A Battle of Wits

Elizabeth Darcy sat before the roaring fireplace. She needed its light more for reading than for heat. For the fourth time that day, she attempted to finish her letter from Mr. Darcy.

Dear Elizabeth,

Please acknowledge your receipt of this letter. I have recently acquired a bit of land, the income of which I have calculated will, when invested at interest annualized over a period of....

This was the point where she always stopped reading. But with hope, she would continue to skim down through the pages, past phrases like "fiduciary responsibility" and "potential risks" and "investment considerations." But always the letter concluded the same way: "And that is a faithful narrative of my business transactions for the day. Sincerely, Fitzwilliam Darcy."

She sighed. Even that first bitter letter he had written her, after she had rejected his proposal of marriage, had contained more sentiment than this! At least it had ended on a considerate note, with a kind "God bless you."

Again she began to read the letter, and this time she made it to the end of the second paragraph before muttering in frustration and tossing the missive across the room. It hit one of Mr. Darcy's happily sleeping dogs, which reacted to the disturbance by rising, bristling, and growling down at the fallen letter.

"Quiet, Ajax!" she ordered.

The dog fell silent and sniffed at the letter, brushing its folds open with his nose. When the print was revealed the animal whimpered pathetically, tucked its tail between its legs, and scampered from the room.

"You think so too?" Elizabeth called out after him. Ajax must have sought out his other mistress for consolation, because Elizabeth heard the pianoforte Georgiana had been playing suddenly stop, and the empty silence was occupied by a distant, friendly bark.

"Well," said Mrs. Darcy to no one in particular, "this must be redressed." She rose and walked over to her writing desk, where she sharpened a quill before dipping it into the ink and beginning her assault on the blank page before her.

Dear Fitzwilliam,

As requested, I am duly acknowledging receipt of your first communication. Although I make no claim to any grand skills of logical deduction, I am able to infer, based on the contents of your epistle, that you do not have a great deal of experience writing to women for whom you might entertain romantic sentiments.

That is all well and good, for if you did possess such experience, I would be forced to require a list of names, and I could not then be held responsible for any consequences that might ensue.

Nevertheless, your inexperience is no excuse for such a mundane communiqu©. I am sure the details of your business transactions are of the utmost interest to your dutiful steward, but in the event that you are not aware, let me inform you that I am your wife and that I am therefore entitled to a somewhat different treatment.

As your business will keep you from Pemberley for at least a fortnight, I insist that you furnish me with a love letter. I am not asking for the moonstruck wooings of an immature Romeo, but I am requesting some clear signs of affection and regard. I have complete confidence in you, Fitzwilliam, and I am sure you can produce such a letter. I even expect it will exceed a full page.

There is no need, however, for you to digress into idealistic ramblings. Do not think that I desire you to quote me poetry. I will hardly be impressed if you borrow another man's words, even Shakespeare's. If you would be so kind, please likewise refrain from hackneyed phrases and romantic comparisons between me and various (I'll omit the redundancy of sundry) objects.

How do I know that you are capable of rising to this occasion? Because I can say, with absolute sincerity, that you are the most intelligent man of my acquaintance (always excepting Mr. Collins, of course) as well as the most resolute (other than my dear brother Charles Bingley, who never yields to persuasion). With such qualities coupled together, how can you fail me?

Love,

Elizabeth

Want to see how Mr. Darcy replies? Read the entire exchange of letters in The Strange Marriage of Anne de Bourgh, which contains three works inspired by Pride and Prejudice:the title novelette, the entire epistlatory exchange excerpted here, and a short story.