7 Stupid Things for a Stay-at-Home Dad to Even Think About

I am among the chosen few. Those stay at home dads that take care of the children, the laundry, dishes, meals and general household cleaning. I tend to the needs of my two twelve year old boys and chase my little three-year-old daughter around the house until I am out of breath. I make sure the kids are fed, washed and put to bed at a decent hour. I am "Super Papa".

Okay, only on weekends, (I did not realize that I was reading this out loud with my wife sitting in the same room).

Seriously though, I do work third shift hours during the week. My wife, however, works Saturday through Monday, twelve or more hours per day and, during the week, she is either at school or studying in attempts to be accepted into nursing school. Therefore, unless my wife is on vacation from classes, the weekly workload is mine for two days.

I can now say that I am able to clean this house, cook three meals per day, mind the laundry and take care of three children while keeping up with my writing hobby and maintaining a workout regimen. I know how to scrub bathroom appliances and I can improvise a tasty, healthy meal in the event that I am lacking of certain ingredients that are required of my cookbook.

However, these homemaker talents did not spring up overnight. Much like everything else, I had to learn what I know by trial and error. There have been many, frustrating times when I have ruined meals. On too many occasions, during housecleaning, I discovered that I finished up my job leaving more of a mess than what was there before I started.

It just takes time and the learning experience, for me, is not done.

What seemed to help me through my wife-less weekends was not so much keeping in mind what I should or should not do, but using self-sarcasm in regards to what things I had done wrong in the past.

I "There's no time for sorting clothes. Just throw them in the damn washing machine."

When you fail to sort and separate the family laundry, you are putting yourself in danger of not only ruining yours and everyone else's garments, but also of spending several days and nights of ridicule from your wife. Mind you that this "husband bashing", often times, will occur when there is company in the house and when you are out for dinner with friends. Expect to be reminded of your laundry error often, especially when you are out shopping with your wife and you try to explain to her that the pretty dress she is looking at is much too expensive.

II "When the wife gets home, I'll get her to give the baby a bath."

When your better half gets home from work, (especially if her weekend job is a physically demanding one), you could possibly be risking your very life if you ask her to do something that could have - SHOULD HAVE - been done hours ago.

If you actually have the nerve to ask your significant other to bathe the baby, take out the garbage, bring in the mail, or any other act that could be labeled as a chore, then you should, within hours, expect to be the target of any projected object that she can get her hands on.

III "I know its 9PM, but a little candy won't kill the kid."

No, a little bit of sugary candy will not kill the child. However, if you do not want to be awake until three o'clock in the morning, cleaning vomit from the child's bed and carpeted floor, then you should refrain from passing out sweets as a before bed snack. Even if your child is not prone to sickness from ingesting candy right before bedtime, the chances against you getting adequate slumber is still great.

IV "Good! I have time to watch the ballgame at four o'clock!"

Oh, you may have the time to watch your precious sporting event but, if you have one or more children between two and eighteen years old, you should know by now that you do not have the right to watch the ballgame. Remember that you gave up any and all television viewing privileges on the day that your sweet little bundle of joy was placed into your hands.

V "Hot dogs, two nights in a row, will be okay."

Oh, you poor man, no they are not! For goodness sake, cook something! Throw something together with your imagination and hands. It may not taste like gourmet cooking but she will appreciate the effort you put into the meal.

Really...would you look forward to coming home from work to processed animal organs two nights in a row?

VI "I cannot wait to show her what all I've done today."

Guess what? She is going to be too tired to care what all you have done. Just consider the clean, folded laundry and the vacuumed, dust free house as a part of your normal, humdrum life that should not need to be bragged upon. It is best to let her notice how busy you have been without having the deeds pointed out to her.

VII "Wonder if she will want to 'play' when she gets home?"

Sir, do not get your hopes, (or anything else), up.

Your better half has put in a long, hard day and has returned to a horrible meal of hot dogs; a wired child that refuses to sleep; and, a house cleaning that can be seen, at best, to be mediocre. Do you really believe that this poor, young woman is going to want anything to do with you tonight?

Remember, housekeeping takes time and practice. There will be times when you succeed and then days will come that you fail miserably. Just hang in there and remember that just making an effort will be appreciated.