5 Tips for Talking to Kids About Divorce
Be Honest
I tried to be as honest as possible with my children. Much depends upon the age and maturity of the child, but when my kids asked if their Dad and I would be getting a divorce (right after he moved out) I told them honestly that I didn't know. I explained that a divorce might be a very real possibility.
Go Easy on Details
While being as honest as possible is important, it is also important to understand that kids don't need every last detail. If infidelity was a reason for the split, the kids don't necessarily need that detail. They will do fine with just knowing that Mom and Dad have some differences that can't be worked out and they need to be away from each other.
The kids don't need to know that Mom or Dad cheated with their secretary or personal trainer, lied about money, stole from their employer or other sordid details. Keep it simple. Remember that when you are talking to your kids about divorce, you are ultimately talking to them about a situation with another important person in their life--their other parent.
Be Available for Questions
It is important for the kids to know that they can ask you whatever is on their mind. I tried to reassure my kids that no question was off-limits.
Ask Questions
Because sometimes kids won't say what is on their mind, I found that when I asked questions of my own, they often opened up and told me what they were thinking--and these were usually things they didn't want to ask themselves.
Sometimes, I simply needed to stay how I was feeling about a specific issue then ask the kids what they thought about it and that was all that was necessary to get them talking.
Don't Push
There have been times when my kids really didn't want to talk about something and I found that it was best if I just backed off and didn't push it. They would talk when they were ready but pushing would turn it into a bad memory and an uncomfortable situation for all.
The most important thing of all when talking to kids about divorce is to make sure they understand they are not at fault and they are loved. If you have to tell them these things daily, then do it. Kids need to be reassured frequently that they are special to both of their parents.
Published by Tammy Lee Morris - Featured Contributor in Lifestyle
Tammy Lee Morris is a lifelong resident of southern Illinois where she enjoys a quiet life in a rural area. After working for a local newspaper while studying journalism at a local community college, she dev... View profile
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7 Comments
Post a CommentA great article about a tough subject.
As a teacher, I have seen many children experience the divorcing of their parents. How the parents handle the children makes all the difference in the world. This is insightful and valuable advice!.
Well written and I am sorry for your families situation, my mother and father divorced when I was 10. It was difficult but it showed me what type of parent I wanted to be.
My oldest son was separated from his wife for a few months last year...the boys went through so many emotions. It was hard! These tips will help those going through a divorce so much, Tamara. Thanks. :)
Touchy subject. Considering cultural sensibilities, tho, in many settings, other options and approaches would be used.
Super advice!
My divorce was many years ago and telling the children was the hardest thing to do. We just told them mom and dad were not able to live together anymore but that we did love them and that things would work out. I think many times the kids already know their parents weren't really happy with one another. The tension can't be hidden between two people, it is felt by children and your family and friends.