6 Ways to Be a Clingy, Needy Blob in a Relationship

This article is a learning tool for women and men alike. I think we can all learn to be needy, insecure and generally upset if the temperature dips below 75 degrees. It's easy, fulfilling and fun.

I completely advocate this! I'm not saying quit your job or see if Madonna or Angelina Jolie will come adopt your kids, but I am saying take a load off, sister! Push your problems off onto some else... make them care... Nay... consume them with your burdens!

Follow these instructions as best as you can, and in no time, you'll be a big needy so and so.

Step 1: Don't do anything with your hair. Roll out of bed and walk right past any makeup/fragrance/product you would normally slather all over your body. Run from them, if you can. If for some reason you wake up with perfect movie hair, do all you can to make it look like you're the Bride of Frankenstein. If you look in the mirror and are pleased with your hair, make sure you need to pluck or cover up something on your face, and then disregard it. Do not get out of your nightclothes. Taking just a little extra time to ignore your appearance will pave the way to a fabulous day of feeling like the ugliest thing on the face of the planet. You have you make sure you run into a significant other, friend who happens to be in your home, or even a kid and ask them if you look fat, old, etc. Push this to the limit and if someone misses a beat on, "No, you look great!" get teary eyed and just walk away.

Step 2: Skip breakfast, but eat something bad for you. Having something good to eat in the morning will just ruin your day of feeling needy and helpless. Eat any garbage you can find, and at all costs, stay away from orange juice, milk and water. Anything that may give you energy, fortify your bones with calcium or clear your system is a big no-no. Something covered in powdered cheese and loaded with simple sugars is the way to go. This is not a normal morning meal, so you may have to repeat this "meal" about a half hour later. Complain about how your stomach hurts and you hope it isn't something serious, because dying would just be the icing on the cake.

Step 3: Complain about any messes that may be around, but don't touch them. Kick toys out of the way or shuffle dishes around loudly. Make a big deal about how disgusting the refrigerator is or how badly the lawn needs mowed. Talk a lot (in a whiney tone) about how much crap you have to do today and how unfair it is that everything is always on you. Be sure to give someone, anyone, in the room a dirty look as you list off all your responsibilities.

Step 4: Turn on the TV and just sit there, only moving to nudge at the remote control to change from one court show to another. Express your disgust for the people you see on daytime TV (with the exception of the Soap Opera in the early afternoon) all while sitting in a pile of tortilla chip crumbs and empty soda cans. If people are still around, ask why they're just sitting around all day. Ask them if they haven't anything better to do. If they're dumb enough to sass back at you, fly into hysterics and repeatedly apologize for being such a huge screw up. Get them to the point of apologizing more sincerely than you are.

Step 5: Now that you've sat around all day, the sun has gone down. You realize this because someone has come into the living room where you've contributed to a massive dent in the couch cushion and turned on a light. You usher some potato chip bags onto the floor and hoist yourself up to a semi-seated position and exclaim, "Where has the day gone?" Huff and puff and make a big scene while the unfortunate soul who turned the light on stands there, bewildered, scared and half ready to run. Tell anyone in earshot of your yelling that today was a utterly wasted day and you had so much you were going to do. This is another situation to completely get someone to feel sorry for you just so you can turn it around and make them feel like garbage.

Step 6: Skip the shower and go straight to bed. Take your time hobbling to your room, as your legs are going to be very tired from all that cushioned elevation for the past 14 hours. Complain about your back hurting from sitting too long, your eyes feeling strained from all the television, and the burning indigestion from all the pizza rolls. Flop down into bed, completely ignoring your significant other, who is gingerly sliding under the sheets, trying not to make a sound, and remain silent for all of 15 seconds before you burst into a sad tirade about how the mattress should really be flipped and how you can't do it by yourself. Keep on complaining until the person who, by the goodness of his very soul is still in the same house with you, responds.

It can be anything, as long as you can criticize it and then work up some tears.

This of course, is open to interpretation and you will find there are many ways to be needy and overly disagreeable. It's so easy to make yourself and others feel like complete incompetents with little to no effort! What are you doing even reading this still? Time is Cheetos, so get going!