9 Things to Remember when Mentoring Teenagers

The teenage years, with all of their hormonal imbalances and social whirlwinds, are a crucible for kids. I can safely say that I would never want to go through my teenage years again. Let's just say that zits, moodiness, and insecurity are just not my cup of tea.

Teenagers have hope, though, that their lives are not over tomorrow. Once they come out of their proverbial cave, they can emerge with their heads held high and their eyes wide to the possibilities of what is to come in their lives.

You can help them move toward that point with greater effect if you are purposeful about your relationships with them. Learning how to mentor teenagers is also fraught with frustration and confusion, especially for Christians. There are a number of things however that, when remembered and put into practice, can greatly improve your effectiveness and your positive input into their lives.

1. Your primary responsibility is to remember that you need to give out of a living well, not a stagnant pool.
Don't focus in on trying to change them first. Instead, make sure that you are where you need to be in every area of life, and that you are moving forward. Take care of yourself first so that they can see how an adult handles her own life.

A person can only give what she has. Remain a constant learner, and fill up your life with a full experience before trying to get a teenager to fill up his. Teenagers need to know that the adults in their lives know how to take care of themselves, because their observations are what will enable them to take care of themselves in the future.

Confidence is key here. If the teenagers you mentor don't believe that you are confident in what you are doing, or think that you don't know how to handle life, then the words of wisdom you have to impart to them will be lost in their lack of respect for you. Always be prepared to back up your words with your actions.

2. Don't push your agenda on them, let God pursue His own.
This is hard. We all think we know what is right, and we all really want the best for these teenagers. Before you press an issue, make sure that it is an issue that really needs to be pressed. Parents have the authority to really push their teenagers, mentors do not.

In a mentoring relationship, focus in on encouraging students to reach for a higher standard of behavior and growth, but avoid giving sets of absolutes and rules for living. Let them make decisions with their parents' guidance and sometimes yours, and hold them to the biblical blacks and whites. This way they will avoid confusing the hard issues that should be held tightly with the grey areas that should be held loosely.

3. Mentor out of your example, and be certain that your example is a model of Jesus.
Everyone knows the old adage "more is caught than taught." This is truer of teenagers than anything else. Remember the empty space that sat between your ears when you were a teenager, and instead look to show your students how to live rather than talk at them. More on this later in the article

4. Pray for those you mentor.
I can't say this strongly enough. God is the one who is working in the heart of your teenager, not you. Even parents have a limited amount of influence into exactly who their child will become in the future, and they spend hours with their child teenager every day.

Always remember that teenagers are people, and people have their own mixture of sin, thoughts, and free will that will factor into who they become in the future. Only God knows who these teenagers are becoming, and only God has the power to direct them one way or another. Trust God with their lives, and don't take the responsibility on yourself that belongs only to Him.

5. Allow time for those you mentor to reflect on what you have taught them.
They need time to process what is said, and that means they need time to think, alone. It is easy to expect a teenager to understand the things you have said right away, but it is hard for them to have actually grasped it.

Keep in mind that their brains are still in the developmental process of learning how to grasp abstract thoughts and evaluate consequences. You may be able to understand the things you are telling them immediately as an adult, but those teenagers must process your input much more slowly.

6. The truth is told at the thresholds.
What I mean is this: the teenager that you are mentoring will not tell you every day that you are doing a good job mentoring him, or that he finally understands what you were trying to get across to him two months ago, or even that he cares.

Don't be disappointed just because they don't seem to appreciate you all the time. The truth will come out at the thresholds: the times of change when he moves into a new stage of life, or when she has a significant life experience. Trust that you are doing the right thing in his life, and the teenagers you mentor will be the better off for it.

Be ready to celebrate the thresholds, also. These times of change when people move into a new life role can be overwhelming, and they will need you to communicate to them that what is coming is natural, expected, and ok. Your strength in the times of uncertainty will boost their confidence and help them to navigate change successfully.

7. Provide many options for the right action, and allow them to choose the one that fits the way they were uniquely created.
Let's face it: you don't know everything. You don't even know a tenth of everything. You will not always know what is best for the teenagers you mentor. You may think you do, but you don't, and both you and they will be better off once you realize that.

Remember, it is important that these kids are able to make their own decisions, because they won't always have you to make decisions for them. When you are encouraging your teenagers to pursue their decisions in the best way, your recognition that what works for you will not always work for those you mentor will go a long way toward helping your teenagers learn how to make decisions on their own.

Watch as they apply the things you are teaching them in their own ways to their lives. Teenagers are adaptable, and can use truths they are taught, when they actually learn them, in incredibly creative ways.

8. Balance criticism with praise, but never downplay sin.
I debated making these two points separately, but they are so intertwined that it is nearly impossible to separate them. It is easy to fall into a habit of always criticizing and pushing but not encouraging and praising them for what they do right.

Kids need to know when they succeed, and they won't always realize it on their own when it happens. Let them know when you approve, and celebrate with them when they show that they have learned from you or they have applied some good life lesson.

Be careful of praising them when they haven't actually done right however. They need you to stand up for what's right and to continue to push them toward what is good. Never condone sin.

9. Always take time for yourself to be alone, as it allows you to collect your thoughts and determine where to go next.
We lead busy lives, and adding a mentoring relationship on top of that can decimate the amount of time we have for our families and ourselves.

Put bluntly, it is not good for you to always have something to do and somewhere important to be. The world will not stop turning when you take time for yourself, and these kids will not fall apart completely. If they did fall apart, it would be evidence that you have not done your job. Teenagers need to learn to stand alone, not to depend on you for every decision.

You, on the other hand, need to make sure that your priorities make sense, and that the value system you communicate to your teenagers through your actions matches up with what you are telling them. Be filled with integrity in all things, and always be certain that you stand by what you say.