9 Out of 10 People Can't Be Right!

Okay. Summer's over. Time to start getting ready for Christmas.

Or X-mas, or Winter Solstice, or whatever we're allowed to call it this year.

Already, at the grocery, they're piping in holiday tunes, timeless standards like "I'm Dreaming of a Melanin-Challenged Christmas," "Rudolph, the Mishandled-Socialist-Experiment-Nosed Ecologically-Threatened Forest Denizen" and "O Come, All Ye Randomly-Generated Human Lifeforms."

According to a recent poll, 96% of us believe in God. So, nearly 1 in 10 don't. This means that if you're at the grocery checkout, odds are that somebody in line thinks the Universe just popped up on some ancient Tuesday. Just popped up, from nothing.

By the way, this 'somebody' is easy to spot. It's the guy buying four cans of potted meat, a packet of machine screws, a box of Saltines, a battery, Oreos, six liters of mayonnaise and a light bulb.

But polls aside, some people still don't believe that believers believe what they believe. Meanwhile, atheists have just won the right to purchase advertising space on public buses. To advertise what? How do you advertise "nothing?" How's this:

You're just a cosmic error. Brought to you by We 'R' Us. Call 1-800 D-I-E A-L-O-N-E

Just close your eyes, click your heels together three times, and say, "There's no place!"

Atheism. Because who needs hope, love and eternal life?

Do polls confirm what we believe, or disclose what we want? What would have happened if Moses had taken a poll?

"Nation of Israel, behold the Ten Commandments! Okay, Ten Suggestions. Okay, let's vote."

"Sir?"

"Yes, B'ob?"

"About that whole 'covet' thing? Shirley al-Khansent and I probably ought to sit that one out."

So it's once again time to get busy on that holiday shopping list. But this year, it's going to be tough, shopping for friends and family, since Uncle Fed already gave everybody new cars, new appliances, free health care, and economy-stimulating walking trails. Hopefully, one of those handy walking trails is slated to span the US/Mexico border, so all those undocumented randomly-generated human lifeforms can more quickly get in line for their new cars and free health care.

Thankfully, though, we've managed to sneak a peek at some "Letters to Santa" from various public figures, to help you pick out some thoughtful gifts:

Green Czar Van Jones, who isn't even green, asks Santa for a "History of Electronic Media" coloring book. For decades, apparently, Mr. Jones never noticed that people actually keep videotape, and can replay it on TV at the most inconvenient times.

Nancy Pelosi isn't green, either, though she usually sports the pained expression of someone who just ate something not quite ripe. She asks Santa to replace her worn-out "My First Gerrymandering Kit."

President Obama refuses to be limited to a list. If it popped up in the Universe on that primordial Tuesday, he wants it. So do the patriotic thing. Send him your stocking.

Arlen Specter has two stockings this year, and expects Santa to fill 'em both.

Sarah Palin has no gift requests, but threatens to dope-slap anybody else who mentions her stockings.

MSNBC asks Santa for one more viewer, so they'll have two.

Charlie Rangel, who was so busy writing laws to make us pay our taxes that he 'forgot' to pay his own, already got his present this year. The IRS, that universal icon of sympathy and forgiveness, charged him no interest or penalties. None. Nothing. "Oh, it's okay, Charlie. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh? No big deal. Ha ha ha."

Hmmm. No penalties? Now that sounds like a miracle to me. Maybe there's some tru ...

Nah.

So say 'so long' to summer! Be of good cheer, evolutionary blobs of random matter!

And may you have a very Merry Ethno-Generic Fully Optional Deity-Nonspecific Seasonal Timespan!