5 Steps to Getting Over a Breakup

Recently, I was stung by a lost love that had returned. Yeah, she returned. To sting me again. The first time she left, I took it like I take every disappointment in my life: I drank. A lot. However, I drank in my tears. This time? No tears. Why? Because I am a grade A asshole. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you didn't look that good, anyways. Yeah, I noticed how you gained about twenty pounds. You're much more overbearing than you were before. You look like a shovel beat you in the face. Oh, that was your last boyfriend, the one you left me for the first time? Really traded up, didn't ya? Ha. Seriously, though. I loved you. You loved me. Rather, you loved what I could do for you. Like, that time I took you and spent hundreds of bucks on you, just so you would smile? Yeah, haha, Good times. Wow. You are such a b*tch.

So, how do I plan on getting over this most recent relationshit (Kudos to Dane Cook!)? Simple. Five easy ways to be an asshole.

#5

Kill With Kindness

Give her kind of a reason to wonder, "why did I leave him?" It's easy to do when you're just so damn nice to her after the breakup and she dosn't understand why. However, so as to make her feel like shit without her knowing that''s what you're doing, you add an assish flare to everything you say. Take everything she says in stride, like it doesn't matter. Act as if you don't care that you broke up. Do it kindly, however. Continue to offer to take her out to dinner. Make subtle remarks to how awesome you are. Speak of your most recent accomplishments. Tell her about how GREAT your life is going now that you don't have to spend every second worrying about HER.

Dude, she'll be giving it back to you in no time. Like, it's not even funny. She'll be on you like a fat kid on cake. And, just so you know, it's scientifically proven that 97% (citation needed) of fat kids just LOVE cake.

#4

Benefits

Alright, take it in buddy, because you should.

She is now wanting you again. Wow, that didn't take long. Not long at all. Hot damn, you are the man. More importantly, though, you are NOT her man. You are now your own man and let her know it.

Make a move on her. That's right, you take it to the level you've been at before with her, but not quite like this. This will be passionate, enraging, post-breakup sex. It's going to be so intense, you are gonna need to take a muscle relaxer afterwards.

The next day, act like nothing happened. It's normal. You're still broken up, you don't give a damn. She will give a damn. She will give many damns.

#3

Continue Your Bachelor Lifestyle

After a few days, she finally asks you if you wanna go somewhere with her. Tell her no, you have a date. Her jaw will drop, my friend. At first, she will get angry and all you must do is remind her that she was, in fact, the one that broke it off. She can't say sh*t after that.

But she will.

She will remind you of the few nights before, how you two had passionate sex. Just tell her that you're sorry but you need to focus on you right now. Because, that was her bullsh*t excuse when she broke up with you. Now she sees something else. You are bettering yourself! She wants you even more now that you are a strong willed man that can focus on himself and you don't need her. Hell, you aren't even sure if you want her anymore. Let that be known as well, but subtly.

#2

Take Her Out Again

Finally, you decide it's time to take her on another date. You go about it like usual but you don't make a move other than kissing her goodnight after dropping her off at home. If she invites you in, tell her you don't think it's a good idea and that you should really get back home. You've gotta take care of your sick mother or something of the sort.

Dear God, you are a saint and a genius. Now, you have to ponder after all of this, do you really want her back. I mean, really? How do you go about that, if you really do want her back? Well, you kind of have her in the bag now. All you really must do is ask her out again, seal the deal one more time, and you two are together and happy again. No longer do you need the asshole routine, you have back what you've been wanting and missing since she left: Someone to hold at night and someone to poke at night. You couldn't be happier.

#1

You Don't Want Her Back

Shit. You've been having SO much fun as a single asshole. It can't end like this. Not here. Not now! Well, from here you have two more options: One, you can continue the benefits thing but this ultimately leads back into a relationship. There's no way around it. You're going back into the rabbit hole, you're gonna eventually get stuck there, and you're not gonna get out.

Or two, you finally have to drop her, after making her life a miserable hell. I mean, really though, she brought all of this on herself. But you're a good guy, aren't you? So am I, but sometimes you just can't be. Sure, you used to love her, but she took that for granted. It's not your fault that you decided to repay her for all of her efforts on ruining you. Now she's ruined, you're shining. All is well.

Until she tries to kill you.

There's no longer a good way out of this.

Run dude, run.

(Full disclosure: This is not my true views on life or relationships. However, certain girls must be tamed in this sort of way. I don't like being this way any more than you like me being this way but it's basic psychology. People want what they can't have and what they see as above them. Sorry if this offends anyone but it's the truth. The damned, unholy truth.)