5 Ways to Revolt Against Valentine's Day

You know it's coming. You dread it every year. The stores begin to fill with pink and purple plastic hearts held by cute little teddy bears that say, "I love you!" in a squeeky high voice when you squeeze them. Chocolate in every possible shape tells lovers they are sweet, sexy, and super. You can't help but gag.

If the thought of Valentine's Day makes you want to rip all your hair out then go running into the street, then here are five ways you can revolt against Valentine's Day that will make you less nauseous:

1. Send a Valentine Card to Your Ex

What better way to celebrate an anti-Valentine's Day than to pick out the perfect card for your ex; one that says, "You really are something," in that special way. Even better, pick out the sappiest card you can find with lots of deep poetry and then sign it by saying, "Just kidding! Ha ha ha!" You will find your heart beaming with joy.

2. Make a Reservation for You and a Friend at a Fancy Restaurant

You want to take a friend who has just been dumped. Be sure to get a table in the midst of lots of oogling couples. Order a few drinks and begin talking about your friend's ex, especially how selfish he or she was for dumping your friend. Order a few more drinks and really emphasize how much relationships suck and that they never last. You can be loud here for the full effect. Then, sit back and watch the looks of horror on all the couples' faces.

3. Go to the Grocery Store at About 5:00 p.m. on Valentine's Day

This one takes very little effort on your part, but offers great rewards. Simply go to your local grocery store at about 5:00 p.m. You don't have to buy anything. Just walk in and take a look around. Notice all the men running around frantically grabbing flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, cards, whatever they can get their hands on. Be sure to get a good look at their faces. Most will look like they are trying to avert God's wrath. They will stand in line impatiently checking their watches or answering their cell phones saying something like, "Yes, dear. I'm on my way home." Then laugh. Just belt it out as loud as you can. If you cause a scene, that's good. Turn around and walk out as soon as one of the anxious men notices you.

4. Rent Every Single Copy of "Ghost" at the Local Video Store

For some reason, this movie is very popular on Valentine's Day. You can really get in on the big rush by renting every single copy of it before the big day. Don't actually watch it. What you are doing is preventing someone else's suffering by making sure it's not available. No one should have to be subjected to that pottery wheel scene ever again. Think of it as a very altruistic way to revolt against the holiday. You will feel a deep sense of service to your fellow human being.

5. Buy a Stuffed Animal

Go ahead. Go to the store and buy one of those big-eyed stuffed animals holding a heart in its hands. When you get it home, subject it to all kinds of torture. Grab a bat and whack it. Throw it out in the street and run over it with your car several times. Throw rotten tomatoes at it. Take out all your pent up aggression on that furry little woodland creature. When it looks like it has been ravaged by a pack of crazed, wild dogs, pack it up in a box and send it to your ex with a note that says, "Thinking of you. Ha ha ha!"

Instead of loathing Valentine's Day, make it an annual celebration against the holiday. Tell all your friends and family about it and get them involved too. You just may start a new tradition that will be passed down through the generations. And you may just end up looking forward to this day in the future. Have fun!