5 Worst Choices in Women's Fashion

Normally, I concern myself with publishing articles on "manly" topics, like sports, movies, and music. Yet I've noticed recently that women have been following some terrible fashion trends. For the most part, women do a great job policing themselves when it comes to fashion mistakes. It seems, however, that all of them suffer from selective blindness when it comes to these horrible choices of clothing. Thus, I take it upon myself to warn them. In no particular order of ugliness, here they are. First, for more female fashion tragedies and a much more R-rated discussion of these and others check out www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net.

Ballerina Slippers

I don't know if this is the technical term for these shoes, but it's the closest thing I can come up with. You know what I'm talking about, ladies. These shoes look like house slippers from the 1970s and often come with sequins or jewels near the toes. Not only are these ugly, but they collect and show dirt as soon as you put them on. What's more repulsive than massive clubbed feet? Filthy, dirty, ballerina feet. You are not cute. You do not look like a ballerina. You look like you haven't bathed in three weeks and that you live in a dirt-floor house. Nasty.

Tights

I have no idea why tights made a comeback after being ushered out with all the other horrible fashion choices of the the 1980s and early '90s. Tights make you look like you forgot to wear pants. Something seems missing from the outfit. They also remind me of some football pajamas that I used to wear as a 9-year-old or when I put on long underwear bottoms to go ice-fishing. Seriously, tights make it look like you have no idea how to dress yourself.

Pregnant Shirts

Again, being a guy, I don't care what the technical name for this style is. All I know is that they are tremendously ugly. These are tops that look like a miniskirt designed for a pregnant woman. I don't know why any fashion designer thought that the trapezoid would be a good fit on the human body. They're formless, flowing, and make anyone (and I mean ANYONE) look fat. I don't care if your Mischa Barton; these shirts (dresses?) add at least 30 pounds to you. Luckily, the onset of winter has made these largely disappear. Do us all a favor and don't dig them out again in May. Don't get rid of them, though. They'll make great summer maternity clothes.

Eskimo boots/Sweatpants combo

The combination of those weird winter boots that come halfway up the calf (and, by the way, also give you sasquatch feet) with sweatpants is one of the worst combos in years. You look like you just rolled out of bed and put on the first clothes you stumbled into. Sweatpants make your butts look huge. That's probably why people used to where them only in the privacy of their homes. I'm sure you know this already, but you're huge sweatpant butts attract even more attention when they have writing on them. The boots remind me of those clunky winter moon boots that I used to have as a kid. You remember those, don't you? The ones where it really didn't matter which foot went into which boot? I don't even think the manufacturers knew which was the right boot and which was was the left.

Crocs

Crocs are those plastic, clunky shoe/sandals that come in a wide variety of ugly, neon-looking colors. I have seen them worn with socks, but this makes them look even worse. Women should have been tipped off by the fact that neon colors DON'T match ANYTHING! No matter what you combine with them, Crocs kill any outfit. What's worse than the ugliness of Crocs? They make all women look like they have massive, unformed, clubbed feet. Men like dainty, cute feet. Not feet that remind us of a sasquatch. Have you ever seen how huge Elliot's feet are on the show Scrubs? That's what Crocs make your feet look like. Please, lose them. Now. Oh yeah, I'm not buying the argument that bare feet encased in plastic are not becoming producers of odor and fungus just because the manufacturer says they're not.

Don't get me wrong. Most of the stuff women wear looks good. These things do not. Trash them. "But Chim," you say, "all my friends are wearing these things." I understand. That's the sad part. Every girl thinks that these are great articles of clothing. That's why I had to step in and say something.