A Dating Guide for the Modern Woman

I found an email making the rounds, regarding men, supposedly advice from Oprah. I'm no expert, but I think I am pretty smart about men and relationships. The way I figure it, my fiancé and I must be doing something right to have lasted ten years so far, right? Some of these aren't bad advice, some aren't great advice, I think they all need some elaboration. So, I will elaborate!

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

Well, there is something to be said for playing hard to get, and it's that you can only do it so much. Believe it or not folks, men ARE people too, and some even have feelings and emotions, and fear of rejection. I know that might be a shock for you, but it's the truth. They will eventually give up the chase if they feel you're going to keep rejecting them. A little goes a long way folks.

2. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

This one is mostly true. Don't try and force someone who doesn't want you to stay. Why would you want a man who doesn't want to? I feel that what needs to be said here is a word about self respect. You are not showing yourself a lick of respect by running after a man who doesn't want you, begging him to stay. MOVE ON! Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and show yourself the respect you deserve. There is someone, somewhere who wants you for who you are. That person however, will not be impressed with your doormat ways!

3. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Is said man an adult? Why should he need anyone to make excuses? If you feel you need to make excuses for his behavior, you should probably reconsider being with him in the first place.

4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Never ignore your intuition. It's usually right, and often will save you from a world of hurt. Too often, we don't listen to our gut until it's too late. How many times do you have to ignore your instincts just to find out later that they were right before you learn your lesson?

5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

This is only somewhat true. All relationships will eventually require some sort of compromise, and that's not a bad thing. We all have to change a little and meet in the middle sometimes. As long as you aren't compromising the core of who you are, and you aren't compromising your integrity, change isn't necessarily bad. Meant to be or not, these things don't just happen by themselves...relationships take work, and a lot of it!

6. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

Follow your instincts. Some people rely far too much on surface feelings and are never happy enough with what they have. Some people mistake contentment for boredom or unhappiness. Truly being content, and safe, and comfortable in a relationship is not a BAD thing people! It's a sign that your hard work has paid off! That said, never lose sight of who you are. Keep in touch with friends know who you are, and what you like. Do things that make you happy! What good is a girlfriend who is always miserable because she never does anything she loves.

7. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends."

Fine....but don't fail to evaluate yourself as well. It's rare that someone is entirely faultless in the ending of a relationship. If you cannot admit your own faults, and you are under the delusion that you "deserve" a lot more than what anyone ever gives you, then perhaps your aiming a bit high. You deserve to be treated with love and respect...as much as you give. Your expectations of how you deserve to be treated can't be unrealistic. You deserve only as much as you are willing to give back.

8. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.

I'm not sure where this fits into advice about relationships, but whatever. This is true. Don't settle for someone who won't give you as much as you give to them.

9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

This just goes back to following your instincts. There's a reason for those nagging little gut feelings. You aren't psychic, your mind is just seeing things that you don't want to admit to.

10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

This is not necessarily true at all. Again, relationships take commitment and WORK. Stupid advice like this is part of why the divorce rate in this country is so high! We all have rocky times. Do you think that we have made it through a decade with no hard spots and never having times when things needed to get better? And guess what...they DID get better. I truly believe that there is hardly any problem that can't be fixed when two people truly love each other, and both WANT to work, and are willing to give it their all. As long as they are committed to making it work, it can.

11. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

While this is true, don't ever forget that when you are in a relationship, what you choose to do, and how you choose to behave affects someone else, and what they do as well. Your actions will affect the actions of your "other half". It's not all about you. Selfishness is a surefire way to kill a relationship.

12. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Situations are different, and people change. Approach with caution, of course, but don't write someone off because of their past. We all have a past. Besides, he didn't GET THEM pregnant alone. My eggs, my body...I am capable of using contraception or saying NO. Still, always approach a situation like this one very carefully.

13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maybe....but often times, when you find someone right, and stay with them for a long time, you have similar personalities and interests, and also similar taste in people, including friends. There's nothing wrong with having mutual friends. More importantly, you need to have friends that you can talk to, without fear that every single word you speak will be repeated back to your partner. It's not that you will need to hide things, but sometimes, you need to blow off steam. These things are often things that don't need to be said to your partner, but you need to get them out. THAT is the kind of friend that's important to have.

14. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.

Really "boundaries" is such a harsh term. Don't compromise who you are, and don't bottle things up, it's that simple. If a relationship is good, then sharing how you feel shouldn't be a problem. This is not a license, however, to behave like a heinous witch just because you're having a rotten day and treat him poorly either. Remember ladies, men ACTUALLY have feelings too!

15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

Oh yeah....starting things out with cynicism is a great way to enter into a relationship. If you believe this, you need to think your entire attitude towards your fellow human beings. A man who really loves you will accept you, faults and all, and won't USE THINGS against you no matter what. It's about TRUST people!

16. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

See rule #11. Also see rule #5. While you're at it, open your eyes. You can't force change, but you can influence change, mainly by setting the example. It's possible that a man would love you enough to want to change himself for the better. It's also possible that you are overreacting about some of these "behaviors." Are you ready to up and leave him because he doesn't hug you every time you enter his field of vision? Maybe these behaviors aren't really that bad. Maybe he doesn't know these things bother you. You can't force a man to change, but you can (in a non witchy way!) let him know what things bother you and why they bother you.

17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

Job and education hasn't much to do with it. Don't compromise yourself, but don't be afraid to occasionally put them first. Sometimes, that's what you need to do because you love them, and because you want to help them...and helping someone, and loving someone occasionally means putting them before yourself. It's not about superior and inferior....two people who are in love should be EQUALS. It's a relationship, not a competition. Putting the person you love first feels GOOD sometimes.

18. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

That should be taken very carefully. He is human...and he is fallible. We are all capable of mistakes. However, if you are telling yourself that with a negative connotation, then you don't deserve a decent man. After all, YOU are a woman, nothing more, nothing less, right? Don't live your life with a horrific ego and an over inflated sense of self importance.

19. Never let a man define who you are.

Nobody DEFINES you but you, and how you choose to live your life. Don't blame your shortcomings on someone else. Over time though, you are partially defined by your relationship, because it is such a HUGE part OF your life.

20. Never borrow someone else's man.

If you are abhorrent enough to do that, you don't deserve to HAVE any friends...or a man.

21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

There are always exceptions to the rule...but approach with caution. You don't know the whole situation, and there are three sides to every story-he said, she said, and somewhere in the middle, is what really happened.

22. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

This should go without saying. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt At the same time, he will also only treat you as WELL as you allow him to. Don't shoot down every attempt he makes at doing good things for you.

23. All men are NOT dogs.

That's what I am TRYING to get at here!!!

24. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

On the same token, you should be able and WILLING to bend as well when necessary.

25. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

It's not baggage. It is your past, and it is a part of who you are, and what got you where you are. Don't live your life with regrets...there's nothing to regret if you learn something from it. However, you cannot have a good solid relationship if you can't be alone either. Yes, you need time in between relationships. You need to be able to be an independent person. That doesn't mean you can't ever lean on someone else, but you shouldn't always HAVE to. Looking for someone because you can't be alone will cloud your judgment, and make it awfully hard to find someone good for you. True love always seems to happen when you aren't looking for it. And don't write someone off because it's an odd or unlikely source of love...I really think that the things that just seem impossible, but happen anyhow, are probably meant to be.

26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

No....eventually you do become two parts of a whole, but those parts need to be EQUAL. When you are looking, yes, search for a complementary person. Eventually, those two complementary beings meld into one beautiful thing. Do we feel complete when we are lonely? Most of us don't...so in some way, having someone to rely on, to depend on, to trust, and to catch us when we fall does complete us. They don't always have to complete you, but you can't always be as strong as you might need to be, and having someone there to be strong for you is a wonderful thing, that brings about a wonderful sense of security and comfort, even in the hardest of times.

27. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Dating should be fun! If you aren't having any fun dating how are you ever going to get any further than just dating? Date people you enjoy being around....here's another insightful quote to chew on...
" Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne"

28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.

Taking someone for granted is a bad thing. However, being someone that the person you love can depend on is not. Why shouldn't you always be there when he needs you? Someone who loves you will always miss you somewhat when you're not there.

29. Never move into his mother's house.

Why? Is there a rule that nobody ever told me that says you should always hate his mother? Not all mothers are bad! If it weren't for his mother, you wouldn't have him, now would you? And sometimes, his mom can be a great help if you aren't sure how to deal with something he's going through!

30. Never co-sign for a man.

Why? Again...approach with caution, but not all men are scum you know!

31. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

How would you like it if you were just a standby, or a temp, or a fall back? If you aren't happy, and don't believe that things can work, move on, and for the love of God, let him go so that he can find someone that won't treat him like a spare tire!