A Bird in the Bush is Worth Two in the Zombie

I thought I might welcome the sun going down, despite the threat that darkness brings. The heat has been unbearable these past few days, but then that's to be expected - This is the Sunshine State, after all, and temps don't get any hotter than on a hazy summer day. Damn them.

You always think they're pretty much mindless. That's what the movies have you believe, anyhow. You know - the central nervous system's given up the ghost supposedly. No juice fueling the battery. No real thought processes, right?

Wrong.

I mean, maybe they don't sit down and plan out the complexities over a nice cup of tea and a freshly-baked scone, but it seems a little too convenient that Mister Joe-Schmoe Zombie took out our air conditioning system. There's nothing like being trapped in a big tin can, the summer sun beating down on it, and you've gone and boarded up every single crack and crevice. Every nook and cranny. Every... well, you get the picture. Keeping zombies at bay means blocking off any chance you might get of enjoying a breeze coming in off the Gulf.

No. They aren't mindless at all. They know how to plot and scheme. They know how to wait...

They've been waiting out there. Waiting for us. For how many days now? No clue... The movies would have you believe that we'd be more aware of the passing of time, you know? They would lead you to believe that we stared out the cracks in the boarded up windows and watched the sun die some awful cinematic death, knowing that they would come in hoards, just as soon as darkness fell. So cliche`.

Truth of the matter is that, when it really does come down to this? Everything just sort of... blends. Everything just grays out and washes together. If you're lucky enough to be able to catch a little sleep during the ordeal (or should I say 'pass out from exhaustion'), you wake up not knowing if you've been out 12 minutes or 12 hours. Time means nothing. I guess you might say it's relative.

I remember reading about this Schrodinger's Cat thought experiment once. Ever heard of that? It had something to do with this cat being stuck in a box with poison or gas or gunpowder...anyhow, something deadly. The whole idea behind this was this belief that Schrodinger had that there was this brief moment in time where everything just sort of smeared together inside that box - some brief gray period where the cat was both alive AND dead at the same time.

Gray. You have to love the gray.

So, yeah. The cat's existence is a big gray period, just like how time is for us. Hell, maybe we are some new version of this experiment. Trapped in a box, where we are simultaneously dead and alive. I might have scoffed at such a notion, once, but not now. Now I'm just waiting for someone to open the box and tell me if we're alive or dead.

But I'm rambling. This is to be expected - that slight slip of reality when you discover things weren't always as they seemed. You know, we were ready for all sorts of things... Nuclear weapons, chemical warfare, we were even ready for the crazy little guy to officially flip his lid and send all his North Korean troops in, to storm us by foot. Ever since 9/11, we'd been ready for anything.

We always think that, don't we? We always believe that we can take anything anyone wants to dish out. Ready for anything...but when anything comes up the pike, we realize we weren't ready for sh*t. That's the way the cookie crumbles, the way the ball bounces, the way the zombie... well, you get the picture.

Germs. Little tiny freaking bugs. That's how they took us out. Introduced it to our water supply and we lapped it up like Pavlov's dogs after a good bell-ringing session. The world's most powerful nation, brought to its knees by an itty bitty bug.

The first ones, it took a while to change. Started out with flu-like symptoms, designed to throw the doctors and the CVC off track. Oh no! It's the swine flu! It's H1-N1! It's bird flu! They say that complacency kills and this was a prime example of that in motion. Everyone treated it like it was the sky blue pink with purple polka dots flu and ignored it. You know the drill - Elmo says cough into your elbow, boys and girls! Stay in your house if you start to show symptoms. Don't go out and risk infecting others. Even with all our paranoid precautions to protect against the germs, it spread across the country in a matter of days.

Needless to say, the geniuses began vaccinating, which I'm pretty sure played us right into enemy hands. But I don't have the time to argue the evils of modern medicine. Let's just say that I'm a staunch believer in what don't kill us, makes us stronger, or however that goes. Natural immunity, man. It's the way God intended.

So mandatory vaccinations. Back on track. They were giving them out at the doctors', giving them out at the drug store. Even the old folk were ready to give you a jab, along with that creepy grin, whistling "Welcome to Wal-Mart" between their dentures. But just as we were vaccinating ourselves, it was kind of like we were vaccinating them - giving them just enough of a start in our bodies to infest. Just enough medicine to mutate. Just enough opportunity to thrive.

They took over the dead places first - morgues and mortuaries. The dead rising before anyone had an opportunity to suck out their innards and get them ready for viewing, attacking and infecting those who were caught unaware. The few unlucky individuals who managed an escape didn't know until it was too late that they'd carried the bug home with them - that they'd soon spread it to their friends and loved ones, that they'd just signed their death warrants and damned them all in one shot. No, the lucky ones were the ones that saw this coming and jumped off the tallest building they could find, just so they didn't have to witness the tragic end of all they knew. Those were the lucky ones. The ones everyone else thought was crazy. Funny how sanity, like time, is completely relative.

Braaaaains.

I remember laughing with my friends over all those old zombie flicks and joking about how the sexy blond with the big boobs and stiletto heels always bit it. She always had to be the dumb one. She usually bit it right off... course, not my luck. In real life, the bimbo had to be Chuck's girlfriend and she managed to survive up to this point. She spends most of her time mewling and screaming at every little bump and bang, clinging to her boyfriend and just, in general, being a nuisance... but I figure she has her uses. If Chuck bites it, like the cliche` dumb jock does in every flick, I imagine she'd make a good alarm system if we strapped her on top of the house. We'd definitely know when they were coming... You know, kind of like an air raid siren. Benefit the whole neighborhood with that mouth of hers.

Then you had the independent brunette. She always had two roles, depending on the flick. She was either the heroine or she was the too-independent girl who struck off on her own and got her face ripped off, halfway through the film.

Jeanie's still got her face, so she just might outlive all of us.

Chuck, of course, I've already mentioned. Big guy. Not too many brains, but he has the overwhelming desire to be a hero; wants to protect us all which, of course, makes him a marked man. So cliche`, I know, but it makes sense. You can totally picture him sacrificing himself for the good of the group, just because he really does think he stands a chance.

That leaves me and Dwight. Dwight the Bright... computer nerd and gamer extraordinaire. Lot of good that does him now. I thought he might be of some use, but he can't even get the AC unit back up and working. Besides, those looks he keeps casting my way give me the willies - all pasty faced and clammy-looking. He's probably trying to measure up and see if he thinks he can take me if it comes down to it. This is a computer nerd's wet dream, you know. Repopulating the world in some post-apocalyptic setting. Place where he'll be recognized and respected for saving the world, instead of getting stuffed into lockers.

There, he goes...looking at me again.

"You feeling okay?" His voice breaks the silence, breath disturbing the tiny particles of dust that float and fly through the last beams of the dying sun where it's managed to bleed through the boards. "You don't look so hot."

I can feel the wound pulsate in response to his question, a maddening ache and itch that races clear up into my shoulder.

I want to grab my arm, to pull it in closer to me and cradle it. I want to erase those tell-tale ribbons of green that are snaking up the vein and putrefying my flesh as it goes. I want someone to help me, but if I let on, I know I'm as forfeit as the dumb blond in the stilettos. They'll toss me out the door, sacrifice me in hopes of saving their own butts, and that will be the end.

"I'm fine," snarls between my teeth as I turn further into the shadows, tugging my sleeve down to cover the bite marks, "You don't look so great yourself. Why don't you go outside and catch a few rays?" I can't help but grin at the unsettled look on his face, knowing what's lurking out there, just waiting for us to step outside, but he takes the hint and shoves off.

Night is falling and the battle begins again. So cliche`.