A Crash Course in Newborns

Before giving birth to my first child, I had an idea of what motherhood would be like. I imagined all of the cuddling, the first smiles, and the family photos. I knew the beginning would be rough with sleepless nights and trying to differentiate his cries. But I didn't truly know what I was getting into until it happened.

I was determined to breastfeed my son. It went well in the hospital, surrounded by nurses and lactation consultants. It was a different story once we brought him home and I was on my own. I distinctly remember sitting down at the computer and looking at a picture of my husband and myself from several months earlier. It was a photo from our trip to Mexico. What a stark contrast to our current situation.

From the beginning, I loved my son more than I knew I could love another human being. I had no regrets and couldn't imagine my life without him. Yet part of me mourned the end of our lives as just the two of us. I felt guilty for my feelings. But I believe with such huge life changes, even positive ones, there is a period of mourning. And I think that's ok.

The raging hormones and sheer exhaustion from sleepless nights took their toll. One night I awoke in the nursery rocking chair, nursing my son. I didn't remember picking my son up or carrying him to the chair. Another night, my husband came to bed and I told him to watch out for our son. He asked where he was. I told him he was in my arms. My husband turned on the light. The only thing in my arms was my body pillow. Our son was sleeping soundly in his crib. There were also nights when I could hear his cries even though he wasn't crying.

The first three months of motherhood were not easy. Slowly, I began to feel more human. Every three months, I suddenly felt a little more like me. Motherhood wasn't quite as consuming as it had been in the beginning. I thought I would be sad when my kids outgrew the newborn stage. I do miss the newborn cuddling, but I've discovered that each new stage is full of new joys.