5 Things Nobody Tells You to Expect when Having a Baby

I had all of those baby books about What to Expect When You're Expecting. Maybe if I had paid more attention to that book instead of those Baby Name books I would have been more prepared. Either way, I still feel the need to blame every other child bearing woman before me for the knowledge that I lacked.

All of the women I talked to (while pregnant) wanted to share their own labor stories or give me advice that they deemed necessary for me to hear. After countless advice and tips from these women and reading books I honestly felt as if I were some how smarter than the other expecting mothers who hadn't heard such advice. I was wrong. I was shocked. These women had given me useless information. Useless. I knew diapers and formula were expensive. I didn't need to hear this from any one else. I could have figured that out on my own. Even more shocking are the things every other woman failed to tell me. Here are five things that I will give the honest truth about when having a child.

Take every opportunity for sleep you can. When I was a kid part of the treat of the weekend meant sleeping in. I never understood then why someone would want to get up before noon on purpose. My mom used to always tell me I was going to sleep my life away. I only made it a habit of sleeping until noon when I could. After twelve o'clock she was waking me up whether I liked it or not. My whole life this woman had acted as if she was completely rested and gladly ready to start any Saturday at 7:00 a.m. The truth is that she should have let me take every opportunity to sleep I could.

I had not even left the delivery room when I knew that I had missed out on a big chunk of information about what parenting was really like. I got smart quick and knew there could only be more I was going to have to learn quickly.

It was because of this realization that I didn't want to leave the hospital after my first daughter was born. I got to stay five whole nights which everyone else says is very uncommon with a vaginal birth. I loved every second of those five days. I ordered food to my room as if it were room service at a five star hotel that I may never afford to visit again. This was the kind of room service where they don't serve alcohol but they still put on a smile and act as if they are thrilled to bring it to you. I loved it. There was a whole three page menu full of food that I did not have to cook or even get up to get. This is my kind of service. I could actually lay in bed all day and watch television if I wanted to, at least when I wasn't busy ordering my room service. The nurses would bring my baby to me when I wanted her, and then take her away when I needed to rest. This was better than a live in nanny. I loved it. The only annoying part was the nightly interruption to check my vitals and take even more blood from me.

I knew then that this break in the hospital was as good as it was going get for me. All of that work in the delivery room had paid off in a sense. It was now the hospital's duty to make sure I was comfortable as well as my baby. The hospital make actually use the term healthy instead of comfortable. I believe it's all in how you interpret healthy. Then almost out of now where they put you in a wheel chair and whisk you and your new baby to your car. I at least demanded that I was eating lunch before I checked out.

During those first six weeks I found out that yes, I actually can fall asleep while sitting up and a ten minute cat nap is a real nap. I was lucky enough to have my baby start sleeping through the night at six weeks old. Sleeping through the night has different meanings for different kids. Do my children sleep through the night now? No. Every night it is something different. Bad dreams, thirst, bathroom trips, and waking me up just to tell me their sister got up to pee all happen on a regular basis.

You will be the most imperfect mother. I think most of my imperfect moments come when I am trying to do everything right. On my third mothers day I decided my toddler and I were going to the park. We were ready to go and headed to the car. I went ahead and started the car. I put my daughter in and buckled her up. Shut the door and then BAM it hit me. I just locked her in the car with it running! When I said, "honey climb out of your car seat and unlock the door" she said, "no. I'm going to the park." She meant it. It took a Sheriff's deputy and one mangled metal coat hanger before we'd ever go anywhere. I had locked my kid in the car, with the car running on Mother's day. This kid who had made a habit out of un-buckling her own car seat had decided she was no longer going to listen to me. She was going to the park. It was then I figured out she had her own agenda. She was selfish and I was going to have to deal with it. This probably wasn't my fist screw up, but it was certainly the biggest at that time.

Now, I think it's kind of nice that I set the bar high for screwing up. Since then when ever one of my kids complain that I did anything wrong I just explain how much worse I really could have made things. It's all about perspective.

Car seats are hard to get in sports cars. Mini vans are much easier. I have never met anyone that is dying to get their hands on a minivan. Can you imagine two men standing around talking about how fast a minivan can get from zero to sixty? No one is turning their grocery getter into a revved up racing machine. It's not like when picking out a mini van you will be complaining that "they have all been modified for racing". This just doesn't happen. The minivan status is basically that of the station wagon status from years ago. The minivan is basically a glorified grocery getter, but more roomy and with the options of today's technology. I love my 2005 Chrylser Town and Country. Like most of the things I own I purchased this hot rod used. This van is actually one of the newer used things I own. When we bought the van I believe it only had about a thousand miles on it. Four years later we are around fifty thousand miles with not one actual problem (knock on wood).

Now that I am a parent I treat that mini van as if it's a BMW. I want to keep it clean and the miles low. In my younger years, we would stuff seven people into a hatch back. Now
we can fit seven comfortably. Your tastes in things change and once you become a mother practicality takes over. I wasn't real thrilled about this at first either. Three vacations later, I have come to the conclusion I never want to trade it in. Yes, I do wish I had a little compact hybrid for running around town. For travel, even with only two kids, the minivan is now the king of my cars.

There is no sense in buying new furniture. I got a new leather couch last month and it is only ten years old! I love my mom's hand me downs. It looks so much better than our 1970's La-Z-Boy reclining couch from the seventies. My husband bought that La-Z-Boy at a yard sale before we were married. I couldn't wait to throw it away. To the curb it went; not even our trash pickers wanted anything to do with it. You may ask yourself why we had it for so long if I hated it that bad.

The truth is I hated that couch with a passion, but could not bring myself to ever spend $600 or more on something I new would end up with a marker stain, fake make up on it, or scissors through it. We had previously used our tax return to buy a new computer with a fancy, flat screen monitor! We had only had it a couple of weeks when our then three year old daughter decided to see what the monitor would look like with Sharpie marker all over the screen! It wasn't has bad as it sounds though. By this time I had learned about the cleaning effects of rubbing alcohol.

My kids don't exactly color on their bedroom walls, but we do have a few strategically placed pieces of furniture in our house! I love to see a house with nice furniture in it. However, I prefer not to see my own house with what was once nice furniture turned into dirty, stained, crappy looking furniture. I prefer the "we're not wasting a penny
on new furniture when my mom will just give me her old stuff" look.

Your boobs will be forever changed. I think everyone knows the majority of pregnant women experience growth all the way around their body. However, our boobs may be the only place some of us welcome an extra pound. If your girls are already huge then you could be in trouble. My friends would say, "wow! Your boobs are huge!" However, amidst all of this flattery none of them ever warned me of this immense pain by boobs were about to feel. And boy was I about to find out! By the time I got out of the hospital I was wearing a bra that only Dolly Parton could fill. Typically, I hate the bra. Not just any bra, I hate every bra. This time was different. My boobs hurt too bad not to have them wrapped up. They hurt too bad to sleep on my back and they hurt too bad to sleep on my side. There was probably not a chance in hell I would ever sleep on my stomach again. They hurt and they leaked. I'd heard about the leakage before. My friends informed me there are these little pads that you could put in your bra in case they were leaking while you were out. A little pad? Better get a maxi pad for each side or they'll be leaking faster than my 53 year old mom when she laughs. I began to ask my mom one day why she didn't warn me about the breast pain I was then experiencing. Her best excuse, "I can't remember back that far. Try sticking your kid on one of them and see if they get any better." This did not make me feel any better. The pain went away about after a week. When I started loosing my baby weight my boobs took on a whole new shape of their own. No one warned me about this either!