A Christmas Story: a Baby's Cry

Caitlin flopped onto her side of the bed. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She could hear her husband's footsteps on the stairs. He would come up the stairs to comfort her. She didn't want to be comforted. She braced herself for the fight that would ensue. Why did she lock the door? Don't be this way, especially at Christmas.

She wanted to be alone. Couldn't he understand that? As much as she loved him and as much as she loved their newborn baby girl, she was never alone! She couldn't remember the last time she had been by herself? When was the last time she just spent two hours looking through e-mails or Facebook posts? This was supposed to have been a perfect Christmas - her baby's first Christmas and it now seemed a disaster beyond being salvageable.

Her husband pleaded again to be let in. Let him help her, he said. She was so hurt; how, could she let him help her? Caitlin sat up and opened up her laptop. She scanned the media library and found her collection of Christmas CD's and songs and hit play. She turned the volume up so as to not hear her husband's pleas.

She looked around the room. Half-packed suitcases. Presents in bags lined up and ready to go. She closed her eyes. The house seemed like the only house in the neighborhood without any Christmas lights. And tonight, even their tree seemed shabby in comparison to the brilliantly lighted displayed trees of their neighbors that you could see clearly through their front room windows. Caitlin wasn't even sure if they had gotten out even one-tenth of their Christmas decorations that they normally pulled out the day after Thanksgiving.

It was a tradition for Caitlin.

She loved Christmas and spent every waking moment after Thanksgiving preparing and decorating and getting into the holiday spirit. While others woke at 4AM to go Christmas shopping (or never went to bed at all), Caitlin woke bright and early and started to move the furniture around to prepare a place for the Christmas tree. She had a special place she kept the Christmas CD's and she got them out and plopped them into their old multi-CD player, hit play all on repeat, and cranked up the volume. She drank hot chocolate raspberry cocoa and bagels for breakfast while she continued to make room for their many Christmas decorations.

They had several Christmas statues and figurines, three nativity sets, an advent wreath and an advent calendar, several Christmas wreaths to hang on doors, several indoor light displays as well as lights to trim the outside of the house, bushes, and trees. She strategically placed candles and scented air fresheners throughout the home to blend smells of pine tree and cinnamon apples and gingerbread cookies. She brought out the Christmas throw pillows and door mats and throw blankets. She brought out the Christmas dishes - snowman plates and cups and a utensil carrier.

She dug out all of her Christmas sweaters and shirts, socks and earrings, and necklaces. Every day from Thanksgiving to Christmas, her wardrobe included something related to the holiday. Even during pregnancy when she had finally relented and always wore maternity clothes, she found a way to wear something related to Christmas. Every day meant watching some snippet of a favorite Christmas movie. If she was lucky, she could watch the movie (or several) in full. She dutifully looked up to see when her favorite movies were playing on television and then looked to see what new ones might be added to her favorite list.

Then there was all that she did until Christmas morning. She baked endlessly. Fruit cakes, gingerbread houses and gingerbread people, sugar cookies, Christmas wreath cookies, snowball cookies. She made decorations and Christmas crafts - homemade ornaments were her specialty. Then she volunteered and gave back to community outreach programs - donating toys and food and so much more. If she could manage it, she'd squeeze in time to perform with the Christmas choir at church. And then there was the time spent with family.

More than anything Caitlin had to spend Christmas with her family. It got trickier after meeting her husband to balance two family Christmas celebrations as well as spending Christmas with each other. But somehow Caitlin managed and felt right with the world. This year, she carefully planned Christmas celebrations with each side of the family and for them together so that they could let their baby girl have the perfect first Christmas.

Caitlin would look back after Christmas while the tree was still up and beautifully lit and sigh contentedly. She enjoyed all the busy-ness and hustle and bustle and at the end of the day she could take a quiet moment and appreciate the gifts she had - a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, and a great life. And this year, she could look back and be amazed by her little family.

And now the tradition vaporized. The day after Thanksgiving was spent taking care of a six-month-old baby with croup who had to be whisked away to the local children's urgent care for breathing treatments and high fever. Exhausted, Caitlin and her husband didn't even bother to bring out a Christmas CD. The only thing that reminded them that the Christmas season had truly begun in earnest was the small stuff elf their baby girl had gotten at the hospital urgent care.

There was no going back. Right after the Thanksgiving weekend, neither Caitlin nor her husband had time to get into the Christmas spirit. Caitlin had been scheduled to go back to work. Her husband was busy with work and finishing up classes and an exam for his certification. Weekends were filled playing catch up and visiting family and friends. They had scheduled time off for the holidays - first going to see Caitlin's family and then off to see her husband's family.

Caitlin had been so looking forward to it and showing off her baby girl! They got to her family's get together only to find out that many of her cousins' families had been hit with the flu. Caitlin nervously sat through dinner and presents wondering if their baby girl would get sick. They left as quickly as possible to spend the night at her parents. They left the next morning and headed back for their home three hours away. They would spend Christmas Eve at home and then try to head over to her husband's side of the family Christmas night. Caitlin was worried. Their baby girl seemed to have gotten the sniffles and was coughing just a little. She had mentioned possibly not going to Christmas with his family and they had gotten into a big fight.

Caitlin turned the music off and closed her laptop. She slipped into her pajamas and unlocked the door. She stared at the baby monitor, telling herself that the baby was fine and breathing perfectly. She climbed into bed and pulled up the covers. She closed her eyes and tried to remind herself - it's Christmas. As Caitlin started to feel calm and sane again, her thoughts drifted and wondered if Mary had felt this way at all?

She had to ride a donkey in the last trimester of pregnancy. Go do a census at the worst possible time and then give birth in a barn, well, stable. Did she feel like her life had gone upside down? Did she feel like she even had a life? Or that the life she had was her own? Jesus was perfect and Mary seemed like a close second. The perfect mom for a perfect baby. Did Mary ever feel like Jesus was overly demanding? That she couldn't get away to just be herself? Or even do a simple thing like eat without having to tend to baby Jesus or entertain unexpected guests? All Caitlin wanted to do was to hold her baby girl and rock Maggie in her arms, forgetting about the rest of the world. Did Mary want that, too? When Mary picked up Jesus, when and if he cried, did she cradle him tenderly and realize the rest of the world disappeared?

Softly, Caitlin heard the baby's cry. She wasn't screaming so she wasn't poopy or hurt. Had she dropped something from her crib? Was she hungry? Caitlin quietly shuffled down the hallway to the baby's room. There she was, her arm stuck between the slats. Maggie stared at her mom with big eyes as if to say, "How did I get my arm stuck? Please help!" Caitlin gently moved her arm back into the crib and then picked Maggie up. She picked up Maggie's favorite baby blanket and made her way to the overstuffed rocking chair. She sank into it, cradling Maggie. She closed her eyes.

She heard footsteps in the hall. Her husband peaked into the room and whispered if Maggie was OK. Caitlin nodded and motioned for her husband to come into the room. "I'm sorry," Caitlin whispered. "I wanted this Christmas to be so perfect." Her husband came and knelt by Caitlin and Maggie. Maggie had fallen back asleep. Her little mouth formed this perfect little "O." "We lost track of Christmas, didn't we?" he asked. Caitlin nodded. "This was her first Christmas . . ." Caitlin whispered and then stopped, fighting back a wave of tears.

"But this IS her first Christmas," her husband said. "This right here. Just the three of us brought together by a baby's cry. This is Christmas." Caitlin smiled, agreeing. Maybe Mary knew all along just what Christmas was all about.