A New Bucket List©

Several days ago I unearthed an old scrap of paper from my wallet. I was digging for a 25¢ coupon. (Where do coupons go when you're looking for them? It must be the same place socks go from the dryer.)

I never found that wiley money-saver, but I did find a relic from my early twenties: a "bucket list." I remember writing it early into my college years. It said, "Things To Do Before I Die."

First on the list: Watch Johnny Carson on My Honeymoon. How sentimental of me. (The only thing I watched on my honeymoon was the back of my eyelids closing. We drove between states by day and crashed at night.)

Next up on the list: Go Fly Fishing in Wyoming. (Have I ever been an outdoorswoman?) I must have seen someone casting a reel in one of those sappy commercials that make people cry around the holidays.

Following that up was the best yet: Be a size 10. I think I would actually pay money to believe in miracles like that again. I haven't been a size 10 since high school.

The list ended with a handful of stand-out goals: Be an Actress (Hello! How else do you convince young children in the grocery store that all the cookie companies have gone out of business?), Go to Hawaii (still a worthy dream), and White Water Rafting (only if that white water is contained in a Jacuzzi.)

After I threw the list away, I sat down and composed a new list. I wanted it to reflect my many years of experience since college (and have goals I could actually accomplish.) I entitled it, "Things I Will Never Do Again While I Still Have Breath in My Body."

I started the list with: I Will Never Try on Another 2-Piece Bathing Suit. (After 2 kids, a sedentary lifestyle, and dressing room lighting...enough said.)

Next came: I Will Never Wear Sandals in the Summer Unless a Team of Professionals Beautify my Feet. (The nails, the dry skin, the shaving. I need somebody on retainer!)

After that was, I Won't Torture Myself with Dumb Food Rules. (Eating only one bowl of Doritos at a sitting comes to mind.)

I ended the list with, I Will Never Own a Pair of Short Shorts, a Tube Top, or Anything with Stripes (self-explanatory), I Will Never Take My Kids on Even a Short Car Ride without 2 Days of Supplies, and last, I'll Never Leave Costco Thinking, "It will be here next time-I'll buy it then."

After I finished my updated bucket list, I folded it up and put it in my wallet. Then I rifled through the newspaper, found a 25¢ coupon, and placed it next to my list. For good measure.