7 Things You Should NOT Do If Your Child Discloses Sexual Abuse

There is nothing more terrifying to a parent than to learn that your child has been sexually abused. Unfortunately, statistics tell us that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach the age of 18. If you find yourself in a situation where your child reports abuse or you suspect abuse, there are some things that you should definitely NOT do.

1) DON'T panic. This may seem like an unreasonable request. You will be flooded with emotions and may have difficulty containing them. However, your initial reaction will create a lasting impression upon your child. Very young children may not even know the full magnitude of what they are telling you and your reaction will color their perception of the event and also themselves. Intense anger can be very scary to a young child and they often misinterpret it as being directed at them. Do what you need to do to process your feelings about the disclosure, but do not do it in front of the child.

2) DON'T ask specific questions. You can ask your child if she is okay. You can ask her to tell you who was involved and where it happened if they do not disclose that information initially. But as hard as it will be, you must refrain from asking any probing questions in order to elicit details. There are two reasons why this is prudent. First of all, young children can be highly suggestible. The very nature of your question can alter their answer. You could unknowingly be leading them to state facts that are simply not true just by the content of your question. Secondly, if there is to be a criminal investigation, you want it to be as "clean" as possible. The fewer interviews the child has to endure, the more consistent and more comprehensive her statement will be. Professionals are trained in how to ask questions so that they do not lead the witness into making an inconsistent and thereby inadmissible statement. You want the person who did this to your child to receive the maximum punishment possible. Don't create a defense by weakening your child's statement. Prosecuting perpetrators is very difficult. The authorities will need all the help they can get.

3) DON'T keep it a secret. Sexual abuse thrives on secrecy. It is its lifeblood. Do not tell your child to keep it a secret. Telling her to keep it a secret sends the message that she did something bad (young children often see themselves as complicit in a sexual abuse incident, particularly non-violent abuse). Secondly, teaching her that it is okay to keep secrets is exactly the type of groundwork that perpetrators hope you will lay - it makes your child an easier target. Praise her for telling you and contact the authorities (police or child welfare) immediately.

4) DON'T contact the perpetrator yourself. You may want to contact the alleged perpetrator and give him or her a piece of your mind (or fist). Again, this would be a huge mistake. You do not want to help him. He needs to be caught off guard. Giving him time to prepare a response is not a luxury you want to extend. Leave the contact to the authorities.

5) DON'T allow your child to have any unsupervised contact with the suspected perpetrator. This can be complicated in situations where the perpetrator lives in the home with you. But do whatever it takes to safeguard your child. Sleep on the floor of her room or go to a hotel. There is nothing too extreme that you can do to keep her safe. Assure your child that the lack of contact with the suspected perpetrator is not a punishment for telling. Calmly explain that what happened to her was not safe and that your job is to keep her safe.

6) DON'T minimize or explain away your child's disclosure. Studies have found that children whose parents believe them from the very beginning have the most favorable outcome from treatment. She needs to know that you believe her and that you are going to do whatever you can to protect her. If you do this, your child will have a much better chance of coming through the other side of this tragedy with her sense of self in tact.

7) DON'T wait to get treatment. Get your child into treatment with a licensed professional therapist who is trained in both evaluations and treatment as soon as possible. Your child will likely need an evaluation and treatment and the fewer transitions she has to endure the better.

Following these guidelines upon disclosure of sexual abuse will ensure that you are doing everything within your power to punish the person who did this. But more importantly, you will be providing the support and safety your child so desperately needs.