8 Cardinal Rules for Cooking Bacon

As a lifelong lover of bacon, I have become an expert at frying it up right. In fact, I am cooking some right now. I also learned that there are many people in this world who never learned to cook bacon. Sad. So, I am offering you my Eight Cardinal Rules of Bacon so you too can enjoy the satisfaction of cooking (and eating) your very own bacon.

Rule #1: Never freeze bacon.
We all know that water expands when frozen. Well, bacon is full of water, and when it freezes, it expands with tiny, razorlike crystals that cut bacon's delicious cells into tiny pieces. After that, the bacon is scarred for life. It just doesn't taste right, and it doesn't cook right.

Rule #2: Never re-use bacon grease.
There are many surefire ways to get on bacon's bad side, and this is one of them. The longer bacon grease is heated, the more it breaks down. As it breaks down, it actually becomes hotter and hotter. Putting fresh, cold bacon into hot, brown bacon grease not only almost instantly burns the bacon, it makes it taste really gross. (Refer to Rule #6 on why this is so).

Rule #3: Always cook bacon on low heat.
Bacon is like a pale redhead at the beach. It burns easily. Many folks make the mistake of trying to hurry-up the bacon by upping the heat. Bad idea! Bacon will become very angry and turn black if you try to rush it. Instead, keep it on very low heat, just slightly above the lowest setting on your stove.

Rule #4: Never stack slices.
Bacon is an individual. Thus, it does not like being lumped into a group with other bacon. If you stack slices in an attempt to fit more in your skillet, you will end up with bacon that is burned on one side, and undercooked on the other.

Rule #5: Remove bacon from the heat just before it becomes crispy.
Bacon has an amazing ability to continue cooking after it is removed from the skillet. Therefore you must remove the bacon just before it becomes crispy in the skillet. Otherwise, you will be milliseconds away from burning it. Remember, bacon burns at light speed.

Rule #6: Never grease the skillet.
Bacon really is the Swiss Army Knife of meat. It not only comes with delicious flavor, tasty fat, and protein, but it even brings its own lubricant. Do not make the mistake of offending bacon by introducing some third-party grease or oil into the skillet. Bacon shines when its allowed to flood your skillet with its own natural grease.

Rule #7: Keep bacon flat
Don't be fooled by bacon's cool demeanor and nonchalant attitude. Bacon really is a square. It likes to be laid flat in the skillet, not curled up or folded over. How would you like to go to the beach and lay out in the sun all twisted up? That's what I thought. You'd look like marble. Bacon ain't steak. You don't want marbley bacon.

Rule #8: You can never flip bacon too often.
Don't believe those who tell you that bacon is just meat. Bacon loves to be coddled and touched. If you fail to flip bacon frequently enough, it will burn, and you will be very unhappy. Bacon should never be left unattended, not even for a minute. Many millions of pounds of perfectly good bacon have been lost because some ignorant bacon-cooker went off and left the skillet for "just a minute." Don't do it.