5 Reasons to Hold the Terrorist Trials in Fargo, North Dakota

New York City clearly doesn't want to try the supposed 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and four alleged Al Qaeda lieutenants in a lower Manhattan courtroom. I propose we try them in Fargo, North Dakota for the following reasons (view a rather aesthetic rendition of this sentiment here).

Lack of Noisy Morons

North Dakotans aren't whiny and suffer far less from blatantly moronic, incoherent protestors than does New York City. In short, the citizens of North Dakota, if at first tepid about the idea, will soon gather community strength (something difficult to find in America) and humbly accept the bold task of trying beaten down, alleged terrorists. North Dakota will, in fact, be happy to serve their country.

Not Bankrupt

North Dakota can afford to hold a high-profile, "dangerous" terrorist trial. The banks haven't failed and, compared to other states, there are still plenty of jobs. Most of North Dakota is still asking, What recession? North Dakota is ready for the national spotlight, and many of its successful economic and political policies will have a chance to be 'center stage'. (Read about that here) Also, this will present a chance for Fargo's Atomic Coffee to gain national renown.

Welcoming Excitement & Attention

A media frenzy will not completely disrupt or block the streets of Fargo and cause traffic snarls. If anything, the easy commute will be quite pleasant for the media hounds, and the extra traffic fun for the citizens of Fargo. North Dakotans live in a land of moderation, minus booms and busts. A little excitement will make these amiable citizens smile.

All-American City for An All-American Trial

Fargo, North Dakota has been named an All-American City, which is pretty exciting. It's important to treat even our most hated criminals (including terrorists, because hey, they're human) with the cleanest, most effective and fair, balanced trial as humanly possible. Our country, our society, is based on how it treats its most hated criminals and evildoers. Why not hold trial in an All-American City that has been honored by the rest of the country?

Wooed by Innate GoodnessThere are concerns about the terror trials being a potential hot spot for further terrorist activity. Not in Fargo, North Dakota. Consider a hardened terrorist moving to West Fargo with the sole intention of bombing one of the modest business buildings in downtown Fargo, or even the courthouse where the trials are taking place. In less than a week, that terrorist will be softened by the constant outpouring of welcoming sentiments from his/her neighbors and community. Fargo will see that this terrorist-in-disguise has everything he/she needs to be comfortable and successful in the community. The terrorist will have friends in a few days and be invited to go drinking, ice fishing, and hunting. He/She will also be invited to one or more of the many Sunday potlucks. In short, dear friends, terrorist plot...dissolved.

Yours Truly Reporting

A sixth, unofficial, but possibly most important reason to hold the famous Khalid Sheikh Mohammed & Co. trials in friendly Fargo, North Dakota. If this comes to fruition (if, perhaps, Pres. Obama, fresh off an impressive schooling of Republicans, happens to read my plea), yours truly will be covering, in full detail, every step of the trial procedures and be reporting with the most accurate, and colorful truth known to mankind. And by mankind, I mean humankind.

Thank you, and please call your congressmen to insist the terrorist trials be held in Fargo, North Dakota.