A Child's Loss of Innocence

Her crisp blue eyes stared out into the darkening night. "Look for the deers honey" was what he whispered into her ear. She gazed out of the patio door but the only thing visible to her was her own reflection, and that of her great uncle standing behind her. Her young body flinched as she felt his breath closer on her neck, "do you see the deer out there?" She tried to look harder, wanting to see what he was seeing, but still there was nothing but darkness surrounding her own reflection. She didn't tell him that the deer he seen were not visible to her also. She enjoyed getting to stay up late and watch for deer with him while her sister and great grandma lay asleep in the bed room. But the joy wouldn't last long, soon it would be replaced with fear. Only if her 11 year old mind could grasp what was about to happen. Only if she would have been mature enough to see the signs, but she was just a little girl.

As they stood together by the patio door, staring out in hopes of seeing the deer that seemed to be hiding from her eyes, she felt his hand brush along her side. She pulled away, stepping closer to the sliding door. Focus on seeing the deer she told herself, stop being so flintchy. This was her uncle who had, for many years, been so fun to hang out with. That night when it was time to go to bed he asked her to stay out in the living room with him, to play cards and look for the deer. Not her sister, who seemed to always get the attention from everyone else in the family. She felt so special that he wanted to hang out with just her. But now she wasn't so sure she wanted to be there, alone, with him. He took her hand and lead her back over to the pillows and blankets that were laid out on the floor. "Its late, we should really lay down now." But when he said it was time to lay down he didn't intend for them to go directly to bed. As she lay there, with her back turned, she stared out that dark patio door wanting nothing more then to see a deer now. His hands began to find their way around her untouched body. A tear began to run down the side of her cheek, he whispered "don't worry honey, its okay, just lay there and be a good girl." This is wrong, she knew that, she had been told by her mom and aunt that those were her special spots, not for anyone else to see but herself. But he was her uncle, he was a grown up, how was she supposed to tell him to stop? She thought of her sister and great grandma sleeping in the other room. If one of them would just wake up for a drink of water she could ask to go sleep with them. But as the minutes passed by like hours they never seemed to even stir. His hands became more adventurous, wanting to explore more. NO!! She screamed in her head but the words were stuck in her throat. STOP!!! But he couldn't hear the fear screaming in her mind. But then out of no where she got the courage to pull away from him, to stand up. "Come lay back down. Its okay, it helps me sleep, you're just so pretty." But she didn't lay back down instead she slowly stepped backwards in the direction of the bedroom. Where her sister and granny lay asleep, unaware of what her great uncle was trying to do to her. He began to raise up on one arm, looking at her with a smile forming across his aging mouth. "They wont believe you, you're just a child." She stood there pondering for a moment on what he had just said, maybe he was right. Maybe they wouldn't believe her, but maybe they would. So she turned her back and headed towards the dark hall that lead to where the other two lay asleep.

"Granny" she said as she turned on the bedroom light. But the two occupants of the bed barely stirred. She found her voice again and this time a little louder she called out to her grandma and her sister. Both sat up, "whats wrong" her grandma asked her. How to say this she wondered, but before she could think of the words they were already crossing over her lips. She told her grandma that her uncle was doing things to her and that she didn't think it was right. Her sister looked at her blankly, did she understand what she was telling them both? "You're just having a bad dream dear, go back to bed." And with that her grandma turned off the light and shut the door behind her as she made her way back to bed. Alone, she stood there thinking. She had no choice but to go lay back down on the make shift bed, next to her uncle. So slowly she walked back into the living room, focusing on the still darkening night through the patio door. She laid down again with her back faced to the man who for so many years was fun and exciting. Now he was a threat to her and her innocence. While she laid there unable to stop him from whatever he was about to do, again her eyes fell upon the darkness outside, at the moon she prayed that it would all just go away.

The next morning as everyone began to wake and scatter about, her grandma asked how she slept. The little girl just nodded and said fine, but the pain in her eyes should have shown her that the little girl felt anything but fine. No one mentioned that night again, or the bad dreams that sent her crying into her grandmas room. But unfortunately it wasn't the last sleep over with her granny and uncle, there would be more occasions when the deer would escape her sight and she would be forced to lay down for bed. But although she was young and scared she would always fight with her sister about staying out in the living room and playing cards when it was time for bed. It wasn't because she wanted the attention that she usually craved to get away from her sister. Instead it was to protect her older sister from knowing the pain of being hurt by someone that was supposed to love and protect you. Not hurt you and take away your innocence.

Many years passed and that little girl grew up into a young lady. Her eyes never had that same bright blue sparkle that they once carried before when she was just a child. She is me and I am her. I am a victim of incest. I was only 11 years old when my uncle first took away my innocence. I am 25 now and this is the first time I have ever spoken out about what happened to me. Other then that night when I pleaded with my granny to let me sleep in her room, I have never told another person. Mostly because of being ashamed of what happened those nights we were left in my grandma and uncles care. But also because like he told me that night, I was just a child, who was going to believe me. I am a mother of two little boys and because of the things that happened to me when I was a child I have a fear of allowing them to stay anywhere, with anyone else. I know the pain that still shatters my heart, caused by incidents that no child should ever have to go through. If you or someone you know maybe a victim of molestation, please speak up and stop it now. While there is still a chance. My great uncle died over 6 years ago, and I never got the chance to confront him. To tell him what he did was wrong, and it wasn't okay for him to have done it. I never got to speak out and make sure he was punished for his actions. I don't know if he did this to anyone else, or if I was the only one. But if I had to guess, Id say once a predator always a predator. I spent many years with internal torment, blaming myself for what happened those haunting nights. But through it all it has only made me a stronger person, as well as more cautious of my own children and their surroundings. Will my sister ever know of the trauma I endured to protect her, I don't know. Maybe somethings are left unsaid.

Alone we are just one person, but together we are a team. ChildHelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline: 800-4-A-CHILD (422.4453) or 800.2.A.CHILD (222.4453, TDD for hearing impaired) is a way to talk to someone, reach out about what you've been through or what someone you know might be dealing with. In 2006 only 6% of incest cases were reported to authorities. Although this doesn't seem very high, over 59% of cases were never even reported. No child deserves to have their innocence taken away through this type of violation. Please promote incest awareness, don't allow fear to keep you quiet like it did me for so many years.