A Baker's Dozen Rules of Holes

Everyone knows the first Rule of Holes: Once you realize you're in one, stop digging. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't know their backside from a hole in the ground and have no idea they're in a hole to start with or that there are 12 other Rules of Holes to live by.

2. Holes Happen! They can appear out of nowhere, full blown. One minute they're not there and the next thing you're in one, like when they sneak up on you at work when you're not looking, or when your spouse drops one over your head by surprise. A wise person always carries a ladder in his or her pocket or purse.

3. Holes come in a wide variety of types and sizes, all of which have the potential to cause you trouble. Sink holes, the Black Hole of Calcutta and the hole in the ozone come to mind. A hole in the water into which you pour money is called a boat. There also can be holes in your story; holes in your pocket; holes in your glass; holes in your résumé; holes in your memory; holes in your tax returns; holes in your canteen; holes in your shoes; holes in your tire; and holes in your soul. An ace in the hole can be a good thing if you've got it; Not so good if it's in your opponent's hand.

4. Sometimes holes can be your friend; for instance in a storm. But it's important to know what kind of storm is coming. In a tornado, holes are good; they are not so good in a flood.

5. Unplanned holes in any part of your body, from gunshots, ice picks, shark bites, electric hedge clippers or hand grenades, are the worst kinds of holes. Planned holes, like open heart surgery, tooth extractions or genital body piercing, don't seem much better.

6. Holes are only vertical. Horizontal holes are called tunnels; the light you see at the end of which is most likely a train bearing down on you. (Okay, so I stole that one.)

7. Holes only go down. Holes that go up are called piles; as in "that's a pile 'a s...!" The higher the pile you shovel, the more likely it is to fall on your head someday.

8. A series of interconnected holes is called a moat. Now you may think you're safe if you're inside one, but are you really the king of your realm or a self-imposed prisoner?

9. Bottomless holes are called pits, as in throwing good money into one. But "bottomless-ness" is a physical impossibility. The money just takes longer to get to there before it finally disappears.

10. People seem to love to build replacement holes. After they manage to climb out of addiction holes, bad relationship holes, depression holes or debt holes, they often dig themselves into another one just like it.

11. Regardless of all the Horatio Alger nonsense, no matter how hard you try, you can never build a hole starting at the bottom and working up.

12. If you notice a group of people holding shovels, whispering among themselves and glancing in your direction, it might be a good idea to politely excuse yourself and leave town.

13. The biggest hole of all is a black hole. There's one at the center of our Milky Way Galaxy which within several billions of years will suck the earth, sun and solar system into itself consuming all life as we know it. With that as perspective, don't you think that whatever your personal hole may be, it seems a little puny.