5 Things I Wish They Still Made

I do not envy children today. These children are growing up in a virus-free environment, where everyday life is dolled out in safety-ensured amounts. Therefore, as my humble act of community service, I present...

5 things I wish they still made.

5. Bubs Daddy: A foot-long wand of artificial gum that ensured both tooth decay and lasting memories of Little League baseball games. The sugar would mingle with your saliva and form a shock-inducing elixir that would coat the back of your throat. And if boredom ever became a factor, then your little group of friends could always conduct a contest to see which person could cram the most Bubs Daddy into their mouth without gagging.

4. Chemical sets: Risk is always a factor in science, and was the fumes really that toxic? Imagine if more kids were given chemical sets to use at home. We would likely have cheap, alternative energy sources, and cars would be zooming along in the air.

3. Arcade games: Sitting on a couch playing games on your own television? Heresy! Video games are meant to be played standing up, and I don't count the Nintendo Wii as "standing up." There should be nothing more than a simple joy stick and a few buttons to mash. You should have to wait your turn, you should have to fork over your cash to receive tokens, and you should always strive to get your name on the high score list.

2. SST: The name stood for Super Sonic Transport, which accounted for the speed required by your parent to rush you to the hospital if you little fingers ever got too close to the rear wheel. The design was brilliant in its simplicity; you had a car which ran only on raw kinetic energy. You would push this little zip cord into the back of the giant rear wheel, find a nice long stretch of open terrain, pull the cord as fast as possible and let the car zoom away. If you didn't remove your fingers fast enough, the car also carried with it an ounce or two of your skin.

1. Playground equipment: I mean real equipment, like teeter-totters and monkey bars. Equipment that could be abused for maximum enjoyment and danger. Equipment like merry-go-rounds that caused ejection for kids who lost their grips. Equipment that toughened young boys and prepared them for the dull work which lay ahead after graduation. I'm talking swings that practically begged you to jump out at the highest point, only to land on blacktop or loose gravel. I'm talking equipment that tore teeth from tender young gums and splintered fragile young bones.