5 Things Republicans Secretly Love About Liberals

Republicans often differ from their dirty, hippy counterparts. Yet, they can still collectively find value within certain issues.

Therefore, in the spirit of political friendliness, I'd like to reveal the five things Republicans secretly love about the Liberal Philosophy.

A) The Legalization of Marijuana.

Now, don't mistake me. Most republicans, with the exception of a few GOP rebels (That's right, McCain, you know what I'm talking about!), do not smoke marijuana, nor do they wish to make it legal. However, the Liberal agenda constantly pushes the issue to the forefront, essentially advertising the drug as a miracle joint that can be used for medical purposes, recreational use, and even hemp pajamas. (Are those flame retardant?)

Because most pot-heads are lazy goofballs who waste their lives away working at various low-level positions, and because most pot-heads are liberal, this means that most of the important job positions involving a focused and ambitious nature can be scooped up by conservatives. Thanks, Liberals for doping up your Blue State folks and making it easier for our Grand Ol' Party members to attain high paying jobs. We really appreciate you "toking" up on the couch and staying out of the rat-race altogether.

B) Illegal Immigration

Openly, most Republicans will groan and complain about border security and those darn Mexicans that keep sneaking across the border and swiping jobs away from natural citizens. However, most conservative politicians have also made a lot of promises to Big Business Lobbyists. Therefore, it's really in the party's best interest to let our Latino neighbors "coyote" their way across the desert and achieve the American dream of slaving away at Wal-Mart for serf-styled wages.

3) Soft Criminal Justice System

This one is a tricky issue. You see, those bleeding heart liberals want to give way too many rights to those no-goodnick criminals. Democrats are notoriously soft on crime; they even bitch and moan about the Death Pentalty. They claim that it's foolish to say that killing people is morally wrong and officially illegal, and therefore we should not kill criminals.

Of course, that's a silly, illogical argument. Holding people against their will is technically illegal. Should the government be allowed to keep people in jail?

In short, those darn Liberals and their wimpy stance on crime drives us conservatives crazy!!!

Until we break the law... And that's when we really appreciate the pussy-whipped legal system which liberal softies have established.

C) Birkenstocks.

I wouldn't be caught dead wearing these hippy loafers in public. But in the privacy of my home, many are these suckers comfy! (Please don't tell anyone in the GOP!)

D) Pornography.

Now, you may have noticed that lots of Republicans have often gone on tirades about the evils of sexuality in the media. You may also have noticed that most of these vocal republicans are women. Yes, we conservative males have married prim and proper females who believe in eradicating perverse, immoral images from television, movies and even the internet. In truth, I believe these women have a valid point. However, if they truly removed all of the porn from the wonderful nation... how could we tolerate being married to them? Porn is the secret ingredient to a long-term successful marriage.

Let's face it, after ten or more years of marriage, most couples have it down to a system: the wife begrudgingly agrees to copulate twice a week. Twenty percent of those evenings are marred by fake headaches. Ten percent of the remaining evenings will be spoiled by non-erotic, pre-sexual congress discussion... For example: "Timmy got another bad report card again" or "Grandma called today. She has Stomach Cancer" or "Oh, honey, before we make love, could you pop this pimple on my back"

At the end, what is a man left with? On average, about eighteen sessions of intercourse per year. That means, he's left to deal with approximately 347 erections, not including morning-wood.That's why, secretly, we Republican males take our hats off to the liberal media. You perverts have saved our marriages!

And what do the rest of you Republcan AC writers think? Is there anything else good about the Liberal Philosophy?

And what of your Liberals out there? Is there anything you feel is noble about the Conservative viewpoint? Put down your bong-pipe and your burnt American flag and tell us!