7 Signs that You May Be an Emotionally Needy Parent

As a parent, you probably would never in a million years describe yourself as "needy." The idea that your child may feel mentally or emotionally drained while trying to appease you might sound downright absurd. However, emotionally needy parents do exist, and they often place unrealistic expectations on their children - regardless of the children's ages.

The strain of trying to care for or please a parent to the detriment of everything else can really take its toll. So how can you tell if you are an emotionally needy parent? The following are 7 signs that you may very well fit the bill.

Sign #1: You live life vicariously through your child.

If you are a needy parent, you may be trying to fix what is broken in your own life by living through your child. When your child accomplishes something, you view it as your own accomplishment. And when they fail, you find it hard to be their support system because you take their failure to heart. More than likely, no matter what your child does, it will never be enough to satisfy you, which can lead the child to have low self-esteem and develop perfectionistic tendencies. They may also end up imposing unrealistic expectations on their own children, thus perpetuating a negative pattern of behavior that trickles down through the generations.

Sign #2: You find it hard to enjoy time spent without your child.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the company of your child and missing that child when he or she is not around. An emotionally needy parent, however, can find no joy in the absence of their child. You may feel a tremendous void whenever your child is not present and may possibly even sink into a deep depression. You may also find it hard to genuinely enjoy the company of friends or a spouse because you are fixated on your child.

Sign #3: You sabotage your child's relationships with other people.

This can happen regardless of your child's age. If your child is a minor, you may have a problem with anyone they form close attachments to other than you. This could include your spouse, a stepparent, your child's friends or even your child's favorite teacher. And if your child is an adult, you may have a particular problem embracing their significant other - even if that person shows you nothing but the utmost respect. If this sounds like you, you may be an emotionally needy parent.

Sign #4: You expect your child to take care of you physically, emotionally or financially.

You may have major health issues or be experiencing a financial hardship. Particularly if you are older and your child is an adult, he or she may be assuming responsibility for you physically and/or financially by choice. However, if you are a needy parent, you will expect your child to make every sacrifice imaginable to care for you. You may send them on a guilt trip for occasionally wanting to pursue their own personal or professional interests (even if they are doing a perfectly fine job of caring for you), or for taking some time for themselves when they feel their stress level escalating. If you accuse your child of being selfish just because they cannot meet all of your demands, you are being a needy parent.

Sign #5: You have a needy child whose manipulation you equate with love.

If you are an emotionally needy parent and have multiple children, your 'favorite' child (this is the child whom you believe you have the closest relationship with) is the one who is constantly up under you. This child may even become the one who manipulates you into doing things for them that you do not do for your other children. As this child gives you more and more attention, you equate this with love, which only subjects you to further manipulation.

Sign #6: You pick fights with your children just to get attention.

An emotionally needy parent usually causes quite a bit of drama in their child's life - especially if that child is an adult child. If you are needy, you may pick fights with your child over the most trivial things, such as the fact that you could not reach him or her by phone the last time you called, or the fact that you didn't like the birthday or Christmas gift that they gave you. If your child indicates that an argument ensues each time the two of you communicate, it is important to assess the role you may be playing in creating this conflict.

Sign #7: You feign mental or physical illness just to get attention from your child.

This is different from the parent who has a real mental or physical illness; if you are a needy parent, you may complain of undiagnosed illnesses just so that your child will cancel all of his or her plans to be by your side. You come down with debilitating aches and pains right before your child is getting ready to go out with friends or leave town on vacation. You complain that you are ill and "may not be around much longer" when your child does not check on you for a few days.

Your Child Deserves a Life Too!

Your child deserves a life too - one that includes but does not necessarily revolve around you. Your child should be able to establish a personal identity that is not based on what will be pleasing to Mom or Dad. He or she should also be able to love you without constantly having to "prove" their love. This does not mean that you should endorse the behavior of a self-centered child who demonstrates no regard for family and perpetually relegates you to the bottom of their priority list. Most of us know of at least one adult child, for example, who has placed a sick, elderly parent in a nursing home and rarely or never returned to see about that parent.

However, if your child spends time with you and expresses love for you, but is assertive in establishing healthy boundaries between the two of you, it's best not to take this personal. Depending on your child's age, the cutting of the apron strings may be long overdue!