5 Top Ways to Look Busy at Work...When You're Really Not

5 Top Ways to Look Busy at Work (When You're Really Not)

5. Write a bunch of crap on your business calendar
And, make sure it's visible to others. As many as possible. This is key. Then, as days go by, scratch out the gibberish and b.s. you've scribbled with a giant red marker. And, don't just put a line through it. Make it a huge gash. Make it like you're not just trying to ex the words out, but rather eradicate them from the face of the earth, out of memory, erase the from all existence. Maybe even swear a little under your breath Yosemite Sam-style as you do so. Or mutter, " Back to the depths of hell I cast you down." Feel free to stab the calendar a bit too (but not too much, we're going for lookin' busy, not psychotic…that comes later on Top 5 Ways to Get Fired).

4. Wear a tie tight a the beginning of the day
Make sure your boss sees you. Then periodically make excuses to see the boss or stop by his office throughout the day, and each time have the tie a little looser than before. Maybe even un-tuck your shirt a bit, as well, you know, just to let him know how much the day is beating you down. Because you're doing sooooo much work, right?

3. Have a business email up on the screen at all times
The reason for this is two-fold:
1. It blocks any of the other " business" you are may be taking care of - such as checking personal email, playing Hold 'em, or looking up " artistic" photos.
2. If a boss constantly sees work email up, he thinks, " this kid's a go getter, an essential communicator, go-to-guy, versatile, with inter-office and customer relation skills." Of course if any of that were actually true then you wouldn't be reading this would you.

2. Keep a pencil or pen in your ear
Preferably a red one. Why else would it be there if it didn't need to be readily at hand for work? I mean, you can't be fumbling in the pen holder that's a colossal 12 inches away to try to retrieve a pen. No- that's time wasted. Instead, Bam! right hand, straight to the right ear with the quickness. Well, that's why it's there right. I mean, why would any one just stick a pen in their ear? For kicks?? That's just crazy.

1. Glare and shake your head a lot
Always look frustrated an angry because if you really were working hard, you wouldn't like it. Here's the logical equation: when there's only hard work to be done, hard faces will follow. So glare. Scowl. Stare people down at the water cooler. And when you're done with your drink, crush your little paper cup ala Richard Dreyfus from Jaws - while never breaking eye contact. Shaking your head a lot works to convey a certain " No, no, NO!!…I can't believe this is happening, I can't believe all this work !!" Tossling your hair helps too, 'cuz busy hair means busy worker.

And to all those who think that doing the above would be more work than doing actual work, I say, isn't fake work more fun and rewarding than actual work anyways?

And for those of you who are more daring and committed, here are a few other "busy" suggestions:
- ink on hands and lips, creates the illusion of biting furious on pen out of frustration
- have friends call you for "business calls"
- stay late one night a week doing "work" - which means updating your fantasy football (or MySpace, if that's your thing)
- one or two days a month sleep in your car in the company lot so you will be the first at work the next day