7 Steps Toward an Easier Divorce

With over 40% of United States marriages ending in divorce[1], many divorcees have found themselves looking for a panacea for their marital woes. Divorce support groups have sprung up across the nation offering counseling services for the soon-to-be-separated, while others have sought to capitalize on the divorcee-niche, selling ex-husband voodoo dolls and promoting "divorce parties" that resemble (ironically enough) bachelorette bashes[2].

While divorce has lost much of its taboo status in recent years, these celebrations of singlehood are often still just a brief respite from the reality of a huge life change.

So before you plan the party, what can you do to smooth out your divorce?

(1) Keep kids out of the fray.
Divorce is a hard time for you and your spouse, but it can be even more difficult for your children. Try to maintain a positive attitude around your kids, and make sure that your divorce isn't the sole focus of your relationship. Similarly, don't give in to the temptation to harp on your spouse's flaws-it can put your children in a very uncomfortable position at a time when they need loving support from both parents. If your children are curious about the divorce, be open with them and answer their questions honestly. They are participants in the process as well, and they will appreciate your openness.

(2) Consider compromise.
When dividing assets or negotiating child custody and visitation, it is almost inevitable that conflict will arise between spouses. Become the bigger person by being the first to suggest a compromise. Although it may be difficult to concede anything to your spouse, especially if your divorce was inspired by infidelity or abuse, a willingness to bargain will save you time, money, and a lot of stress. That said, don't succumb to every demand that your spouse makes. Consider your options and choose your battles wisely.

(3) Put major changes on hold.
Taking a new job, adopting a child, or moving into a new house can all be positive experiences, but during a divorce, these kinds of major life changes can make things extremely complicated. Not only will change contribute to your stress level (even positive changes create stress!), but you may have to renegotiate various parts of your divorce agreement because of it. Unless a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity comes your way, it may be best to put those transitions on hold. You'll have the rest of your life to take care of them.

(4) Don't turn your spouse into a scapegoat.
You're getting divorced and (more likely than not) it's because you're not getting along very well with your spouse! But as tempting as it may be, you should try to avoid blaming everything on your soon-to-be-ex. Both of you made the choice to get married, and both of you contributed to that marriage. Recognizing your participation in the end of the marriage will help you both to build better relationships in the future and to get through your divorce negotiations without exhaustive arguing over who is "guilty." Accept that your marriage is ending, and realize that your spouse is in the same position that you are.

(5) Seek out support.
Support can come in many forms, whether it be intimate conversation with close friends, a local divorce support group, or even a one-on-one session with an experienced psychologist. If you are a private person, it can be especially hard to find an outlet for your stress and emotions during this time, but opening yourself to support and love from the people around you is an important part of the recovery process. If sharing your experiences in person is an absolute "no," you can benefit instead from therapeutic writing-a technique that has been proven to help sufferers of depression, stress, and anxiety.

(6) Keep a lawyer on deck.
Even if you're filing an uncontested divorce, it's always a good idea to have an attorney at hand. But how do you find one that will work well with you and your case? For those of us who don't have a family lawyer on hand, finding dependable legal help can be a nightmare. Happily, the advent of online legal matching services has eliminated what used to be hours of yellow-page browsing and phone calls. Free services like LegalMatch allow you to submit your case and select from a bevy of pre-screened attorneys, many of whom offer free consultations to new clients. For a more traditional lawyer look-up, you can also consult your state's Bar Association for a referral.

(7) Be an active communicator.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your divorce is to keep your lines of communication open. Talk to your spouse, talk to your lawyer, talk to your spouse's attorney, and talk to your children. The more you are able to clarify and decide upon early in the divorce process, the more time and grief you'll save yourself later on. Even though speaking with your spouse may be the last thing on your list of "Things That Make Me Happy," knowing the details of your dissolution is vital. Don't make the mistake of assuming that something is clear. Make it clear. You'll thank yourself when everything is said and done.