911 Calls from McDonald's Prove Darwin was Wrong About Natural Selection

In the 19th century, Charles Darwin laid out his theory of natural selection. Honestly, it wasn't really his theory. It was his grand-father's and was handed down three generations before Darwin could support it with observations made while globe-trotting on The Beagle. The theory of natural selection is that a species best adapted to its environment will be the species that survives. For example, if all the food in your neck of the woods is hanging high in the trees, those with good climbing skills or really long necks will be the evolutionary winners.

Darwin was wrong and I can prove it. My counter argument to Darwin's natural selection theory is called the Stupid Gene theory. Here is my supposition. If Darwin was right, all the stupid people (and stupid animals for that matter) would have died out long ago. The Stupid Gene would have culled itself from the human herd. However, there are plenty of stupid people still hanging around and not by nooses unfortunately. More appear everyday. Indeed, they are breeding. Though natural selection struggles valiantly to kill these idiots off (see also the Darwin Awards), it just can't do so quickly enough.

Take for example today's latest idiot, Latreasa L. Goodman of Ft. Pierce, Florida. She is not smart enough to realize that 911 is there to take reports of life-threatening emergencies and not for complaining that McDonald's screwed up her McNugget order. Ms. Goodman called 911 three times exclaiming each time that her McNuggets were an emergency. When the police arrived, naturally, they cited idiot Goodman with abusing the 911 system.

If due to Ms. Goodman's monopolization of the 911 center, some other poor, intelligent chap died of a heart attack, this would only be icing on my Stupid Gene theory cake. I have no proof that happened, but will dance on Darwin's grave just the same. To add evidence that the Stupid Gene theory is correct, Ms Goodman survived her encounter with stupidity with only a fine. If Darwin was correct, she should have encountered death by cop.

Ms. Goodman's 911 idiocy follows closely on Jean Fortune's foray into the annals of 911 lunacy. On 10 Feb 2009, Fortune called 911 to complain that a Boynton Beach Burger King was out of lemonade, his burger was taking too long, and the employees were rude (wptv.com story). Again, police bullets failed to penetrate Fortune's foil hat and he survived. Where was Darwin during these episodes of insipid behavior? Neither Darwin or his manager could be reached for comment.

Though stupidity has been with us since the dawn of time, natural selection just can't seem to rid us of it. Sure there is the individual culling now and then.

There was Og who said of the saber-toothed lion cub, "Oh, what cute kitty! Me pet kitty!" right before momma saber-tooth showed up from a long day of fruitless hunting.

There was Malachi who in 70 A.D. told the Centurion, "I'm not giving up this sweet condo so close to the temple mount. You're going to take it away? Yeah? You and what army?" Unbeknownst to Malachi, Captain Romulus just happened to have a couple of Roman legions finishing up their tea.

There was Jake "Bubba" McSweeny, Jr. of Cluttsville, Alabama who, after drinking more than half a case of beer, told his drinking buddies, "Hey! Bet me I can't jump over that BBQ pit on Little Bubba's tricycle." Like most Darwin Award recipients, Bubba's last words were, "Hold my dentures and watch this!"

Darwin's ineffectual stabbing at the Stupid Gene has failed to bleed it from the pool. The Stupid Gene continues to appear in every generation. It seems to be gaining momentum. The Stupid Gene is proving natural selection wrong at an ever-increasing rate. Darwin can keep his specialized bird beaks. Humanity has the Stupid Gene and isn't afraid to use it. If not to prove Darwin wrong, simply for our amusement.

Because there is a Jesus, you can hear Latreasa L. Goodman's stupid 911 calls here:
WPTV.com