6 Ways to Aggravate Toxic People

I don't know about you, but I've read just about enough new agey articles about love and forgiveness and healing the inner child within and without when it comes to toxic people. We all know 'em, we all have a few in our lives, and none of us love 'em one little bit. I know of a few ways to have a little fun with them, though - or in fact, six ways. Wanna play?

1 FIND THE SORE SPOT
Even the most arrogant ass on the planet has a weak spot. You just have to observe their habitual behaviour and conversational patterns to identify it. Say you're naturally pretty thin - does your office manager repeatedly refer to your 'bony arse' and tell everyone how men really don't like 'skinny cows'? Well, there's a reason people denigrate and devalue something - pretty often it's because it's something they don't or can't have. This can apply to many different things - frequent references to your 'stupid' fancy car that is obviously just a replacement for what is lacking in some area of your anatomy? Devaluation of your 'pointless' degree that obviously has no value in the real world compared to actual workplace experience? There are many variants on this theme.

People give themselves away with every word they say - and they project their desires, frustrations and rage onto the victims of their toxicity. All this is evidence, useful information, so take careful note of it.

What can you do about this behaviour? Well, I recommend being happy. Being happy is pretty aggravating. How annoying are happy people anyway? Me, I hate 'em! And if someone is trying to get under your skin - trying to make you feel bad and apologetic about something you should be able to regard as an asset - then you need to turn that strategy around and use it against them. It shouldn't be hard - after all, the reason they're doing it is because of their own jealousy and anger about it. They want to take all your pleasure in your 'asset' away from you - to make you feel embarrassed and ashamed of it, as if it was a liability.

So what can you do about that? Well, you can respond in the exact opposite way to that which they expect and desire. How? By resoundingly declaring your joy and exuberance in possession of what they are busy denigrating (and secretly wishing they had). 'Oh, you think it must suck to be thin? That's strange, because I absolutely love it, and there's really nothing better than being able to fit into size zero clothes. I eat what I want, when I want it, and my boyfriend keeps saying how amazingly hot my body is! I love it - it's the best!'

(Please bear in mind, your toxic person's head may explode at this point. You don't want any of the splatter on your clothes - back off a little).

There are lots of other options too. 'You think my car sucks and demonstrates a fundamental deficiency and weakness in my character? Ha ha, that's so sweet! My auntie says the same stuff - but then she's always just had little old beaters herself that have fallen to pieces six months after she bought them. I always think that must be why she's so bitter about me having a beautiful expensive performance car... What do you think?'

'Oh, my degree is irrelevant and useless in this industry? And, er, I'm obviously a boffin with no practical ability? Well, you're probably right. I wouldn't like to argue it with the M.D., though - I bumped into him in the lift yesterday and he was just mentioning how impressed he was with my 2:1 in a technological subject, and said that was why he insisted I was the best person when they were interviewing for the job. I just feel silly arguing with people in positions of authority - maybe I'm too easily intimidated. Perhaps you should go tell him how you feel about it and put him right...'

2 MAKE LEMONS INTO...
I'm sure you know what comes next! Many toxic types reverse the tactic in point 1 above, and instead home in on what they perceive to be your 'weaknesses'. If you are a little chubby they may directly sneer at your 'weight problem' or, more insidiously, make frequent snide indirect comments about the dangers of obesity. Your old wreck of a car may be the subject of patronising remarks, with laughter barely repressed on their smirking faces. Or perhaps they emit a continual stream of boasts (usually completely irrelevant to any conversation) about their advanced degrees, accompanied by a pitying commiseration about your lack of suitable qualifications?

If you're quick on your feet there's usually an appropriate response to these attacks too, which will rob toxic people of their pleasure in their own nastiness. 'Oh, I often think about going on a diet... but my husband just loves my shape exactly the way it is. I forget now, just how long is it since you got divorced, Sheila? I guess you don't need curves with no-one to appreciate them...'

Or perhaps, 'Yes, that old beater of a motor of mine is just embarrassing! But it's worth it: we've made so many economies these past couple of years that we've paid down our debt, our mortgage is nearly paid off and we've really started to stash money away in our retirement funds. Oh by the way, Jeff said your credit card company called earlier looking for you. Something about missed payments?'

And of course, 'Well, sometimes I used to regret not finishing college or getting vocational qualifications early on. But I like to think I've put so much personal study and on-the-job learning in, I could pretty much run this place single-handed. By the way, do you want some help installing and setting up that new software program we're all supposed to be using? Ben said you were having some trouble with it yesterday. I was surprised, considering your I.T. qualifications...'

3 GO OUT AND WIN
Of course you can always use the continual irritation and aggravation of the attacks of a toxic person, as an incentive to go on and achieve your goals. This results in two great things: one, it turns a negative into a positive by using the energy of anger to achieve your goals, and two, it annoys the heck out of your toxic person! Of course, if what you achieve is likely to be something they are envious and resentful of, then so much the better...

4 BUILD YOUR NETWORK
Does your toxic person thrive on secrecy? Do they fondly imagine that everyone likes them, that no-one knows of their nasty barbs and backstabbing? That delusion may cease to comfort them if you are careful to maintain a friendly and pleasant demeanour with everyone (else) you come into contact with, cultivating good relationships both professional and personal. There's no-one more paranoid than a toxic type: as they see you exchange a friendly joke with Sheila in accounts across the room, in their imaginings you're reporting back their latest atrocity to a shrewd and well-placed ally. Let them imagine freely! Don't let this person make you sullen and hangdog with their nastiness: make the world your pal (and possibly, yes, should it be required, your ally).

5 WORK ON YOUR FINANCIAL SECURITY
You can take that to mean many things - upgrading your skills to ensure your employability in your industry, investing to improve your net worth, starting a side business or paying down debt. But if your toxic person inhabits the professional area of your life - and is truly toxic - then doing any or all of these things will give you increased psychological as well as financial security. And they will have much less leverage and less power to play with, in their attempts to make you the victim of their mind games. Let them play: you can step back and laugh quietly at their paltry behaviour.

6 STOP CARING
As far as toxic people in our personal (and sometimes professional) lives are concerned, sometimes the only reason we stick around to take the beating is because we care. About them, about their opinion of us, about an idea we have about the people they and we used to be and how our relationships could be 'fixed'. Newsflash: it takes two to fix a broken connection between human beings. If they're only willing to continue to interact with you via barbs, bullying and constant put-downs, then there's one answer. Stop caring. You don't necessarily need to cut them out of your life: just remind yourself frequently that the opinion of someone who is actively pleased to see you fail, is not the opinion of anyone who matters. They only get their payoff if they manage to upset you: the less you care, the more you win.

Just a few ideas for you: ways to take the power back and render the King or Queen of Toxic in your life as little and pitiable as they truly are. You don't have to hate them, you don't have to go on the counter-attack - but you don't have to let them get to you either. Take back the power!