A Bar for Every Season in northern Monmouth County, NJ

I currently have the misfortune of living in northern Monmouth County, NJ. It has harsh winters, hot summers, a ton of beach traffic, and downright horrific property taxes.

It also has a plethora of tiny towns. My hometown is 1.42 square miles. While we have significantly more than 3 bars within that area, we lack a single good bar. Certainly, there aren't any places within the town limits that I'd heartily recommend to a bud looking for some Bud.

So, I'm forced to go outside of my own hometown. It's not exactly a terrible burden-after all, at 1.42 square miles you can't throw a cat without it landing in a neighboring town.

My picks exist across three different classes of bar: The Dive, The Popular Bar, and The Classy, High-End Joint.

The Dive

The majority of bars around me-and indeed, the majority of the bars I am around-are dives. If you're a fan of euphemisms you could call it lived in. Or, you could say that the bars are dimly lit, loud, crowded, have beat up pool tables, and are, most importantly, cheap.

The King of the Dives, reigning on a proverbial sawdust floor for a throne, is hands down Ted's Tavern. It's located on Highway 36 in Keansburg, between Main Street and Laurel Avenue.

Ted's Tavern is truly a place where everyone knows your name-and there's no Kristie Alley or Rhea Pearlman to put up with. There is a strong core of regular customers, bartenders who know said strong core, and reasonable prices on drafts, bottles, and shots. Admittedly, the draft selection is somewhat limited: the usual domestics, Yuengling, and a single imported stout or seasonal release. But this isn't the sort of bar where IPAs, Porters or Lambics would be appropriate.

Every fourth round (or third, or second, depending on the night) is free. On top of that, Ted's features "Recession Specials." These are classic, cheap beers such as PBR or Schaeffer's sold for $1 each. Also, certain nights have specials. Sundays have buckets of 3 Bud Lite bottles and a shot for $5, Wednesdays have free pool, Thursday nights have Power Hour (where every shot or drink in the bar is $1 for an hour that evening), and Friday is Ladies Night.

The Popular Bar

This is the sort of bar that I usually avoid for three reasons.

First, they tend to have extraordinarily loud or obnoxious music playing, courtesy of a DJ-so there is no hope of taking control of the juke box and putting on something other than nihilistic German techno-trance. Second, these places tend to be significantly more expensive than a dive while maintaining a harsh, oppressive atmosphere (see: nihilistic German techno-trance). And finally, I don't visit these bars because they're very crowded and the bartenders are in no hurry to refill my adult beverage.

Why should I go to some place where it takes two hours to go deaf and broke-buying only four rounds, mind-when there's a place like Ted's is a few traffic lights down?

For the specials, of course.

Park East, located at Highway 35 and Keyport-Holdmel Road, has one excellent night to its name. Tuesdays, from 5:00 pm until close, feature $1 drafts, $2 mixed drinks, $3 shots (with $2 shot specials turning up later in the evening), and $3 bar pies. To make it even better, from 5:00 pm until 8:00 pm or so, there isn't a DJ and the place isn't crowded-it's too early for trendy people to be out drinking.

There is also a poker night on Monday, and then the usual happy hour specials on Friday, along with a ladies night somewhere in there during the week-but those specials just aren't special; they should be called reasonables.

Park East also features a restaurant for lunch or dinner and a sushi bar. The prices on certain items such as burgers are comparable to your average TGI Friday or Chilis, while the price on Steaks or Seafood tends to push towards $30 a plate.

In all, Park East is appeals to me only on one night-but it's a great night. And, given its popularity, it is evidently one of the most desirable bars in my area. The restaurant and Sushi bar increase the range of appeal, as well.

The Classy, High-End Joint

The Classy, High-End Joint makes no apology. This kind of bar is classy, high end and expensive. However, this sort of bar is only marginally more expensive than The Popular Place, but it offers a vastly improved atmosphere.

My Classy Joint of choice is Ashes, located on Main Street in Red Bank, NJ. There are no frills about it-this place is entirely frills. It features a beautiful bar, stocked to the nines with imported beers and expensive scotch and brandy. There are private rooms with luxurious leather furniture. There's even a walk-in humidor and a cigar lounge upstairs. Of course, there are large HD flat screens to catch the game on-but they're not hanging from every wall, illuminating the entire bar in a blue-glow, like it's some Sports Dive. Again, the name of the game is class and Ashes oozes it.

Ashes also features fine dining for lunch and dinner, including its own Raw Bar. Food prices here are slightly higher than the prices at Park East-pushing into the $30 a plate range more often for dinner entrees. Lunch prices are mostly under $20, with many only slightly over $10.

In short: it has everything you need and then some. And then it's made fancier a few times over for good measure. Ashes lives up to the old adage of getting what you pay for.