A Christmas Necklace

As the Christmas season winds down for another year many of us are left with fond memories, a few extra pounds around the old waistline, and an odd gift or two that we received from an equally odd relative. There are the classics like the customary "ugly sweater"; the single fruitcake that continues to make the rounds and will not stop until every human has owned it at least once; the one-year membership to the cheese-of-the month club. Truly timeless gifts that just keep on giving. But here's one I bet you've never received: reindeer droppings.

Seriously.

I'm not making this up.

According to the Houston Chronicle's website, the Miller Park Zoological Society of Bloomington, Illinois made nearly $21,000 this year selling Christmas ornaments and jewelry made from reindeer droppings. These festive holiday pieces, or "Magical Reindeer Gems" as the eccentric zoo folks call them, are apparently collected, dried, sterilized, and painted before being assembled into various Yuletide offerings.

Hmmm... It seems to me this might possibly be the ultimate in re-gifting from the Miller Park Zoo's Department of Fecal Matter Management and Disposal. I'd love to meet the brilliant marketing guru who came up with the idea. I can imagine Rudolph, Blitzen, and the Gang depositing their little gems all around the yard one day when Joe, a very creative Fecal Matter Management Team member, suddenly had the brilliant idea that these would make wonderful holiday gifts.

Boss: Joe, what are you doing on your hands and knees in the reindeer pen?
Joe: Christmas shopping!
Boss: Excuse me?
Joe: Christmas shopping. My wife is always accusing me of giving her poop (I used the "nice" word here to keep it family friendly) for Christmas, so this year I'll live up to my reputation!
Boss: Hey, that sounds like a great idea. Do you think if we gathered enough of the Magical Reindeer Gems people would buy 'em?
Joe: Why not? Look, people bought Milli Vanilli CDs, they'll buy painted reindeer poop.

I can see an entire industry ready to boom here. Imagine a book with accompanying DVD entitled, From Deer Droppings to Dollars: The Secret to a Fecal Fortune. There will be late-night TV infomercials, dedicated programming on the shopping networks, and if we're lucky, a line of children's products featured in fast-food kid's meals all across the country. Moms will be begging their husbands to stop at the drive-through so little Johnny can get the last remaining Magical Reindeer Gem to complete his set. Meanwhile, Dad will grumble that Johnny "already has enough poop ("nice" word again) lying around the house.

Seriously, dear readers, I wonder what the market for dried reindeer fecal products really is. It must be booming because the Miller Park Zoo quadrupled their sales this year, going from $5,000 in 2008 to the aforementioned $21,000 in 2009. With marketing like that they have a whole pile of potential products that could support the zoo indefinitely! And why stop at Christmas? Animal droppings are great for any occasion: birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, even a personal Valentine's Day gift just to say, "I love you."

Stand back, friends....my fertile brain is working overtime here.

So anyway, what was the biggest reason for the jump in sales? Apparently it was the new jewelry line added this year in response to customer requests. I guess once you have Christmas tree ornaments made of deer droppings it just isn't enough. You sit around one evening gazing at the glowing tree in a darkened room, your eye catches that Magical Reindeer Gem that reminds you of your dating years, and you decide you just have to have a poop necklace to complete your holiday ensemble.

Gift giving has never been more romantic.

Then of course, showing off your lovely piece of tastefully-revolting jewelry to visiting relatives can be the highlight of any holiday gathering. Your sister, with whom you've been competing for years to sport the most talked about piece of jewelry, will be red with envy when she sees your Little Vixen necklace with matching earrings and over-sized broach. Who needs diamonds? From now on, dried out deer droppings are a girl's best friend.

If this keeps up other creative zoo pooper-scoopers will start looking for new ways to turn their daily grind into gold. Perhaps an attractive set of end tables compliments of Hugo the Elephant; wind chimes direct from the wolf enclosure; even scented bath beads brought to you by those cute little celebrity Meerkats with their own TV show. Talk about exploitation; where is POOP (People Opposed to the Ornamentation of Poop) when you need them? The insanity must stop!

In the meantime, I'll be working on a business plan to hopefully franchise my own chain of Buffalo Chips restaurants. If Joe wants to get in on the deal I sure could use his marketing genius, or his propensity to drink too much eggnog, whatever the case may be.

Sources:
Grinch wouldn't steal reindeer poop ornaments | News Bizarre | Chron.com - Houston Chronicle - http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/6784467.html