5 Ways to Get Rich During the Recession

Unless you have been on a 6-month expedition to the South Pole, or getting your news from some Ayatollah or Grand Dragon, you're aware that the national economy is headed south faster than a disoriented drug smuggler. And, as if to comply with some unknown cosmic law or to rid their webmasters of a few truckloads of karma, the number of web sites that purport to tell you how to "make big profits from the recession" are growing faster than the number of FBI agents assigned to investigate the Governor of Illinois.

Rather than lose sleep over whether or not good, honest, gun-owning, Bible-reading bitter Americans will fall for any of these recycled Amway scams, your humble correspondent, out of the goodness of the few remaining undamaged sections of his heart, is giving away not just one but all Five Ways That You Can Get Rich During The Coming (on the outside chance that it hasn't hit your side of town yet) Recession.

1. Rob a bank

Although it isn't common knowledge, the FBI reports that only 10% of bank robbers are captured within 24 hours of their crimes and that only 50% are captured within a week. With odds like that in your favor, it's a wonder that you won't have to stand in line to stick up your local bank or credit union. On top of that, if you're ever arrested you can claim that you were just doing you patriotic duty by helping Messiah-elect Obama "spread the wealth around!"

There has never been a better opportunity time to take up this highly profitable business! While your local cops are busy fighting the rising tide of felonious illegal parking and busting those who menace the social order by smoking in a bar and the FBI is chasing people who throw their shoes at George Bush, you can be raking in a few thousand deflated dollars very day!

2. Sue the bank that you just robbed because you're allergic to the dye that bank used in the "dye bomb" that they always give to bank robbers

If robbing banks becomes too physically demanding or emotionally stressful, you can always sue the bank on the grounds that they were negligent in choosing they brand of dye and tear gas that was included in the bundle of money that one of

their employees gave you. Given the intellectual capacity of a typical American jury, even after your lawyer gets his (or her) cut of your settlement this tactic should net you a few million dollars in profit.

3. Change your name to Tom Clancy or J.K Rowling and write a book

Just because you have trouble with complete sentences or the ward attendant took away your crayons doesn't mean that you can't become a "commercially successful" author. Trust me on this one! Just take a look at the garbage people are buying as fast as the bookstores can restock!

Of course, you might run into a few minor legal problems regarding obscure points of copyright or intellectual property law with this strategy, but a good lawyer can get your case postponed long enough to sell a few million more copies of your magnum opus.

4. Keep your original name and write a book with "Da Vinci Code" somewhere in its title

These three words are your ticket to a life of idle wealth! As every author's agent or editor will tell you, you can stick the words "Da Vinci Code" on the Mandarin Chinese translation of the New York City phone book and it will sell five million copies in the United States alone. And that doesn't include a few million more in sales after your book is reprinted in paperback with the magical words "Soon to be a Major Motion Picture" on its cover.

For more information on writing your blockbuster first book, see my previous postings "How to Write Really Bad Science Fiction" and "How to Write a Million Seller."

5. Become an "investment Advisor"

You might think that being an investment advisor during a financial panic has all the job security of a junior salesman at Abdul's Used Cars and Caravansary (Se Habla Espanole!). If you made that mistake, you should pay attention now!

Not only are financial advisors entitled to a percentage of their clients' portfolios, but the ones that actually make money in the current markets will have all the clients they can handle! On top of that, even if you're having a hard time convincing anyone that shares of Enron, Global Crossing, and WorldCom "represent an excellent chance for growth in the near term," you can rest comfortably in the knowledge that over 95% of your competition either lost their shirts on derivatives and credit swaps or are currently under federal indictment!

Mandatory Disclaimer Stuff!

The above is presented for informational purposes only and is intended neither as a recommendation nor an offer to aid and abet in any fraudulent activity. Those wishing to avail themselves of the above information will be automatically considered for current and future vacancies as Secretary of the Treasury or as members of the Federal Reserve's Board of Directors.