A Divorced Father's New Year's Resolution

This is simple. In years past, I was like everyone else. My New Year's resolutions always revolved around being in better shape, stopping bad habits, or some other relatively selfish pursuit. Yet, like almost anyone knows, life can change your outlook fairly quickly, and I have become a living example of that.

After ten-plus years of marriage and two beautiful children, I have to now manage life as a single dad, and somehow along the way I have discovered what my new most important role is: guide my two kids, who have done nothing in this world except be wonderful, through a process they do not deserve, did not create, yet must suffer from. So, to put it in plain words, my only resolution for 2010 is to help my little girls adjust to a new definition of family and to remind them that life is still full of beauty and potential.

I have watched my father experience two separate open heart surgeries. I held my mother's hand when she died. But the worst moment my life has contained was the day we told our girls that the life they nestled into each was coming to an end. They screamed and cried, yelled and grieved, and my heart shattered in an inexplicable way. My oldest daughter took her little sister upstairs to comfort her, an extraordinarily mature action from a nine-year-old. When I heard her bedroom door close, I wept like never before. Leaning over the kitchen sink, I cried for them, cursed myself for their pain. Never has my body hurt the way it did in that moment.

Yet time has intervened, and we have plodded along as a new family of three. They have shown remarkable fortitude, and, despite some more than understandable breakdowns, they have made me incredibly proud. So, I have found it as my mission to help them handle this issue, and this is how I plan to do it.

1. Keep every door open: Clocks and walls do not exist when it comes down to their emotions. They will have full access to me at any time they need to talk about anything. My phone will always ring and it will permanently be on me. They can crawl into my bed at 3 a.m. if they need to and say whatever they are thinking. I have told them and will continue to tell them that they should speak their minds no matter what or when.

2. Swallow my ego: My pride and personal comfort have to take a backseat to their emotional responses. They have to be able to know they can tell me anything, whether it is good or bad. They need to be able to say they are angry at my ex-wife and I, and I need to accept that and merely listen. There is no place for me rationalizing an adult issue to them. They will never know the" why" of the divorce. They just need to feel heard and listened to, and they must know clearly that nothing they say is wrong. Their feelings simply cannot be wrong.

3. Maintain discipline: I know the first reaction for any newly single parent is to make the children feel good all the times, which often translates into a lapse in discipline; nothing could be worse for the child. It teaches so many wrong ideals, so I have pledged to be the same disciplinarian I have always been. They need the normalcy of the old routines; in fact, they may even find a true comfort in it. If I fail to keep the rules and boundaries stern, I raise children who become lawless essentially, which does them a major disservice. Establishing rules conveys love; leaving them without can easily be interpreted as not caring.

4. Invest time: Now more than ever the time I spend with them must be of quality. Not time in the same room doing different things, but time spent bonding and sharing, learning and smiling. This is not to say I need to smother them with guilt-ridden attention. No, it means that each moment should be a memorable one for the heart and mind. They have to feel important.

5. Show them hope: Right now, they can see that life will improve, but they need to believe it. I need to let them see a loving relationship, one based on respect, truth, and real happiness. Although it will be less conventional, the kids must see how a man treats a woman properly so that they will know how to expect a man to someday treat them. In the end, I want to surround them with good people, let them know that family is who loves you, and remind them everyday how truly beautiful they are both inside and out.