5 Secrets to Handle a Temper Tantrum

A child, who has not acquired the skills to cope with discomforts and stresses in his or her life, will cry. Temper tantrums are behaviors that soothe them during high anxiety situations. Fussy children use crying to vent out their frustrations. Sometimes, they do not understand how the environment disturbs them. They just feel that crying is the easiest way to let someone know when they are not feeling happy. When your child cries in an unreasonable way, chances are they are experiencing anxiety. Aside from ensuring that your fussy child is not sleep deprived, out of schedule with meal times, uncomfortable in their clothes and room temperature, here are some hands on approach in dealing with a child who uses temper tantrums to get what they want.

5 Secrets that may work if practiced diligently in the first three years of childhood

1. Calm yourself first.

You cannot help a crying child without addressing how you handle stress. You cannot stop children from their crying spells but you can change your attitude towards tantrums. Remind yourself that crying is an instinctive, primitive way to get attention.

If you are overwhelmed, tired and stressed out, you will be unsuccessful in calming down a child. Thus, you need to focus on making it a "rule of thumb" to seek genuine calmness as a priority. If you have no toolbox to deal with angry emotions, do not expect this from your child.

2. Work on getting the trust of a child.

You need to understand a child's emotional level. When the child is exposed to trauma, the child's emotional age dramatically regresses. The longer the child is in a chaotic situation, the more work you have to do in dealing with temper tantrums. Any individual in survival mode, the point of fear similar to the point when a truck is about to hit you, will not use rationality. Everything is emotions. Thus, spare your sermons. Focus on gaining trust.

Acknowledge how you elicit fear in your facial expressions, hand gestures and voice. Then make a drastic effort to model gentleness and compassion.

3. Teach child to use "words"

Teach your child to articulate feeling words such as mad, upset, angry, hurt, happy, sad to name a few. Praise every effort of the child to talk even if it is incoherent in the beginning. Listen and validate whatever words are being used.

4. Focus on making the child feel safe over discipline

Allow the child to vent out his frustrations in a safe environment. Do not ridicule the child. Do not embarrass or shame the child. If you are in a public place, be ready to remove the child from bystanders and look for a place where both of you can calm down.

5. Practice dialogues that will create a semblance of validation, calmness, understanding

Following are some real-life approaches that worked for many parents:

A. Dialogue for Validation

Child: {Child cries and screams}

Parents: Let me help you calm down.

Child: {Child continues to cry}

Parents: Tina is sad. Someone hurt her feelings. Are your feelings hurt Tina?

Child: {Child nods head}

Parents: Mommy understands that Tina's feelings are hurt. So sorry that Tina's feelings are hurt.

Child: {Quiets down and thinks over what you have just said. If child trusts you, child will continue to be quiet, if not, child will go back to crying. Choose your battles. Repeat the process and remain calm.}

B. Dialogue to Help the Child Calm Down

Child: [Screams and cries again}

Mommy: Let me help Tina calm down. I will breathe slowly so I can calm down. Mommy too feels sad.

Child: {Might scream louder, go back to the dialogue for validation}

Parents: Look into my eyes Tina

Child: {Looks into your eyes. If child sees anger, child will revert back to crying. If child sees gentleness and love, child will listen suspiciously at first. By practicing often, child learns that you are to be trusted.}

Parent: Good job. Tina is looking into my eyes. Listen. Say after me Tina, "My feelings are hurt."

Child: Feelings hurt.

Parents: Good talking. Mommy is here to help Tina calm down. Slowly breathe in, slowly breathe out, slowly breathe in, slowly breathe out. Good breathing. Pretty soon, Tina will calm down.

Child: {Cries again, if child is doing this for the first few times. Child will respond if child has practiced this before.}

Parents: Breathing in and out help Mommy stay calm, I bet Tina can calm down by breathing slowly. {Just continue doing some deep breathing exercises to help you calm down even when child is not responding. Go back to dialogue B.}

Child: {Child stops crying.}

Parent: This is awesome. Wooow hooo hooo. {Generous Pizzazz}

C. Dialogue to Help Child Acknowledge and Recognize Emotions

Parent: Do you want Mommy to sing?

Child: No!

Parent: Do you want Mommy to tell you a story?

Child: No!

Parent: Do you want Mommy just to be quiet and listen to her baby? Or is this baby a big girl now? I think you will make a good decision to use the big girl brain and use words.

Child: {Cries initially. Thinks about it.}

Mommy: Oh no. Tina is using the baby brains. We need to use the big girl brains. When Tina is not mad anymore, Tina will use big girl brains. Yehey....

Child: {Child may continue to cry or look confused}

Mommy: You can cry. It will make you feel better. Mommy will just hold you.

Child: {Child may continue to cry but do not be impatient. Remain gentle. Silence is good.}

Mommy: Did this window hurt your feelings? Of course not. What about this door? Of course not. What about this chair? Of course not. I know. What about this toy? Of course not. Tina has to help Mommy find out who hurt Tina. Can you help me Tina? Who hurt the feelings of Tina?

Child: Mommy

Mommy: So, sorry that Mommy made you feel sad. So sorry that Mommy hurt your feelings. Mommy did not understand what is making Tina cry. Do you forgive me?

Child: {Child nods head}

Mommy: Let us practice. Say "I forgive you.".

Child: I forgive you.

Mommy: Good use of words. Wooo hoooo.

{When the child is calm, you can talk about what she did wrong and why you reprimanded the child. But not when you are helping the child be calm.}

Mommy: Mommy wants you to be always safe. Mommy does not want you to get "awees" or get hurt. So, Mommy tells you what to do to be safe. If Mommy sees that you are not safe, Mommy tells Tina because Mommy loves Tina. Wow. You are calm now. Hurray. Wooo hooo hoooo. Woot.

Validate the fears of the child. Even if at times it seems unreasonable, the issue is the immaturity of the child's stress response system. The child has not learned to cope positively. Children do not have enough vocabulary to put words to their feelings. Thus, you must be patient to teach your child "feeling words" and to praise them for every successful attempt to use it appropriately.

Teaching your child to seek forgiveness is critical. But, you have to start teaching that to yourself first. Ask forgiveness to your child for not understanding her enough and she will reciprocate and be conscientious.

If you consistently approach a challenging situation in a calm, gentle way, your child will not use crying to control his or her environment. Invest on this approach for the first two years of the child's life. When he turns to about 4 years old, your return-on-investment is priceless.