A Fake Interview with Keanu Reeves: One on One with the World's Worst Living Actors

KJD: May I just call you "Keanu" for short?

Keanu: Oh, that's fine. I just wanted to get that out of the way right off the bat. You don't have to call me "the worst actor alive today" or anything. Unless you want to?

KJD: Maybe later.

My initial impression of Keanu Reeves after meeting him in person is that he's a man who possesses ample self awareness. The star of numerous blockbuster movies, Reeves realizes he is an awful actor. In fact, he's very forthcoming about it.

KJD: So, Keanu, I've been wanting to ask you this question for years - how the heck?? How do you keep getting work?

Keanu: I honestly don't know. Somehow, I keep getting roles in movie after movie. It just doesn't make any sense. Why do directors and producers keep casting me? Why do people keep going to movie theaters to watch me? Don't they realize I stink?

KJD: Hey, man, I'm with you. You're preaching to the choir. How did you get into acting? How on earth did that come about?

Keanu: I got into it on a dare.

KJD: Naturally.

Keanu: I assumed I wouldn't last very long. I knew I stunk and figured others would quickly see it, too. After my first audition, I walked out thinking, "yeah, I'll never hear from those people again." Incredibly, not only did I hear from them again, they offered me a role. I couldn't believe it. I actually asked the director, "you do realize I stink, right?" The director just looked at me and laughed. "You're so funny, Keanu."

KJD: The director was clearly disturbed.

Keanu: Tell me about it.

KJD: Did you assume it was a fluke?

Keanu: Of course. I was certain every movie since would be my last. Half way during the filming of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989), I turned to Alex Winter, my co-star, and asked, "what are you going to do after we finish this movie? I was thinking about going to night school." Somehow, the movie turned out to be a huge hit.

KJD: Alex who?

Keanu: Winter. Ironically, after we finished shooting the sequel a few years later, Alex fell off the face of the earth and was never heard from again. I was sure I'd follow the same fate, but somehow I kept getting work.

After researching the Internet Movie Database, I discovered that Alex Winter does indeed exist.

KJD: In 1992, you were cast in the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. You got to work with a famous director, an Academy Award winning actor in Anthony Hopkins, and respected actors like Gary Oldman and Winona Ryder. Tell me, how the heck did that happen?

Keanu: Beats me. "Surely," I thought to myself, "people will see how awful I truly am in this movie." Somehow, no one noticed. I think all the vampires in the film distracted everyone.

KJD: The next year, Kenneth Branagh cast you in Much Ado About Nothing. Shakespeare. They cast you, Keanu Reeves, in a Shakespear movie. Were they insane?

Keanu: If you think that's bad, that same year I was cast as a Tibetan monk in a film called Little Buddha. Casting me to portray Muhammad Ali would have made about as much sense.

KJD: Then you hit the jackpot with 1994's blockbuster Speed. Tell us about that movie.

Keanu: To be honest, I thought I finally had the movie that would end the insanity with Speed. An insane plot, a first time director, an unknown co-star named Sandra Bullock, and Dennis Hopper, a borderline psychotic, as the villain. I couldn't believe it - the movie turned out to be box office gold. I was more popular than ever.

KJD: And yet you passed on the sequel, Speed 2.

Keanu: I'm still kicking myself for that one. To this day, people give me credit for being all smart and stuff by passing on Speed 2 since it turned out to be such a bomb, but the truth is I passed on it because I thought it was going to be a hit! Had I known it was going to be such a disaster, I would have jumped on board. Maybe if I had, I could have finally gotten out of acting. I could have then pursued my passion.

KJD: And what would that be?

Keanu: Teaching English as a second language.

It took a series of absolutely awful movies - Johnny Mnemonic, Chain Reaction, Feeling Minnesota, The Devil's Advocate - before people finally started to realize how truly awful Keanu Reeves was at everything he did. But then he was cast in The Matrix.

KJD: Tell us about The Matrix.

Keanu: The Matrix was the most ridiculous script I had ever read. Virtually every other actor between the ages of 20 and 45 had passed on it. The writers and directors were brothers and complete unknowns. Laurence Fishburne, who had almost reached the point where he was going to have to do sitcom cameos on The WB, was the co-star. Add to all that my truly awful acting ability and the movie was sure to be a huge failure. Two sequels and a gagillion dollars later and I'm still shaking my head wondering how it was so successful.

KJD: But to be fair, the two Matrix sequels were awful. They made me want to physically injure you.

Keanu: Thank you! See, you get it. Finally, someone sane.

KJD: No, I'm serious. Those two movies were incredibly, incredibly bad. I believe that anyone involved in their creation should be tarred and feathered. And I'm not just saying that because I like the expression, I seriously believe they should be tarred and feathered.

Keanu: We're of a like mind, you and I.

KJD: I'm glad. Well, we better wrap this up. Last question - what have you learned from your time as an actor?

Keanu: I've learned that no matter what I do, directors are going to keep casting me in movies and, no matter how bad those movies, people are going to keep going to theaters to watch them. A buddy cop movie where my partner is a chimp? Audiences will eat it up. A western where I star as a small town sheriff and Owen Wilson is a wise-cracking outlaw? They'll demand a sequel. A romantic drama where Sandra Bullock and I live in the same house two years apart, but we're able to communicate via a magic mailbox capable of time travel? Even that movie turned out to be a hit.

KJD: You're speaking of The Lake House. I actually went to go see that movie on a date. You owe me $18.

Keanu: My sincerest apologies. Here, let's make it an even $20.

KJD: Thanks. Any final words before we begin the tarring and feathering?

Keanu: Yes. Seriously, what is wrong with all you people? Can't you see I stink?

KJD: Well said. Now, close your eyes.

The above interview was fake and intended for entertainment purposes only. Except for the parts that were true, everything contained within the interview was completely fabricated.