8 Sure-Fire Ways to Make New Friends

Most of us have no trouble defining what we consider a true friend to be. A true friend is someone we enjoy spending time with, and who enjoys spending time with us. True friends are there when you really need them, but they don't try to take over our lives. True friends aren't jealous of our relationships with others, and would never criticize us or carry tales behind our backs. A true friend realizes we aren't perfect, and is willing to listen to us rant and rave for hours on end, even when he or she disagrees with us, and always tells us that we look great, even when we know we don't.

Sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? And it is. True friendship is a mutual thing. Usually you get out of a friendship just what you are willing to put into it, and all too often, we aren't willing to put in nearly enough.

If your list of friends is kind of skimpy right now, maybe it's time to bone up on some things that will help turn you into a better friend prospect yourself and, if you do, it's my guess that your friend list will be expanding in a very short time. Here are some tips to get you started.

1. Be available to new friends but not possessive of them

Friendships don't usually happen when you are glued to your computer screen inside your house. If you want to make friends, put yourself out where the people are. Try special interest clubs, church activities, sports, swimming, or walking your dog in the park. Seemingly accidental conversations often lead to lasting friendships.

Once you do get acquainted, be careful to save time for your new friend-even if you have to agree mutually on a time and place to meet with each other once a week, or once a month, etc. If you are already committed to something else each time your new friend calls, the friendship will quickly fizzle and disappear.

On the other hand, don't be the kind of person who takes over a friend's whole life. Limit phone calls. It's fine to call a friend if you have something special you want to share with him or her, but calling just to chat for an hour every day wears thin in a very short time.

If you find that your new friend also spends a lot of time with other friends, don't work out schemes to get that friend to spend more time with you and less with other people or you may be dropped completely for being too possessive or clingy.

It is only natural for people to spend time with one person because they enjoy doing certain things together and with a totally different type of person because they enjoy doing different kinds of things with them.

2. Keep learning stuff that will make you an interesting friend

Nothing kills a budding friendship like finding that the person you are trying to make friends with has no interests, knows nothing about anything, and doesn't really care about any subject you decide to talk about.

Develop a few interests you can share with potential friends. Keep up on current events by reading newspapers. If a new friend mentions something that interests him or her, do a little research on the subject and be ready to discuss it the next time you meet. Some people like to brag that they really don't have much in common with their best friends. I find this kind of hard to believe, because most friendships begin and stay welded together because of things shared in common.

3. Show real interest in other people

It isn't enough to say, "How are you?" and then jump in to share the news about your daughter's latest report card or your plans for a vacation. Show that you care about their life by remembering something they have told you in the past. "How are you? Is your leg still giving you a problem?" Or "Hi, how did your job interview go?" are comments much more likely to help you "win friends and influence people." than self-centered ones. (See link for Dale Carnegie's great book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I highly recommend and have included with this article.)

4. Don't monopolize your conversations

Several times lately, my husband and I have been seated next to conversation "hogs" when we dine out. These people talk non-stop from the time we come in until we head for the counter to pay our bill, and we have to wonder when they manage to eat their food. The other party occasionally mumbles or nods, but any attempt at conversation on their part is overridden by the talker.

Of course you want to share what you have been doing with your friend, especially if you haven't seen them for a while, but if you are doing more than half the talking, it's time to do a little more listening--or maybe a lot more.

5. Make lasting memories with your friends

Just meeting for coffee and rehashing the problems of the world (which, incidentally don't change an awful lot) gets old quickly. Do something different once a month or so.

I once had a friend who was depressed over some family problems so I picked her up and took her to a kids' game place where I bought her a handful of tickets for a game where little gophers pop up out of the ground and you use a hefty wooden mallet to smack them back down. I told her that each gopher that popped up was one of her problems, and she needed to give them each a few good whacks. She whacked and smacked those gophers until we were both practically rolling on the floor laughing. (Picture it in your mind. Two middle-aged ladies behaving like 6-year-olds.) Her problems didn't disappear that afternoon, but her spirits soared, and even now, several years later, she often reminds me of how much fun we had that day.

You don't necessarily have to whack gophers with your friends, but maybe you could visit a zoo, go ice skating, rent a horse for a horseback ride, or try your hand at miniature golf.

6. Respond willingly to emergencies

You may think this goes without saying, but it doesn't. Many people have been brought up with the idea that they should never inconvenience anyone, and how will they know that it's perfectly acceptable to call you for emergencies unless you tell them?

Make a point of mentioning this early in any friendship and define "emergency" so that there will be no misunderstandings later. Expecting you to baby sit 4 kids every time they have to run an errand doesn't qualify as an emergency in my book. Calling me to watch them while they make a 3 a.m. emergency visit to the hospital is, and should be, an emergency in everyone's book.

Make sure that you don't take advantage of a friend by using them either. It doesn't make for lasting friendships.

7. Don't talk about friends behind their backs

You would be livid if you knew that someone was telling other people something that you had shared with him or her in confidence, so don't be guilty of doing the same thing. Learning to control our tongues is one of the most difficult lessons most of us ever have to learn, but it is necessary if you don't want your friends to abandon you like rats deserting a sinking ship. Gossip is usually ugly.

8. Try to revive old friendships

Friendships end for many reasons. Arguments, changing locations, or just drifting apart are the usual causes. Do you miss a good friendship that seems to have faded over the years? If there was no good reason for it to end, why not pick up the phone and make an attempt to restore it? Who knows? It may be more lasting the second time around, and even if your attempt fails, it hasn't cost you much to try.

There are my suggestions to help you put some new friends on your friendship list. Now it's up to you to get busy and see if you can make them work.