A Duke Fan's Night Before Christmas

This is a parody of the "Night before Christmas" poem by Clement Clarke Moore. This is my Duke Fan's Night before Christmas. As an avid UNC fan and Duke hater who listens to a lot of trash talk on WFNZ out of Charlotte, I wanted to give a little to the Duke fans for Christmas. The rivalry between Duke and Carolina fans is almost as huge as the one on the court.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, cause they were drunk on Old Grouse.

The blue stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that Coach K soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of trust funds danced in their heads.

And mamma stoned on Xanax, and I with the maid in my lap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature Duke sleigh , and eight tinny reindeer.

With a ugly old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be Coach K, the prick

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now G-man! now, Jensen! now, T-Bone and Robin!

On, Garcia! On, Mac! on, on Marc and James from Maiden!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of drugs, and Coach K too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Coach K came with a bound.

He was dressed all in blue fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of basketballs he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a scrawny face and a little wrinkled belly,

That shook when he farted, and it was so smelly!

His wife was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw them, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And emptied all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard them exclaim, 'ere they drove out of sight,

With an F Bomb from Mickie

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Thanks for reading my Duke Fan's Night before Christmas parody. If you were offended then chill out this was meant in good fun. Happy Holidays everyone even you Dookies.