5 Tips for Dealing with Indulgent Grandparents

I love my mother. She did a great job of raising me and has become one of my best friends as an adult. She is supportive, honest and encouraging. However, as a Grandmother to my children, I think she is perhaps a little over-indulgent.

I want my children to eat healthy meals, she enjoys giving them treats and snacks. I want to limit the amount of time my children spend in front of the television, she wants them to enjoy all that the Disney Channel has to offer. I want to nip disobedience and defiance in the bud, she would like to give them a little bit of room to "express themselves". I want my children to say "Please" and "Thank You", she loves to give them things regardless of whether or not they ask for it politely. Yes, when it comes to my children, my mother and I have quite a difference in opinion of what ought to be expected from them.

Most people I talk to about this dilemma say, "Let grandparents be grandparents." I don't completely disagree. I understand that grandparents have a special, very loving bond with their grandchildren, but I don't think this should override a parent's decisions for their children. This especially becomes a factor when, after children have spent time with their grandparents, they come home with bad attitudes, expecting their parents to bow to their whims.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are a few tips to put into practice.

1. Pick your battles. Sometimes as parents we feel as though we have the right to pick every battle-and we do. However, it may be more expedient to pick a few things which are very important to you. If you send your children to your parents' house with a list of rules complete with a minute-by-minute itinerary, your parents will likely toss it out and make all of their own rules. If you give your parents a few guidelines and stress that they are very important for you, they are more likely to respect your wishes.

2. Know when to put your foot down. You are the parent. There are some issues that are too important for compromise. For example, you may insist that your children not have any caffeine in the evening, because then they will be unable to go to sleep at night. Perhaps a certain program is too violent or explicit for your children to watch. You know what your limits are-don't be afraid to enforce them.

3. Let love cover the rest. Even if you've told your mother not to offer your child candy, and she still holds a piece out for him the moment she walks in the door, don't confront her. This will only make her defensive and lead to an argument (not a good idea in front of the kids). If the issue isn't about safety or principles, don't let it be fuel for a debate over parenting styles.

4. Be prepared for criticism. Most parents (mine included) are not afraid to tell you that they think you are too strict. I have found that there is little you can say to change your parents' minds about this. I have tried reminding my mother what she was like with us as children, but this has done little to persuade her to my way of thinking. I am learning to respond quietly and deliberately to her criticism, rather than flinging back incredulous statements which question her logic. Don't sacrifice your relationship to have your way.

5. Appreciate their motives. Even if your parents give too much candy, entertainment, attention, toys, etc., to your children, you must remember that they are doing it out of love. Perhaps they didn't have the money to lavish things on you when you were a child, so they are now obliged to do it for your children. Maybe they were busy working when you were young, but now want to pour their attention into your kids. Appreciate the way they are trying to make the childhoods of your children special and memorable.

It can be challenging to deal with your parents when you feel they do not respect your wishes for your children. It is helpful to set a few rules which are implacable, and turn a blind eye to the rest. Just as you are only a parent once, they are only grandparents once. Do not sacrifice a harmonious relationship with your parents because you feel you need to criticize their grandparenting. Do your best to appreciate the wonderful memories and feelings they are contributing to your children's lives.