5 Ways to Get Back at Evil Cab Drivers

Cab drivers are the absolute scrouge of the Earth.They are entrusted with the most honored and sacred duty to get us to our destinations as quickly as possible. I need to be somewhere and I need to be there as quickly as possible! What could be more important than me getting what I want?

But do these cab drivers fulfill their oath and indulge us in our every whim? Shockingly, they do not! (Shocking, no?)

Instead, they act in a very peculiar manner and exhibit very strange behaviors, for instance they ignore me when I inform them that they should speed up the vehicle, citing something archaic called "Traffic Laws".

Not only that, but they actually slow down in school districts, refuse to blow their horn in hospital zones and react with horror at any suggestion to run people over.

I tried to reason with them (I'm a very reasonable person), I tell them that - "Traffic rules do not apply to vehicles which are transporting very special persons (Myself) so speed up!" "My very important movie is starting in five minutes!" "Zebra crossings are for Zebras! I don't see no Zebras!"

Weirdly enough most of them ignore me and some even laugh! As if the plight of the very special persons waiting in uncaring cabs, following authoritarian "Traffic Laws" is a joke.

Thankfully, not all cab drivers are like this and some actually care about their customers feelings, more than some stupid pedestrians, but many do not and if you find yourself in one of these taxis then here are some ways you can react:

5. Act like a drunk

You: (Blubbering, slobbering) My Mom is a wreck (Hic) its all my Dads fault. He was never around! On account of him being a Sperm Donor.

Cab Driver: Er.. okay...

You: Are you my Dad?

Cab Driver: Er... no

You: DADDY!

Then run with it, accuse him of lying. Tell him momma is close to suicide because of him. Compare your eye colors and scream obscenities about Nazis.

4. Act like a foreign Movie Star tourist

You: Did you see my movie called (Insert weird exotic name here. I prefer "Exoticus")

Cab Driver: No, I did not.

You: You uncultured swine! This a is a great affront to the Anzo-Cauzoosian community. How dare you insult us!

Cab Driver: I did not insult...

You: So you deny it! LIAR!

3. Act like a High Priest of Tech fashion

You: iPhone is awesome..... iPhone blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. How do you like your iPhone?

Cab Driver: I don't have one.

You: Outrageous!

At this point pretend to call someone on your iPhone talk loudly.

You: I found someone who is not one of us. Yes he must be converted. With force if necessary....

If he does have an iPhone then...

You: Wanna come to our secret Apple parties? We eat apple pie and piss on Steve Ballmer pics! Then comes the orgies!

2. Act like an escapee from a mental institution

You: Don't worry, I come in peace.

Cab driver: What?

You: Have no fear, I will not harm you.... probably.

Cab Driver: Good to know.

You: Unless you send me to back to the mental institution from which I escaped.

Cab Driver: You escaped from a mental institution?

You: No! Who told you that! They lie!

Then accuse him of working at for the institution, start bawling about how you'll be good and that there won't be any more deadly "incidents"

1. Act like a alien visitor from the non-planet Pluto

You: How dare you Earthlings! stripping us Plutonians the right to live on a certified planet! How dare you?!

Cab Driver: Eh?

You: I'll have you know that our planets are now at WAR! That's right! I called Pluto a planet! What'cha gonna do about it huh?

Cab Driver: *Silence*

You: Don't you have any compassion for our children? Do you know how those evil Martian bullies laugh at us now and make racist insults! Good lord man! Where is your soul?! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

If all of these fails...

Recite Klingon Poetry from - http://www.angelfire.com/ak/bhagwandave/pklingon.html

This stuff is enough to scare anyone.