease your way into the unique challenges of a blended family. These 5 questions, when pondered upon prior to marriage, will save you countless of hours in family therapy.

Braising yourself with the 5 questions including the God Factor will help you go into the marriage on solid footing. The answers to the questions may bring you cold feet. However, the most affirming of it all is knowing that God finds you an exceedingly beautiful person to entrust the lives of these children in your hands.