A Crash Course in Apologizing to Your Wife or Girlfriend

Bunking with Fido again, eh? Here are some pointers you'll need when it's time to apologize to your girlfriend. For you married men, please substitute the word "wife" wherever you see "girlfriend." After all, your wife is your girlfriend for life, right?

1. Don't ever, ever apologize to your girlfriend: a) with your back turned; b) when you're across the room; c) when you're in another room; d) with your arms crossed across your chest; e) when you're angry. A sincere apology requires close proximity, eye contact, contrite rather than combative body language and no discernible signs of anger.

2. Make sure you sincerely wish to apologize. Offering up a false, condescending, sarcastic or coerced apology will just fall flat. You won't be able to pull it off and worse, she'll sense it. Then you'll really be in the doghouse!

3. Once you've decided to apologize to your girlfriend, do so immediately if possible. If you've decided you're in the wrong then it needs to be made right as soon as you can do so. Don't ever think she's forgotten about your transgression. She hasn't. The longer you wait the more she'll wonder why you dragged your feet, and the longer she dwells on the situation, the worse it is for you.

4. When it's time to apologize to your lady, it's preferable to get her alone. Sit down together and start by making sincere eye contact with her. If the situation isn't too volatile, hold her hands in yours. If the situation is still too hot and she's livid, don't try to take her hands. You'll only risk having her pull away from you. Instead, leave your hands in your lap, relaxed and palm up. Having your hands laying palm up signifies openness and a willingness to communicate. Do not put your hands on your knees; it's much too easy to lapse into tapping your knees which signifies impatience. You don't want her to think you're in a hurry to have the apology over with. When you're apologizing to your lady, you want her to know the apology is important to you and that you'll take all the time in the world if need be to make things right between the two of you.

5. Maintain a calm and reasonable tone of voice when you apologize. Resist the urge to crack a joke. Don't raise your voice for emphasis.

6. There are three parts to any good apology: a) Identifying out loud where you went wrong; b) The apology itself; c) A sincere promise to try to do better. When you apologize to your girlfriend, she will need to know you're aware of why you're apologizing. She will actually need to hear, "I'm sorry." And she will need to hear that you'll try harder in the future.

Here's an Example of a Great Apology to a Girlfriend: "I should have known it would upset you when I talked with my ex-girlfriend for so long. I should have taken your feelings into consideration first thing. It was thoughtless of me and I want you to know that I'm sorry. I wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt you and I'll try to do better in the future."

This apology shows both an understanding of the situation that occurred and an understanding of your girlfriend's hurt feelings. It follows through with the words she needs to hear and shows promise of better behavior on your part in the future.

Here's an Example of a Fair Apology to a Girlfriend: "I'm sorry I did something to upset you."

Well, you get points for saying, "I'm sorry," but do you even know what you're sorry about? When you apologize to your lady she'll be on the lookout for an indication that you understand why she's upset. Plus you've said nothing about your future behavior. Does this mean you don't plan on taking any corrective action? Don't think she won't notice. Or does it mean she gets to look forward to an endless parade of "I'm sorry" while you run off and do the exact same thing over and over again? It's a decent apology but it's still a little vague and ambiguous.

Here's a Really Bad Apology to a Girlfriend: "I know you're upset because I talked with my ex-girlfriend for so long. I'm sorry you feel that way."

Ouch! You don't want to get back into her good graces anytime soon, do you? This is a horrible way to apologize! Nowhere have you indicated even an inkling of understanding why she's upset. Nowhere do you express remorse. Nowhere do you strive for better behavior in the future.

7. After you've apologized to your girlfriend, let her take the lead. You'll be able to tell whether your apology is accepted immediately or whether you need to talk things through a bit. Let her set the tone and let her be the first one to crack a joke or smile. Only after it's clear that you are at least partially forgiven should you make a move to hug or kiss her. But here's the thing: Once you've apologized to your lady and it's clear you've salvaged the situation, it is very important that you do hug or kiss her. This signifies a reestablishment of the intimacy between you two that was derailed because of the situation for which you're apologizing. It also signifies that the situation is over, or on its way to being over, and that you are once again a cohesive couple.

By the way, forego the whole "flowers and candy" routine unless you're sure your lady goes for that type of thing. Otherwise it just looks like you're trying to buy your way out of trouble.

Lastly, remember that the most important component to any apology is your heartfelt sincerity. A sincere apology from the heart, no matter how bungled or awkward, beats a half hearted, phony apology any day of the week.