A Day in the Life of Me

I am not anyone special. Or so I thought. But we are all special in our own unique way. And having anxiety and depression issues does not make me crazy, it makes me human. It's just not something most people like to talk about because it feels shameful and embarrassing. I had a drug addiction to Prescription pills for 10 years that had me feeling isolated, anxious, depressed and extremely moody. The anxiety intensified once I tried to become clean. My son was 10 at the time, I had been dating my current boyfriend (now my husband) for 5 years and I finally told him what was going on. "I have a drug problem." He immediately jumped in, called my insurance company to see what benefits I had, and I was to start an Outpatient Rehabilitation program immediately. I had to leave early from work which was very stressful in itself because I was in sales, tell my 10 year old son (hoping he could handle it) that I would not be home every night because of my drug problem, and overall, accept that it was okay to be a flawed; a very flawed human being. Outpatient is often after work hours, but where I lived it was quite a hike to get there during rush hour, so I had to leave work earlier that I had anticipated.

Then came the dreaded meeting with HR and my managers with the letter from the Rehab Center with the excuse as to why I had to leave work early for the next two weeks. That marked my first of many humiliating moments pertaining to my drug problems. I don't know why, but when you say something out loud, "I have a drug problem," it seems to have a bigger impact (in my mind at least) than if you just say it in your head. My boyfriend was extremely supportive, but he insisted that I call my family members to let them know what was going on. I did. Not exactly the support I had anticipated. There was a lot of "Are you okay?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" "I am so sorry". Blah, blah, blah is what it sounded and felt like to me. I kept thinking how awful this was that I had to make these phone calls, and that once I got "better" my boyfriend was going to leave me because I would be too much to handle. My mind and thoughts are racing at an amazing speed. None of these racing thoughts included the most important- I have a drug problem and had to get better. For me. Not anyone else. Just me.

Now the physical effects of withdrawal are excruciating. The headaches were almost unbearable, the stomach cramps, nausea, and throwing up, all just horrible. If I had just one of anything, any kind of pill, I would feel better. But then that defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Here comes the fear and anxiety of knowing that I cannot take medicine and drink like a "regular person." I would plead with God. "Please make it stop and I will never do anything bad ever again. Just please make the physical and mental pain stop!"

Social events, even something as normal as going to the neighbor's house made me so anxious that all I could think about was drinking a bottle of wine to calm my nerves. Going to those AA and NA meetings during Outpatient Rehab did not help either. I am not this bad off I kept telling myself. My husband would say the same. "You are not like these people." I would never hit rock bottom like these people have. I am in complete control of myself and my "so-called" addictions. Once I get through this program (voluntarily I might add), I would be fine. I never finished that Outpatient Program and 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Talk about anxiety and depression all rolled into one! There was a sense of peace within myself having this diagnosis. Having a way to manage it. Still, my episodes in the last two years have let what little support system I had, almost diminish. I try. I really do, but when one is honest with oneself, is that really the case? How do we know we tried our hardest? There is no book, no therapist to determine this, no ah-ha moment in your brain saying "You did it Lady. You are finally at the point of trying your hardest." It's like that parenting book we all look for. It just doesn't exist.

So if I had to have one last conversation to the people in my life; the supportive, non-supportive, and loved ones, it would go something like this-I am sorry for the pain and suffering I have caused all of you, and if I could, I would take it all away. Alas, I cannot. So here is what is on my mind- If anyone of you had any idea that I had a problem, I wish you would have spoken up. It might have given me back those past 10 years of my life. But I get it, you are all too angry from my past actions to want to even try and understand what it is I deal with on a daily basis. People deal with things differently, and I definitely fall under the category of not being able to deal with life and all that it ensues. Depression and Anxiety along with substance abuse are not a healthy combination. With that being said, I hope that knowing what I continue to go through on a daily basis, you will not let the same thing happen to someone else you care for. No matter how painful it may be to talk about, or maybe have an Intervention. Maybe if I had that level of support years ago, I would have saved myself and the others around me a lot of trouble and suffering. I am the only one to blame here, but please remember that my definition of support is being there for someone you care about; no matter what. I have learned this through these past many years and as I deal with my Depression and Anxiety, I hope that you all can find it in your hearts to forgive me and give our lives a second, third, fourth, fifth (whatever that number may be)a chance. For me personally, I look back at my past actions as a cry for help that no one heard. So please keep your ears and hearts open to yourself and others that might need help before it's too late. At least I am here another day...

Thank you so kindly for reading my thoughts and I hope that if this helps just one person reach out to another person, then I will have accomplished something wonderful. And each and every day, no matter how anxious or depressed I get, I get to have this day and hopefully tomorrow, because if do not make today great, then what would happen if tomorrow never came? And who would be there to hug me and tell me that it's okay and that I am just "normal?"