50 Years of Interstate Highways! YeeHaw!

I haven't been this excited since National Metric Week. Yesterday, I could barely contain myself as I drove down the highway and saw a sign proclaiming that America is celebrating 50 years of interstates. "Finally!" I screamed, pumping my fist in jubilation.

Needless to say, like any red-blooded American, I am extremely passionate about interstate highways. All that asphalt, and those exit ramps - golly that's exciting! If there is one thing that the citizens of this country and the members of Kool & the Gang have been clamoring for, it's an officially sanctioned nationwide celebration of interstates. Celebrate highways, come on! It's a celebration! (Let's celebrate!)

But I have to admit that after that initial rush of adrenaline upon learning of the interstate festivities, I had a bit of a letdown. "Is that all there is?" I asked myself. "How else can I celebrate the wonder that is our national roadway infrastructure?"

And, as I often do during times of confusion, I sought comfort and guidance from a higher power - The Internet. Which, by the way, was invented by Al Gore and Tommy Lee Jones when they were roommates at Harvard with Bill Gates. After several hours of trolling unsuccessfully through emails promising me rapid weight loss, immediate cash deposits into my checking account and hot Christian singles, I finally found what I was looking for. No, not big beautiful Christian women, but the Department of Transportation's interstate celebration website.

Talk about a treasure trove of fun! On the site, there is a charming photograph of charismatic U.S. Transportation Secretary Norman "Bulldog" Mineta's head. There is also a fun interstate fact of the day. Did you know that there is no I-50 because under a translation of the King James Bible that was popular in 1956 the number 50 was considered to be the sign of the Beast?

And there is an informative Frequently Asked Questions section. For example, the reason President Dwight D. "Mike" Eisenhower is called the Father of the Interstate System is because he spent the final six-and-a-half years of his presidency personally laying all the asphalt west of Topeka that is today known as I-70. President Mike's commitment to the interstate system arose from his belief that highways were essential to American safety during the Cold War and would also serve as an excellent series of emergency landing strips for UFOs.

I was, however, a little disappointed that the DOT website did not give any ideas about what kinds of gifts are appropriate for the interstate's big birthday bash. Maybe one of those Potholes for Dummies books. They're funny and helpful! And despite all the excitement surrounding the interstate's 50th birthday, we really shouldn't forget to plan other worthy nationwide celebrations. Like America celebrates 30 years of kudzu! Or America celebrates 57 years of Kenny Rogers' beard!

Uh-oh, I just thought of something. Did I already miss America celebrates 230 years of not going metric?