5 Sure-fire, Broad Daylight Ways to Tell You're at a Redneck Wedding

1. First the entire event is held in the yard. Not out on the lawn, or the garden.

The yard most of the time is just that and all the lovely ornamental surroundings that come with it. The loose tin lying about, an old dog or three or four nestled in a hole they would have dug by the back door step. Last weeks wash, towels, left hanging on the swaying clothes lines for an added touch. Don't forget the nice line-up of rusted, wrecked cars and car parts and accessories. Golden, dry grass, brushing this metal freelance art of auto.

2. The wedding attire. More than likely, the groom will not be in a suit, much less a tux. Oh, he may have a suit jacket, Uncle Lynn's whose been dead at least 20 years. Shook the moth balls loose from the pockets on the way out the door. The bride, well, if she hasn't been blessed with Aunt's Jean's cousin Lucy's light blue number direct from Blair catalog, then most likely she's been thrift shopping. Her make-up laid on a little thick, just for this special day, After all she doesn't want the shade from the Catawba Worm tree to keep her guest from enjoying the view. Combs securely holding her deep brown rooted hair in place on at least one side of her head. Protection from the wind, blowing out of the East.

3. The Service. Preacher man or woman doesn't know the marriage couple, and will not pronounce their names right. They met yesterday, after Aunt Luna helped look up somebody in the yellow pages. His card said - weddings, funerals, baptisms, and will run lemonade stand with shared profits. He will stand amongst the plastics garden. A spot decorated, so the preacher can know where to mark his spot. Plastic yellow daisies and pink tulips straight from the dollar store. Can't believe they carry such nice things. The best hound on the premises will meander down the "aisle", marked by more store bought flowers, carrying the satin pillow from grandma's death bed. Pillow strapped in place and carrying precious cargo; the matching wedding bands they bought from the flea market last Saturday. The music, lovely as it is, comes from a boom-box which is up one the porch railings with Uncle Jim at the controls.

4. The Picture taking. There may be two of those throw away cameras in the whole crowd. By the end of the short ceremony most of one will have been used up. Then they will proceed to line up in different fashions, not necessarily organized groups to snap a few memories. There will be at least one shot of the happy couple with beer in hand.

5. The Reception. This will be the highlight of the event. Every picnic table and card table from five miles around will have been set up, out next to the pasture on the flat ground, momma's good sheets and a few borrowed from the neighbors serve as table clothes. Every chair, loose cinder block, five gallon bucket and log on the place have turned up. Waiting to be used.

The drinks are a help your self to a beer out of one of the coolers variety. Coolers stationed randomly around the yard. All coolers are subject to change locations and / or contents.

The food will be served on the bed sheeted tables. On the table nearest electricity there sits a long platter of pigs-in-a-blanket. The platter rest upon a folded electric blanket, warming the pigs. Well, Aunt May has lent a touch of craft and saved her whipped topping bowls for years, just for occasions such as this. She's used paper dollies and red duct-tape to jazzed-em up a bit. Don't those cheese puffs look delicious against that red color. The punch, made by Cousin Sue, is in a special cooler, sitting on top of the center picnic table with the cake, which was made by Aunt Dot, who, while she bakes great cakes is as color blind as they come.

Finally, if you have never had an opportunity to attend such an event then you don't know what you've been missing out on.