A Creyer Christmas

Here in my town of Creyer (pronounced "Cur"), everybody that's got central heat is excited about Christmas. The whole place is geared up, hunkered down, nestled in, and shopped out.

To be sure, it's colder than Tiger Woods' in-laws at an Olan Mills family photo shoot, but we're all glad to be home for the holidays. In Creyer, Christmas is a magical time.

Our mayor, Carl "Big Carl" Sweeney, owner of Big Carl's Funeral Parlor And Fireworks Emporium, has plugged in the spinning color wheel for the Court House Christmas tree, and the City Council stopped kissing babies long enough to re-approve the town's annual sales tax holiday on candy, dental implants, cordwood and guns.

Big Carl's twin girls, Euphoria and Carl's Junior, have taken up their traditional position out in front of the Sonic, wearing plus-sized red jumpers and odd little nurse hats, whacking a cowbell and collecting money for needy children unless they're needy north of Virginia. Euphoria wants to thank everyone for their generosity; Carl's Junior claims they've already filled up the donation spittoon several times.

Cecil Sawsill down at Cecil's Trough 'N Lube has caught the spirit: anybody who chips in for the twins' worthy cause gets a "Three-Bean Buffet and Air Bag Inspection" discount coupon. When time allows, Big Carl likes to pitch in, too, standing next to the twins and ho-ho-ho-ing away, all dressed up as Saint Nicholas, or as he's known around here, "Santy."

The Creyer Municipal City Opera & Back Hoe Repair Company wants to remind everyone not to miss this year's Christmas Eve special, "A Mormon Hanukkah," guest-starring Orrin Hatch as Yentl Ben.

Over at Cotton Mather Elementary, the Chaste Cherubs are wrapping up rehearsals for the Christmas Pageant, and we hear that glee club director Randy Leggins has a real corker planned. Among other holiday classics, the Cherubs will be acting out "The Ten Days of Christmas" with sock puppets.

Now, in your town, you're probably used to "The Twelve Days of Christmas." Not in Creyer. The Ladies' Auxiliary at the Charismatic Serpentarium pitched a fit till we cut that verse about nine ladies dancing. And the Creyer Saints of the Second Amendment allowed that "three hens" is fine, but they're not going to have respectable church-going children running around singing about France. Not at Christmas.

However, Tommy "Towhead" Grimes, owner of the "Grimes of Passion" adult boutique, ran his usual pre-Christmas ad in the Creyer newspaper, the Literable Gazette, showcasing his holiday line of red flannel French teddies.

Not a peep from the Saints.

Tyrell's Pole Dancing And Lunch Buffet added a nice, festive touch, dolling up all the dance poles to look like candy canes, and headliner Dentitia "Eveready" Devereax is hinting of a new "Naughty & Nice" number that aims to please. Towhead got a preview and called it a miracle.

That Dentitia is something else. A few decades back, you'll recall, she was declared a national treasure by the Singapore Bureau of Alternative Tourism. Over the years, Dentitia's gotten so much coal in her stockings that West Virginia offered to have her strip-mined.

As always, responsibility for setting up the city's manger scene fell to the good sisters at Our Ladies of Perpetual Gastritis. But it was mighty cold out, and they took to nipping at the cider. They barely managed to get Rudolph and the shepherds in place next to Pinocchio before the sisters were spotted on Pearl Street, jiggling along in a conga line.

Curlene Getwilder, Otto and Candy's "gifted" daughter, tried to replace one of the wise men with a life-size cutout of Mike Huckabee, but the good sisters spotted the switch almost immediately. Otto argued that Mike Huckabee was, too, a wise man, and way more sensibly dressed. Otto makes a good point.

And finally, Tookey Ankle, night manager at Pawpaw's Fine Jewelry And Bait Shop, invites any last-minute shoppers in for a peek at his animatronicated Fly-Fishing Elves display, featuring that stocking-stuffing favorite, the collapsible Christmas crèche creel. While you're in there, be sure to register for a free Donna Karan tackle box - now available in black or black!

So, from all of us in Creyer, we wish you a Merry Christmas. And whatever you do, don't forget the real reason for the season: January markdowns!