A Change in Sexual Desire Does Not Necessarily Mean an Affair

One of the most painful moments in a marriage is when you turn to your spouse for sex and get pushed away. If it happens once in a while you may learn to accept it. But if it happens often, or if being rejected is something new, it's hard to not wonder if your spouse is having an affair. Recently I had two couples enter marital therapy because of this issue. One couple had been married 35 years and the other 7 years. Both wives were sure their husbands were be dishonest to them about not having an affair and they wanted to leave the marriage because of this. Neither wife could accept that anything other than an affair would lead to this change in their spouses sexual appetites. The husbands were in no-win situations. If they continued to insist they had not had an affair their wives were going to leave them and if they changed their story and said they were having an affair their wives were going to leave them. Both couples entered therapy believing repair was a lost cause and only did so to appease the frustrated spouse before moving on.

AN AFFAIR IS NOT THE ONLY REASON SEXUAL DESIRE WANES

The men in these marriages were of significantly different ages - one was in his early forties and the other was almost sixty. But they had a number of things in common. Both were truly concerned about their diminished desire and had gone to see doctors to check their testosterone levels. They were low normal for both and neither doctor chose to address the problem with medication. They were both feeling badly about their perceived loss of virility but were too embarrassed to speak to their wives about their feelings. And both expressed to me that the only way they could achieve orgasm was by masturbation. The wives were devastated that their husbands chose masturbation over sexual intercourse with them.

MEDICATION CAN CAUSE IMPOTENCE BUT ITS FIXABLE

The younger husband had gone on an antidepressant when he lost his job and they began to have financial difficulties. His wife had been pressuring him about getting another position because the bills were piling up. Then he began to lose the ability to orgasm. He felt like a total failure and began avoiding his wife as much as possible. She began to believe the only reason for this behavior could be an affair. The older husband had begun taking medication for high blood pressure. Several weeks after he began that medication he began to not be able to come to orgasm and believed it was another age related loss. He too was feeling depressed and his doctor had given him an antidepressant. He still was feeling depressed and his marital situation wasn't making it any better.

WHAT THE DOCTORS ARE TOO BUSY TO TELL YOU

If you take blood thinners you will have trouble maintaining your erection. The penis fills with blood and just as you begin to get hard you lose your erection. That's because the blood cannot be held back by the tissue in the penis that does this because the blood is too thin and it seeps back out just as you feel the pressure to begin to orgasm.Holding the shaft tightly helps the blood stay in the penis and makes orgasm possible. Most people know this and use the current medications that are available for erectile dysfunction. But apparently some men either don't know or are too embarrassed to ask their doctors for help with this problem. But their reticence seriously affects their marriage and can lead to divorce. This was true in both these marriages and the wives were supportive and encouraging of their husbands to use whatever it took to get them back together again.

This may sound like obvious information to some but many people are still embarrassed by an inability to perform or a loss of desire. Healthy men can orgasm forever. There is no reason why you and your mate cannot die in a simultaneous orgasm at the age of 100. Don't let your doctor tell you that your time has passed. Even diabetics who have lost sensitivity in the penis can still be helped to orgasm. A healthy sexual relationship is vital to keep a marriage thriving.